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Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al.

Posted by shelliR on August 24, 2001, at 22:17:45

In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. shelliR, posted by Lorraine on August 24, 2001, at 13:17:31

Hi Lorraine, Elizabeth, friendly lurkers if any

> I am sorry that I didn't respond to this. I think I did but messed up when I posted. I've been wondering how you are and why you haven't posted recently. (ok 2 days< g >)

Chapter I:What I'm doing and why I didn't write
Well, right now I am really really tired. Overstimulated, then so tired in the afternoon, unable to take a nap, so I'm in that zombie place, if you know where I mean. Especially because it's 9:30(dst--Elizabeth :-) here, so what do you do when you feel this dragged out? If ESPN was a bit more in tune with my preferences, it would be showing the second semi-final (Jennifer Capriati against Venus Williams) of the Pilot Pen Tennis Tournament (warmup for the US open, in case you're not tennis fans), and I would be watching that and doing the treadmill. (I actually don't mind doing the treadmill when I'm really tired if I am watching something that I'm really into). Instead, ESPN2 has been reserved for car racing and the semi-final will be shown recorded at midnight. Bummer. See those are the really important things in life. (I'm *not* kidding).

Which moves me right into why I haven't written for 2 whole days < g >. Actually, I'm a tennis nut, especially women's tennis. So there's been some great tennis going on (deep women's field), and I am also trying to get work out in between the matches and do the treadmill 45 minutes each day. (And there weren't any questions that I hadn't answered, I don't think :-) )

Chapter II: About Therapy
> You could just view her as you "work" therapist and see her when you are capable of "work".
Well, in theory that's a good idea, but not really practical. If I want my "times" reserved then I have to go because my insurance does not pay for missed appointments. To not go would be a big change and I'm not up to making any major decisions or changes right now. But we're working with EMDR and "managing affect". Sometimes it's very helpful for your therapist to set up the agenda. Like Thursday I walked in and she said, okay, we're going to continue working on "managing affect". When my life was more active than my depression, I would then sometimes say, "but.....came up this week....", and then we'd do an agenda change. But this is fine for now.

We totally stay away from the topic of medication, which feels totally bizarre, since that is the focus of what's going on now. But the opiate thing is so disturbing to her that it is best to not even mention it. And probably talking about what feelings are coming up and how to stop them from overwhelming me is more useful anyway.

Chapter III: Wellbutrin, Other Assorted drugs, and Addiction
> Wellbutrin is a great drug if it works for you. It is a puppy upper and I felt it right away. (we seem to respond differently though to drugs).

What is a puppy upper? (Will something wag or poop in the wrong place :-) ) No really, I never heard that term.
I know that I am not feeling any good effects yet because I wake up so depressed. The extra oxycontin is helping enormously. The only problem with the wellbutrin is that it's making me verbally inarticulate (which my pdoc says comes up quite often with wellbutrin and hopefully will go away). Being verbally inarticulate is not okay for me. I will give it some time, but here's my main concern, which I will ask him about when I see him on Monday. He says, "don't worry, it's a trial", but meanwhile during these trials the oxy gets me through and I need his absolute commitment that he is willing to raise the oxy as high as it needs to be raised until I find a med that works. Because with each failed trial, I have become habituated to 10 more mg of the oxy. (It's really too bad it's not offered in 5mg--because I am actually going up 10mg more than I need to each time. Like now I take 20 bid, instead of 15bid.

I asked him again about buph and he feels that it is a "dirty" drug, that it has too many side effects and causes too many complications in combinations with other drugs. He's also not convinced there is no tolerance with buprenorphine.
Elizabeth, this is just his opinion, and I didn't really get into a discussion about it because I have very little time with him and was focusing on the wellbutrin (which is also not his favorite AD because of complicated side effects). I still wouldn't mind trying buph, especially after reading posts from Neil and jojo. But I am fine with the oxy as long as the rug is not pulled from under me. I am not scared of my tolerance to it, in terms of never being able to get off or going through horrible withdrawal or anything. I can't imagine that it would be worse than effexor, for example.

> I was very suicidal
> I am so sorry to hear this. And concerned. How are you now? Does it help to remember to just crawl under the desk until the storm passes?

