Posted by poop'd-out on November 20, 2003, at 3:05:57
In reply to Re: Not doing too well :-( Longer than I meant! » poop'd-out, posted by katia on November 18, 2003, at 17:36:20
OH my God!! I just wrote you a long response and then my computer decided it had performed an illegal operation, and lost it all!! I will try again.
> Hi Beth!
> ** how long did it take you to get there? I had glimpses of that in my five weeks of sobriety (like I knew that I didn't have the option of "using"), but something just clicked and my mind opened again to the fact that I COULD DRINK and ease this pain.
>
I would say about 2-3 years, but it took about 9 months for the compulsion to leave me entirely. It was awful. Like you said, it just wasn't an option anymore. Using was just as bad so this way I had a slight chance that things might get better, and eventually they did!!
> **Boy, how familiar is that one? The sad thing is for me, I drank and hid away and didn't even realize that I was hiding from life. The excuse, in retrospect, was, "I just need some down time, I"m going thru' something, a lot of dark stuff is coming up in me (as tho'I was "healing and processing" something) when in reality, it was DEPRESSION!!! Duh! It didn't occur to me to get help or acknowledge, or rather didn't dawn on me that i was suffering from depression/bipolar. I just thought it was circumstantial and I"ll be better soon or that this was just the way life was. It's so good to be aware of that masking and hiding away. it shifts everything. I just wish my brother would wake up to it. At least someone in my family (me) has woken up.
I always knew that I had depression, I have had it since childhood. I actually was self-medicating to control my depression, and for a while it worked. I finally felt like a normal functioning human being, probably for the first time in my life. This was more the pain-killers than the alcohol, although there was plenty of that too. The sad thing is I wasn't using to get high, just to feel normal, it was my little secret, I told no one about the pills. The alcohol they saw!!Then the very thing that I thought had saved my life was slowly killing me. I knew it too. I just thought that if I kept trying and trying that eventually I would recover that feeling that had saved me initially. I am very stubborn, and kept trying to get it back for at least ten years. During this time I suffered from extreme rage, anxiety, paranoia, withdrawals every time I couldn't find more pills. Not fun.
>
> > I did try one briefly, they had a patch out, I think it was desyrel?
>
It is not desyrel, can't remember what that is. The drug is called deprenyl(selegiline) it is used to treat alzheimers patients. There is alot of information on PB if you type in a search.
> **Did it work?I took it quite some time ago. I guess not since I no longer take it. I would definitely do a search and see how others have done on it, we all have very different chemistries.
>What meds are you on now?
Tegretol, Neurontin, Zoloft has been my mainstay cocktail for a few years now. I guess that I have been fearful to change it. It keeps me from completely losing it but am still down quite a bit.
Have just started Lamictal 75mg for about a month now, I am still waiting for the miracle...?>How old are you?
36, but still very much a child.
>What is your dx?
My doc and I have landed on BPII for the time being with my ups more the irritability, rage thing, and mostly depressed. Bummer I want the good mania =)
Mostly because I react so horribly to AD's when taken alone.>How did you stop using substances????
Short answer: I had to.
I wasn't living anymore, all I thought about was where my next pill was coming from, and that was my life. That is what I lived for, if you can call that living.
I think it is good that you are aware of what you are doing, that is a step in the right direction.
But, in the end, only you can decide what's right for you.I have shared some of my experiences, and like they say, take what you need and leave the rest.
You take care Sweetie!
Beth
P.S. I will be happy to discuss this topic any time with you, any questions you have and will look for you on the other board so we don't get in trouble, Kay?
poster:poop'd-out
thread:238206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031116/msgs/281557.html