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Re: getting laid --- Sorry! lonesomeloser

Posted by bozeman on January 16, 2003, at 23:33:06

In reply to Re: getting laid isn't all there is, posted by lonesomeloser on January 14, 2003, at 22:33:38

You're right . . . reading it now, without taking into account what I was thinking at the time, it makes no sense whatsoever. Plus, I didn't mean for it to sound nearly as snippy or cryptic as it must have seemed. Sorry. You didn't upset me, and I hope I didn't upset you. You just got the muddy result of my frustration.

What I was *thinking* was, Gosh, I wish it was that simple, that sex wasn't that big of a deal. I have been celibate for ten years (that's right) not from lack of desire but to maintain a shred of sanity. Don't know if it's this way for anyone else, but for years for me, it was the only thing I *could* feel, everything else was monotone or nonexistent, so I have been supremely guilty in the past of using sex as a substitute for every other human interaction/emotion. (I suspect I'm probably not the only one who's ever done this.) This obviously comes at a high price and drags a lot of baggage, besides the obvious of being extremely dangerous -- with the risk of HIV et al, pregnancy, emotional and physical violence. And I suffered my share of the violence, both kinds. My seemingly sweet, faithful attentive ex-husband got me pregnant, then gave me a VD after we'd been married over a year, and got violent when I confronted him. As a result I lost the baby, left his sorry a$$ and went through a string of loser boyfriends that would make your head spin. I realized I was in trouble, addicted to feeling something, anything, and sex was all there was -- and tried to settle down, got engaged to a seemingly very nice, charming, attentive man, who after a year or so began to become more and more withdrawn, started accusing me of cheating on him (which regardless of how it might sound, I would never do), started following me around, even to work; said I was too demanding sexually (five or six times a week was too much for him), convinced me I was unattractive and sexually unappealing (while still accusing me of cheating on him, mind you), and the day he started throwing things and threatening me I walked out on him, too.

This was the final straw; my life was being endangered by this pseudo-addiction (pseudo only because the sex wasn't the ultimate goal, feeling an emotion was.) I spent several days rocking back and forth on the bed, had what you might call a "mini-breakdown" and when pseudo-sanity returned, realized that the only solution was to quit, cold-turkey. That was over ten years ago. I had to dig into my psyche and face the things that were driving me to such destructive behavior, and I'm a stubborn jerk sometimes, so it took a really long time. In and out of therapy for years -- it's only been in the last year that I've faced facts and admitted I had a problem I couldn't solve on my own, and in the last few months that I gave in to the doctors and agreed to try an AD (Lexapro) and good Lord, what a difference!!!! I can finally feel things again!!!! This makes purging all that poisonous crap out of my psyche possible.

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a sane, gentle man for over a year, who knows about my past and insisted that we not become physically involved until I can do it without harming myself. (We both agree I'm not quite there yet. :) However!!!! My basic constitution has not changed, I still think about sex all the time (admittedly not as frequently or as urgently as before), but at least I can laugh at myself about it now. Ironically, one of the side effects everyone complains about with AD's is the loss/diminishment of sex drive. For me, diminished sex drive was a blessing from God!!! Three and a half wonderful months of not thinking about it every waking moment, lots of discipline and prayer, and I'm getting past it. (Or maybe I'm kidding myself and if I went off the Lexapro I'd be right back where I started.) The last few weeks, the drive is back, strongly, but not so urgently as before, so now I can learn how to process and deal with it without going off the deep end.

I know I am the exception rather than the rule, but every woman I know who I'm close enough friends with to discuss it, says she would like to have sex more often -- if it wasn't such a hassle. Worrying about birth control, getting enough sleep, making schedules match, or how attractive she thinks she is or isn't, etc. just kills all their spontaniety. The biggest complaint I hear from them is that, for the men in their lives, sex is in the "utility" category, like taking a shower or cleaning the refrigerator -- something they like to do quickly and efficiently and move on to the next thing -- while for the women, it's like playing music or painting a landscape, something you express yourself by pouring your emotions and soul into. Of course, I can't argue with them either way, or they'd know the state I'm in (no one knows but my boyfriend, I haven't even been able to confess this to my doctor, he knows the pieces but not the story unless he's figured it out on his own.) What I *want* to say to them is, "Hey, why not take a little, give a little. Let your guy have his quick 'efficient' sex sometimes, monotony's boring anyway, and sometimes you go for a more leisurely luxurious encounter. No one has the time or energy to spend an hour or more every single time." But everybody sees it from their own perspective instead of the other guy's. I always thought creativity was the solution to keeping both partners satisfied with their sexual arrangement. But what do I know? I'm a pseudo-sex addict. :-)

So now you know more of what's in my head than anyone besides my boyfriend. And unless you knew what I was thinking (yikes!), that post made no sense! (and maybe not even then -- my apologies.)

> > > I guess it isnt such a big deal with most women however.
> > >
> >
> > Sorry that your own experiences with women have (apparently) led you to believe that it isn't. Believe me, you couldn't be more wrong. =-} 'Nuff said.
> I am not sure I understand what you are saying here, but I did not mean to be offensive, nor was I speaking about all women.
> However there are two undeniable facts about women, mentally ill or not:
> 1. Any women can find and have sex much easier then any man. Thats just a fact of life.
> 2. Most women have a much harder time climaxing then most men.
> Also, a recent poll of "normal" women indicated that a full 30 percent really did not care much about having sex on a regular basis( this poll did not factor in the intimacy involved, just the sex act itself, however).
> Many married men seem to complain about a lack of sex in their relationships, indicating that the above poll has at least some validity to it.




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