To be honest, what helped was the fact that my doctor upped the oxycontin and I started a new trial with wellbutrin. And I went back on estrogen--I'm going to try it for a new months and then rethink it. I am getting what are hot flushes, (not flashes) which is a sign of lowered estrogen (in spite of my 2 glasses of soy milk daily).

> What happened with your pdoc on Thursday?
didn't raise wellbutrin because of my experience of inarticulation.

> I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin on Wellbutrin. My anxiety shot through the roof. But I know a lot of people don't have that reaction and I hope you are one of them.

Well the mental/verbal aspect is more troublesome, but I did take 5mg of valium today. I'm also not at all worried about valium addiction. (Am I sounding more and more like an addictive personality with all my denial in this posts? < g >) I've taken valium off and on through my entire adult life (that or klonopin) and I just feel it normalizes a shakey life that could be even shakier. I mean, I have PTSD, and I will have to take drugs for depression and anxiety, and do therapy. It isn't my fault and these drugs allow me to have a richer life. It feels very simple to me.

> > > >so I am feeling off-center and very unprofessional. But at least she is off the schedule for next week.
> It's like they say in an airplane, first you put the oxygen mask on yourself, then you do for others. You know this, but I will say it anyway, it is not unprofessional to take care of yourself when you are sick. It is irresponsible to not take care of yourself when you are sick. You are doing everything you can Shelli. You just can't control this disease or your response to meds. All you can do is batten down the hatches during the tough times and survive so that you will be here when times are better--moods pass. I also want to remind you that you have a serious disease. If you were having a bad spot with MS, you would go easier on yourself I think. Somehow, I think, we buy into the notion that we "ought" to be able to do better than we can even though we know it's not something we can snap out of.
Thanks for the lecture. Really.

Chapter IV: Work, Vacations and Family Issues
I am always struggling with work issues because even when my depression is under control, I distract easily. Having a DD is part of it. It obviously does take a lot of discipline to work at home by yourself and that is always a struggle for me. Plus I am really slow at doing things; that is by temperment and it's the way I like to work. But I need to work on using work time more efficiently, so I don't feel guilty when I'm not working. Today was good because I had deadlines (post office closes, frame store closes) so I pushed myself to finish what needed to get framed and mailed before I got on the computer, for example. :-) And that is important because it makes me feel much better about myself and less out of control.
> > > > Did you used to like vacations. I mean, is this part of the depression? Do you ever just go away with your husband?
> Hard to say if I used to like vacations. I think I thought I was supposed to enjoy vacations. I go away with my husband once a year. This is terrible to admit, but I still find I have to "manage my energy" level to make it good for him.

I think I understand that. Is it like his energy level is higher or different, so you feel like you are keeping the pace at his level so *he* can feel, "I had a great vacation." I can see if you do have different energy levels that it would be easier working out living together than planning time on a vacation. Is this what you mean? I guess also different types of vacations would be more suited to one energy level over another. How are your energy levels different?

> > > >I'm hoping that her teenage years won't be too rough on us.
> > I hope they won't be rough on her :-)
> They say that the years of greatest risk for mental illness are the years of hormonal change. I share your hope for her.

Since she has the personality that you have described, I would think that she'll be fine. I can imagine that your depression makes you watch her closely, but you were also a neglected child and she is not. I mean that even if genetically she has a predisposition to depression, the circumstances usually have to be there for depression to be manifested. Not always of course, like with you, Elizabeth, but more often than not.

Schizophrenia is a strange thing, because it is often manifested in the late teen years and if I remember correctly, more often for boys. That is a strange thing that I don't know a lot about but I should. Both an old boyfriend and my friend's brother both had normal childhoods and began to show signs of schizophrenia at about age 18 or 19.

I'm of course, wondering, about you and parnate. If the rash turns out to not be an issue, you didn't get a headache today, so I don't get why you are feeling so pessimistic? Or is the talk about nardil a just in case scenario so you'll be ready if...?

BTW, I'm getting nightmares, not awful ones, more like bad long dreams since I started wellbutrin that I really do not like.
Wishing that you wake up rested without a headache tomorrow and a rash has nothing to do with parnate.

Oh wow, I can believe it is now 11 pm and I have written this much. This was like my evening activity. I think I should go back and put in chapters, or present it as a serial. See what happens when I don't write for two days. What is the face for embarrassed?

Take care,





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