Posted by BarbaraCat on September 11, 2002, at 18:43:59
In reply to Re: serenity and peacefulness » BarbaraCat, posted by Iago Camboa on September 5, 2002, at 13:29:59
Hello Dear Iago,
Forgive me for not getting back to you sooner in response to your wanting to know how I'm doing and my medication regime. So here's a long post, with some details into the Life of Barbara (hopefully it will not be too boring, but I truly feel as if I'm having a long talk with a good friend). I've been decreasing my Remeron fairly slowly and and now down to 22.5mg (1/2 of a 45mg pill). As is typical of a reduction in an AD, life can seem extra difficult. Why am I reducing it? Remeron has been a nice, gentle AD, and without many of the annoying side effects (lack of sex, mainly) of SSRIs. However, it caused me to gain almost 30 pounds and doesn't do much for anxiety. It hasn't really been very effective as an antidepressant, except for a few weeks at the start of treatment.As you may remember, I tried the 'let's see' test of upping my dose to 80mg earlier this year. It definitely had an energizing effect, but the anxiety was still there, and anxiety is what will bring on a lurking depression better than anything. The situations in my life are stressful enough and if I'm going to be gaining weight and impacting my liver, then by God, give me a drug that works!
As you are probably aware, the events of 9/11 have had a disastrous effect on American business. Whoever it was that set those events in motion knew that hitting at the heart of our financial well-being, illusory of not, is what will cripple a nation, and it has been. Jobs are scarce. I've been out of work because of my fibromyalgia condition and waiting for my disability to be approved. My husband lost his job due to layoffs and we have great financial worries from being without work for over a year. My naturopathic treatments attempting to address my fibromyalgia condition are not covered under our plain old health insurance and they're very expensive. There is no money coming in and our savings are quickly vanishing. The situation also causes distress between me and my husband because he is what the Jungians would describe as a perfect example of 'puer aeternal' - the eternal boy. His reaction to our financial stress is to pretend that everything will be OK, to think positive, and to play music, dreaming about finally becoming a rock star (but doesn't submit his songs to an agent either), etc. In the meantime, I get to finagle the bills and plead with the utility companies to keep the electricity and water from being turned off. We've talked about it, over and over, but in the end it works out to I don't trust him to take care of these things and so I end up doing it. He wants to, he's just unable to deal with it - someone has always come to his rescue and someone once again has. My friend and therapists have always said 'well, why don't you just stop doing it and he'll have to.' It doesn't work out that way and I end up cleaning up months of untended paperwork. He's find when there's enough money - pay the bills, no problem!. It's just when there's no money that he can't seem to figure it out and therefore depends upon wishful thinking. Other than this one rather huge blip, he's a responsible and dear human being who has been with me though some intense psychic storms. I can count on him to be there for me emotionally and that is a big one, and for which I am very grateful. But, you can imagine how the inequaltity of provider status puts a strain on our relationship, especially since my illness is particularly prone to the damaging effects of stress and worry - I'm supposed to be 'healing' and not running around trying to provide for me, him, and our eight furry family memers. This feeling of dire unsafety and danger brings up all too vividly my abusive history at the hands of my very disturbed father, and while it may be an excellant chance at confronting the demon once and for all, I don't have much faith in my psychic strength left when one worrisome month drains into the next, into the next.
I have an appt with my pdoc next week and am going to impress upon him my need for a strong and effective anti-stress med. I don't know if that would mean another SSRI or a good strong benzo. Xanax sounds attractive, but I don't believe it's out in an extended release form yet and I don't want to be gobbling handfuls every few hours. The thing that seems to work the best for me is opiods. I take my oxycontin with a few lorezapam and feel about 'normal' in that I'm not breaking into sobs every time I get hit in the gut with another disastrous projection into the future.
You know, I was brought up Catholic and no longer consider myself a practicing member of the Church - especially after the recent scandals (I too have my abuse stories, only by nuns, not priests). I've since adopted more of a Buddhist philosophy towards life, and it makes more sense to me intellectually and psychologically. But when things get as down as they sometimes do, I pray to the saints and I feel that they hear me. I also talk to Jesus, who is my greatest Teacher and friend. Now is a hard time for me, Iago. I don't feel my pdoc, who sees me every 8 weeks or so, has a clue as to what I need. What I need, really need, is a softening of the heart, an understanding and utter belief that there is grace, and that we're not adrift in a senseless sea of too many people, too much toxicity, too much pain. Ah, if drugs could only address this age-old dilemma, but of course, they do not. In the meantime, I dance when I can, play the piano, have an occassional snoot full of good Armagnac and keep a song somewhere in my heart. Love and peace to you, my wonderful friend, and I hope you can regale me with wonderful stories from your huge extended family life. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:111261
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020906/msgs/119571.html