Posted by bozeman on January 28, 2003, at 23:38:56
In reply to Re: I'm Sorry » androog, posted by blah on January 28, 2003, at 20:21:32
Wow . . . Reading your last three or so posts, I am absolutely floored by the similarity between your "stream of consciousness" and that of a dear friend of mine. He too is incredibly intelligent but painfully stymied. Like you, he feels like Stranger in a Strange Land (if you've never read it, the title says enough for you to get the picture.) His entire life he felt like the world was on one sheet of music and he was on another (he's right), that everyone talked about him (actually, they do), and that no one understood him (for a long time, that was true.) Dating women was a disaster. They all expected to one day find out he was an escaped ax murderer, he thinks, and that's probably not far from the truth. That is, until he found the one woman who looked past his "weirdness" and found the shining soul underneath. Yes, he's still different, still doesn't connect with the rest of the world most of the time, but he connects with her when he's able to "come out", and she patiently does her own thing the rest of the time. Most people look at them and wonder what she sees in him, but if you ever really watch the two of them together you know what it is. He treasures and appreciates her for really seeing who he is, and she treasures and appreciates him for letting her be who she is (most men find her intimidating, and I see why they would -- she's tenderhearted but tough as nails.) Often he is on medication, with mixed results at best, often apparently with only side effects and no positive benefit. No matter what side effects or disturbed moods he gets, she just gives him space and supports him from a distance until he lands again. They are actually better together than either is apart, because each gives the other something no on else ever has.
How do I know so much about them? Because she's my sister. And in my opinion, he's better for her than the attorneys and other high-powered types she's dated in the past. I love him for what he does for her -- lets her just be herself, and lets himself need her just the way she is. He doesn't use her, he just needs her strength and calm. And she thrives on that.
My point is the same as androogs: don't give up! There is no way for any of us to tell what tomorrow will bring, even when we are *completely* sure that we know everything there is to know about all the possibilities. There really are good and caring doctors out there, who can help, though I agree you sometimes have to go through three dozen (or more) "know-it-all" ones before you find one who understands that you live in your body, no one else does (we hope :-) and you know what's going on in there better than anyone else could. There are new drugs and new treatments being developed that really do help many people. Unfortunately, you haven't found what works well for you, and a doctor who will support and work with you in finding what works for you, yet. And you may not for a long while. But don't give up, others are here to support you, who know you're suffering terribly. We can't stop the pain or the injustice of it, but we do care.
I'm not trying to give you the glib "everything's going to be alright" speech, because we both know it may not be. But you're smart, articulate (at least in your writing), you're strong, you obviously know a lot about your condition and your own life, and you gotta keep trying.
Sometimes when I felt the absolute, crappiest, scumsucking worst, the only thing I could hold out to myself was, "I'm not gonna give *anyone* the satisfaction of seeing me quit. Not my enemies who think I'm a loser, not the doctors who think I'm a hypochondriac (haven't we all heard that one!), not the damn devil, either. I will go on fighting until the day I die -- of old age -- or get hit by a truck, whichever comes first." You quit, they win!! Don't let them win by forfeit. Sometimes anger was all I could muster, and sometimes I couldn't even manage that. But I couldn't just let them be right about me. I knew my condition was real, not "mental", and if I could just find someone who knew enough to help, I could make it.
I wasted about fifteen years of my life I could have felt like a person instead of a blob of nothing, before I agreed to try medication. You've tried the medication, but not felt the relief. You're understandably frustrated and at your wits end. But please, don't give up. There is hope, however small it seems. You can come here to vent and talk whenever you need to.
I pray that you find some relief and some peace soon, and that your new pdoc will be able to help you get what you need. But even if you have to go through another dozen docs, don't stop trying. I and others here need to hear what you have to say (thoughtful and pointed comments, even if they do come at light speed. We'll keep up. Just you keep talking.)
Sincerely wishing you a better day than you've had --