Posted by shadows721 on September 4, 2003, at 19:33:14
In reply to Re: Sorry I posted » shadows721, posted by cubbybear on September 4, 2003, at 0:32:24
I do appreciate interest cubby. I will try to explain my ailment (complex PTSD). Sorry this is so long.
I was sadistically abused in every means of the word by a very violent and psychotic relative. I had all the signs and symptoms of trauma as a child, but they went unnoticed by the family. This was due to I was such an obedient quiet child. I blocked out this person and his helpers of crime totally. (My MD as a child did not report the physical signs of abuse. I tried as an adult to get a copy of my chart after reading it and the next week my chart was unexplainably destroyed. The doctor died a 2 yrs later.)
My big problems began right after marriage - 3 months. This is typical. However, my symptoms were far from typical. I was having an internal sensation of extreme shaking and my vision changed. MD's were perplexed with my symptoms. I went for several years without the correct dx. I went thru the gambit of medications to try and treat these odd symptoms. Some of the initial meds included Buspar, tranxene, antivert, and a beta-blocker. The odd violent sensations and visual disturbances continued. The depression and anxiety were out of control. I did not even recognize my spouse at times. I was checked out by the best MD's in my area. They put me through every test known. Nothing showed up and the depression sank deeper.
One neurologist noted I had tremors and quickly put me on Klonopin. Klonopin worked like a bullet as far as calming the anxiety. It calmed it so much that I did not deal with the beast that lurked in the closet of my mind. After years of being on the drug, I built a tolerance and the beast of the past started playing Hell with my life again. The doctor immediately put me on Zoloft. I had a violent reaction of vomiting to it and that's when his partner took me off of it just to see what would happen. Oh, my God - the withdrawal was the worst thing that happened to me. When the doc saw what happened he called different drugs in to help- nortriptyline & elavil. I took myself (with research) in tapering off the Klonopin. (I do not recommend doing this alone. I did it, because my physican was not knowledgeable with PTSD and Klonopin withdrawal.)
The beast did not come out of the closet fully until I had a relaxation session with a therapist. My life as trying to become a nurse exploded and I decided to hospitalize myself. My therapist said she had not dealt with this level of abuse.
I got myself through a BSN nursing school with withdrawals and flashbacks and numberous other medication failures (like Serzone, paxil & Prozac, to name a few). No one knew what I was dealing with internally. Complex PTSD affected every aspect of my life - spirituality, sexually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. No one sees what I deal with, because I supposedly look great on the outside. The only thing they see is odd tremors.
My life is still in limbo. Ten years later, I still have body memories, auditory and visual memories almost all the time. They are very fragmented so it makes it really difficult to put together. I am currently trying Buspar (again) & neurontin. Buspar is hard to adjust to, but the family says they see a difference in me. I am in therapy and group therapy. I journal daily, do artwork, and exercise. (By the way, exercise and vitamins did not help the anxiety go away either.) I've read almost every book available on the subject, but my odd symptoms are not in them and they rage on...
Again, I have a MD unfamiliar with dissociation disorder and PTSD. I told him that I hear voices inside. He said that's a psychiatric red flag. I said that I know that I am not schizophrenic. He agreed and said how well I look. I did not go in to detail of the things I hear after that. This MD gives you 15mins to talk. It's just to see how the meds work.
I have tried acupuncture too. It works temporarily with the anxiety/depression, but it's very expensive. It is also very triggering to me, because part of my trauma was being bit repeatedly by snakes owned by the perp.
I am about to throw in the towel on nursing, because my problems are hindering me. I am more like a patient than a nurse. Do not feel that I can help others when I am in so much pain. Also, I am about to try EEG biofeedback as another method of treatment.
I am just an ordinary person that has experienced extremely unordinary abuse. I seek peace within and have been in contact with someone that helps people with spirtuality. All I have done is educated myself extensively and tried every method available to help me deal with the war no one talks about out loud. Complex PTSD is like being in war, but you do not remember who you were at war with or where it took place. The soldier within marches on inside without being noticed in the outside world.
Peace to all.
Shadows
poster:shadows721
thread:253823
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030902/msgs/257065.html