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Re: Hey Mercedes...I'd like to know more....Willie

Posted by willie on July 21, 2003, at 7:45:18

In reply to Re: Hey Mercedes...I'd like to know more....Willie » willie, posted by mercedes on July 21, 2003, at 0:19:35

Hi Mercedes...you're probably still sleeping as I write this. I'm in Ontario, Canada so I'm 3 hours ahead of you. I can't thank you enough for sharing your experience with me (us). It's nice to speak with people who can understand what you're experiencing.

First thing first...I've had a bruise on the back of my leg the size of an orange and it was an ugly looking thing. It looked like I had been hit in the leg with a baseball. The month prior to that I had one on my buttock. They looked sore but I could poke at them with not feeling any pain so I knew that I hadn't injured myself. I've had other ones but smaller in size.

As for my anxiety attacks...I always knew when they were coming on because I felt like I had 10 cups of coffee. My body felt like it had an electric current running through it. I became figity and couldn't relax no matter what I did. When they got real bad, I'd have to curl up in the fetal position and rock myself while I cried. I always had feelings of dread, death etc.

Back in 1991 I saw a women get crushed to death. A garbage truck accidently backed up over her. I saw the whole thing happen and it's weird but it was like my brain wouldn't accept what I was seeing. I thought "What is a mannequin doing on the street?" And then the horror of it all set in. I don't think I'll ever forget the sound of the driver screaming. I ran up to the women to cover her with my coat but when I saw her I froze. I'm not going to give you gorry details but I couldn't cover her and that I can't forgive myself for not doing. I always had this fear of dying alone and here I was able to give this woman a little dignity by covering her and I couldn't do it. It was obvious she was dead.

Well, the effects of that on me was that I couldn't eat (couldn't even look at meat). I lived on Slim fast bars and milk. I ate only because I was light-headed. I drank almost every day. I couldn't stop replaying that whole scene in my mind.

I was a newly wed at the time and the PTSD was playing havic with my marriage. My husband was frustrated because he didn't know how to help me and like you..I couldn't feel anything. Did you ever see the movie "Fearless" with Jeff Daniels? It's about a guy who survives a plane crash and how he didnt' feel anything. He wasn't afraid of anything. I was like that. I would walk in front of cars crossing the street because I just didn't care. I also found out during therapy that I had "survivor's guilt". Well, in an effort to save my marriage I burried my problems. Tried to go about with normal life. I couldn't drive...didn't want the responsibility of hurting anyone. Everytime I saw a little animal dead on the side of the road, I'd lose it. I'd flash back to the accident and cry.

About 4 months later my husband and I were involved in an accident on the way up to my grandmother's funeral. A tanker truck hit us and destroyed our car. We were unhurt, which is hard to believe if you saw the pictures. Well..needless to say my PTSD had new fuel for the fire. I was a mess for a very long time. My marriage took a turn for the worse because of my depression. For a year I thought of that women every day. Every anniversary of her death was a write off for me. I took pain killers whenever my husband and I fought so I couldn't feel the emotional pain. Sometimes my body/mind would litterly shut down...I couldn't feel anymore. That is when he suggested it was time to get some help.
After a year of counselling a lot of issues came out. Both my parents are alcoholics and they divorced when I was 8 years old. It seems that I had been bottling up a lot since my childhood and those 2 accidents put me over the edge. The counselling help me understand my fears but did not allevate them. I had OCD, depression and axiety.

The fear of driving anywhere would put me into an attack or I'd find any excuse not to drive. Like you, I wanted my safe place...home. Friends would invite me out after work and I'd find an excuse not to go. Even when I was out with my husband somewhere (at a friends house) I was uncomfortable and axious to get home. I was always afraid of something happening to my pet rats. Yes, I have pet rats - 3 boys. They are wonderful pets. I'd always feel guilty about leaving them when we went away on vacation even though I had someone taking care of them. This I learnt was "the fear of abandonment" another prize I obtained from my childhood experiences.

Effexor gave me life. For the first time this year I went away on vacation and did not feel the guilt or anxiety. I can drive without attacks although I don't go on the highways (yet). This year was the first where I didn't remember the anniversary of that women's death until today. Like you said, It's painfull to remember.

I did have anxiety a few days ago but only to the point where I felt the electric current in my body and I was only on the verge of tears.

My husband and I are off to Las Vegas this weekend. I'm so looking forward to it. That's another feeling that I haven't experienced in a while. It's so good to feel again. I never knew how enjoyable life could be before effexor.

Thanks again for sharing with me Mercedes
Willie


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