Posted by mattdds on May 9, 2003, at 0:53:50
In reply to OCD COMPULSION AND ANAFRANIL: DOES IT HELP YOU?, posted by mills on May 6, 2003, at 11:25:33
Hi Mills,
I have had that same intense introspection my whole life. It hit it's worst about 8 years ago, when I was 19-20. But I've always had this tendency. I am quite sure it is how I'm "wired". I have often wondered if I have something that could be considered a sort of atypical OCD.
The obsessions will shift to different areas of my life. When I was 19 I could literally think of nothing but religion (mainly doubts about what I had been taught all my life, as I came from a religious background). I didn't have any rituals or classic OCD signs, but I was certainly overly preoccupied with the subject. The thoughts however, seemed "ego-dystonic", because I had a very difficult time stopping the incessant rumination. I have since worked through all this (and wound up agnostic if not overtly atheist in the process), but there was a time where I was so introspective, I literally found it hard to talk or even relate to people, because I felt nobody would understand. I wanted to engage in real life, but I could not direct my attention voluntarily to outside events, I kept getting sucked back inside myself.
I also had what is called body dysmorphic disorder at one time. At 20, my hairline receded a little bit (thank goodness, it did not get too far, even 8 years later). I would catch myself looking at other people's hairlines, comparing mine to theirs, worrying about the implications or being bald, checking how many hairs were on the comb and pillow, looking at my forehead in the rearview mirror of my car until I had a headache....all to the point that my brain literally HURT!
Now that I am older, I am aware that something is different about the way I'm wired and have been able discern that I have some sort of mental illness (duh, took me long enough!). I wonder if I have become obsessed with that, too. All this studying and thinking I do about mental illness, I wonder if this is just part of the same old beast that has plagued me for my whole life! And YES, I catch myself "checking" how I feel all the time!
I believe it was the same obsessive tendency that drove me to learn about my obsessive (or whatever you want to call it) tendency. How's that for a paradox? A disease reaching out to heal itself! I have probably read every book about cognitive therapy available at my university library! If you are not aware, many studies have shown that CBT is equally effective as antidepressants for OCD, with better long-term outcomes.
CBT has helped me *feel* tremendously better, even if I have not altered my core "nutty" thinking pattern. I did not have much luck with any of the classes of antidepressants (every SSRI at high doses, TCA's), although I have not tried an MAOI. SSRI's were, however, extremely effective at killing my orgasmic function, which made me obsess about not having one. Klonopin helps quite a bit, however. I take anywhere from 0.5 to 1.0 per day, depending on symptoms.
So, your condition sounds a lot like mine. I'm sure we're not alone. Sometimes it takes time to articulate what is going on in your mind. My guess, is that many people, if they were to read our posts would say, "Wow, that sounds just like me!"
Best,
Matt
poster:mattdds
thread:224665
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030505/msgs/225305.html