Posted by LyndaK on February 20, 2003, at 22:52:35
In reply to Re: For LyndaK--depression emergency, posted by cubbybear on February 20, 2003, at 11:04:53
> > > And I must confide to you that since EVERYTHING going through my mind is a negative these days, my deepest worst fear of all is that the Parnate will not work this time--although it never failed me in the past.>
> > I had a feeling that might be a fear you were having.
> How were you able to know or sense that?
I don't know. Maybe just taking your stated fears one step further (i.e. "what if I can't get the Parnate" to "What if I get the Parnate and it doesn't work?")
> * * * * * * * * * * ** ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Over the past couple of hours, I got some phone calls from my mother, who lives in Phoenix. We're close, send E-mails almost daily, and have been speaking on the phone on the average once a week since my crisis started. My parents are divorced. My father is also re-married but lives in Florida. My relationship with him has been practically non-existent for my entire life. He has admitted many times to being not a good father and yet has never seemed capable of changing to make up for all the lost love and time.
I felt the pain-of-parenthood with that statement. That must have been a very PAINFUL admission on his part. I think back when I was so severely depressed and I still had two little ones depending on me to nurture them. I cared for their physical needs but nurturing is an EMOTIONAL event. I couldn't give to them what I didn't have. I couldn't mirror their own emotions back to them when I was so self-absorbed in my own pain. And it's a hard burden to know that whatever pain/isolation/confusion they felt during that time is there -- I can't go back and fix it.
I'm not sure that I'm trying to tell you anything here, it just brought forth some intense feelings and memories for me.
I saw my mother briefly last year (once a year since I moved to Thailand), but I haven't seen my father for nearly 10 years. He learned from my mother and from my reply to his E-mail that I haven't been well. Since he's still on good terms with my mother, he left a message on her phone machine that he was willing to come out to Phoenix to see me during this crisis in my life. it was the first true act of love he has shown in God knows how long.
He obviously really cares about you and is trying to be "present" for you now in this time of need.
My mother is serving as an intermediary here, trying to find out what I really want , what I would be most comfortable with, if I'd want to see him, etc.
> Lynda, I couldn't find the words to express how intense and mind-boggling this all is--I know we're touching on stuff that goes far beyond psychobabble--it's family stuff--but I just wanted to let you know the latest. I don't know if my mind can deal with the latest development, coming on top of my deep, deep depression.
> I could not say "no" to my father coming to visit--I'd be doing the same thing to him (rejection) that he has been doing to me his whole life. Second, I don't know when I'd have the opportunity to see him next.
> Third, if "something" happened to him" after I had refused his offer to visit, I'd have it on my conscience the rest of my life. I also think about the Budddhist laws about honoring one's parents and bad karma---bad actions (i.e. me rejecting his offer to see me) leading to bad results or bad consequences. So I told her to tell him it would be OK for him to come for a couple of days or so, but not at the beginning of my visit, when my Mom and I and my step-father will need plenty of time to chat privately
Those parameters make good sense to me.
> I've told you only a fraction of all that's been going on. My mother phoned from Phoenix to Thailand three separate times to run ideas past me--to get my input. She's frantically trying to be as helpful as she can--to do everything possible to help me out, and I couldn't ask for a better mother than that.
> But unfortunately, you know, when one is depressed, even the smallest decisions seem like major dilemmas, so can you imagine how I felt trying to digest all her suggestions, questions, and new ideas for how to engineer my time out there? You'll have to stay tuned to hear how this plays out.
You've got my attention.
Also, it's a good a time as any for me to tell you that ironically, once I get to Phoenix, I will have very limited opportunities to use the Internet and Psychobabble, since my mother's E-mail equipment is a crude machine and she can't go on-line. Anyway------
Thanks for letting me know. I won't worry about your "absence".
> Did you ever hear of anyone who had so much on their plate at one time as me?
Well, actually, yes, but that doesn't minimize your situation at all. Here's another piece of personal trivia about me: I work as an Occupational Therapist for the county Public Health Dept. working with kids with physical disabilities -- mostly neurologic in nature. The families of those kids have a LOT on their plates.
It sounds like you have a very supportive family, Steve. That's a really good thing.
Keep me posted.