Posted by madwand on September 16, 2003, at 14:57:35
In reply to I need the truth about Dexedrine. (long post), posted by zarathustra on September 16, 2003, at 2:43:38
Boy, do I hear you! In a lot of ways you sound like my twin (although I am a bit older than you).
I was a bit "luckier" in that I somehow managed to adapt to the educational system and do well as "high functioning 'out there' type". I recall at one point in 5th or 6th grade deciding to "be good at" those boring arithmetic tests (for no other apparent reason than that it amused me to do) and that helped to open doors as I moved into Jr. High ("math" was much more interesting than "arithmetic", but they used the latter to decide if you would be good at the former!).
I agree with the comment that you might have done well on home-schooling. John Bradshaw talked a lot about "incidental learning" and how powerful that is compared to what we are force-fed.
As an aside (and am not trying to toot my own horn here either -- it is what happened), in our Jr. High we had an "indepedent study" program where we could get out of a lot of our regular classes and use the time to work on special papers/projects. I "abused" this by using the opportunity to read a bunch of the stuff that I found interesting, like philosophy and mythology rather than working on the papers. Interestingly enough, I was able to test out of a whole year of college based mainly on that stuff I learned. Yet for years I didn't "get it" and beat myself up for "abusing" the privilege I was given (in fact, it was Bradshaw's comment about "incidental learning" that made the pieces finally fall into place).
Perhaps I was less lucky than you in that, due to being good at the stuff the system valued, no one figured out that there was a problem. I always seem to have some weird combo of ADD and low-grade depression (back before either concept was widely known or dicussed) and have only recently entered the "meds" universe (after 11 years of recovery, utiliziing some psycho-spiritual tools which were helpful, but not quite enough).
But I am not really addressing your questions, am I? It really was not my attention to hijack your thread to talk about me <g>. I just can't get over some of the similarities and wanted to share them.
I am presently on Lexapro (was 10mg, just up to 15mg) and seem to be doing well so dexedrine is not in my immediate future. If you are interested in exploring the notion of whether what you feel/experience on a med is 'the real you' then I would heartily recommend "Listening to Prozac" if you have not already read it. If anything, that issue is the central theme of the book.
If it is of any help, I can offer you my personal take on it (having tussled with that issue for years before going on meds). I do not believe that the meds "make" you a particular way. I do believe that they shift a few gears around, making "motion" on some kind of multi-dimensional scale easier. They are not like fuel, so to speak, but are more like lubrication.
I see that you have put your foot into the 12-step door but are held back due to being an agnostic. If you have not read it, I will suggest you read the 4th Chapter of the AA Big Book, which addresses a lot of concerns that agnostics have (I "sort of" used to be one -- still am in some ways). You really have an advantage over the atheists, or even over "hard core believes" in that true agnosticism precludes many preconceptions. I truly believe that you would benefit from working with a Higher Power, whether you believe in a Supreme Being or not. You don't have to give it form (although it may take form later) -- the action of working with it is what is important (as one old 12-stepper put it: "What you are searching for you are searching with".
And I have to disagree with you about the dismal nature of the universe. While I don't consider myself a polyanna, I do believe that to a great extent we *do* create our own universe (the HP route can help here). Ironically, it was that spiritual belief that kept me away from the med route for a long time -- I thought I ought to be able to banish depression/ADD/whatever with a wave of my metaphysical wand. However what I finally realized that was that, like the old man in the flood (who kept praying to be saved, all the while ignoring the boats and helicopters that came to get him), I failed to consider the possbility that having meds placed "in my path" was perhaps an answer to those prayers.
In other words, the short answer is: don't worry about whether what the meds show is "valid". It is. However, the choice of what do now that the wheels are greased is yours (looking into a Higher Power, or at least some more-positive philosophers will help).
My apologies for rambling on for so long, but hopefully something here will help.
poster:madwand
thread:260543
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030912/msgs/260688.html