Posted by BarbaraCat on May 17, 2002, at 0:36:40
In reply to Re: Need OCD info and experiences, posted by MomO3 on May 16, 2002, at 22:01:13
I have a real perfectionist thing that shows up in weird ways. I'll walk out of a restaraunt if the lighting isn't just so. Either that or I'll fret about it and not notice the splendid Vietnamese pho I'm eating. Or for a small dinner party I'll clean the house til I drop for days before and until the guests are ringing the doorbell, after staying up all night cooking some Julia Child masterpiece that I've spent way too much money on.
The other way it presents, and why I asked you all about it today is this: We moved to a small rural community to get away from the city. I HATE noise and traffic and I HATE feeling confined and claustrophobic. Anything short of a virtual padded room feels like constant nails on a blackboard and is torture.
There's land around us that's zoned and ready to go for sticking in double-wides. There's been no movement to build for years, and with the economy such as it is there's no immediate danger of the bulldozers coming in tomorrow. But every day I clench up when I think about the possibility. I look at the trees and the fields and all I can see is desolation waiting to happen.
Today a contractor was there moving dirt for another site - nothing directly related to the land in question, but it burned new fear and panic into my psyche. I watched myself becoming wound up and frantic and could not stop. No amount of Klonopin even dents that kind of frenzy.
The long and short of it is that it triggered this totally consumed behavior where I was calling every county council office in a 100 mile radius trying to find out information on permits, how I can stop it from happening, trying to get some CONTROL over the outcome. I did this all morning. I had to force myself to stop to go to the bathroom and then I was right back at it until my husband came home and saw what I was doing and talked me down.
I'm TERRIFIED that our little plot of country paradise is going to be destroyed and hemmed in by real estate. I'm HEARTSICK that the quiet will be shattered by bulldozers and jack hammers. This is a real and valid fear, but to take it to this level! To devote the effort and brilliant dedicated painstaking research into this all consuming project is what concerns me. I can't make peace with this thing and perhaps I never will. Moving seems like the only answer to this particular dilemma, but it's not an isolated case. I can't sleep when I get like this. It's like a switch gets turned on and I start noticing every noise and begin to twitch and fret and cannot for the life of me chill out. I've been saying the Serenity Prayer like a mantra and feel better now, but holy crap, this cortisol surge takes the starch out of me. So how does a super- sensitive overcaring tightly-wrapped soul deal with Life Sucks 101? - Barbara