Posted by Steffany on March 1, 2001, at 13:21:15
In reply to Re: 'virtual' therapy » Steffany, posted by Cece on March 1, 2001, at 1:07:32
yeah... there are definetely both benefits and drawbacks to the whole AA thing; on the one hand, you can't argue that it's worked and saved many, many people's lives. and i understand WHY they're so restrictive--i think the structure is really welcomed by a lot of people, even when it involves "starting all over from scratch" b/c you had that one drink and sabotaged all your "sober time," etc. i think that while i was going (to NA) i had this nagging sort of feeling that i was a fraud--that compared to what so many of these people had suffered, i was totally privileged, middle-class, sheltered, had not really lost much of anything b/c of my addiction except for the chance to graduate from yale. i was embarrassed about it... also, i tended to be the youngest person at these meetings, except for the occasional 16-yr old acid-kid who was there on the orders of their p.o.
anyway, there's that feeling of 'sacrilege' you described when you said you were now able to drink recreationally (after 6 years! that's really amazing. wow.) i remember writing to one of my therapists from rehab, one whom i'd felt pretty close to (she was a social worker), and telling her that i was drinking every now and then but not feeling out of control about it at all. i expected her to disapprove at least somewhat, but instead she just never answered. i felt like she'd written me off. (though there's also a chance she never received my letter, etc.)
i'm sure i would be overly sensitive on the subject of substance abuse w/a therapist... that's why, again, i wonder: is youth (relative inexperience/un-jadedness) a plus or a minus? are they going to see "heroin" and freak out b/c i look so utterly normal? i don't know. i'm definetely wary on this issue and particularly b/c i don't use heroin anymore, or any drugs really except some alcohol, cigarettes, and cough syrup. (okay, that's probably not too great. but comparatively!) i guess i kind of wish i'd had a therapist i could talk to honestly when i was abusing drugs. i wonder if doctors ever realize how often people lie to them to protect themselves? i'm amazed, too, that so often doctors have never heard of the medications i take--they're not in the least obscure. and do i really want this person giving me a pelvic exam or whatever if she doesn't know what wellbutrin is?
i'm thinking of something that happened a few months ago when i went to the gynecologist for the routine pelvic exam. she asked me all this stuff about my medications--what's this one for? what do you take this for? (this was an m.d.) then when i was up on the table, feeling totally exposed and just "uggh, get this over with please", she saw the scars on my stomach from cutting myself and just literally gave me the most disgusted look. and then asked: "so, do you just like really hate yourself or something?" it was just so unprofessional that i almost started laughing in spite of myself. WHERE did this woman come from? it was only afterward that i started feeling really invaded and humiliated.
you said that you were taking a lot of medications, some of which were pretty obscure...? have you ever taken an maoi? i just never really considered them as a real possibility until reading some of the stuff posted here. i don't think i'd really want to try them yet, though i've heard they can be remarkably effective when few other things are. but i'd kind of like to know if there's anything out there if or when i get depressed again. something besides effexor!
thanks for writing me.
-steffany
poster:Steffany
thread:54711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010221/msgs/55230.html