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Re: What am I doing?

Posted by bissie66 on January 30, 2001, at 13:13:32

In reply to Re: What am I doing?, posted by Noa on January 30, 2001, at 8:51:46

> Dear Lexie,
>
> This worries me a lot, although I understand the idea of having the feeling of control--having an escape hatch stored away.
>
> Still, this is dangerous.
>
> It is bad judgment.
>
> Here is something to think about: you are trying to establish yourself in the best possible light as a mother, so that as the situation develops, others' assessment of you as a mother will be positive. Perhaps if you told yourself that in order to do this effectively, you need to do it HONESTLY, that you need to truly be the best you can be, including taking optimal care of YOURSELF, because your son NEEDS YOU, then, you can be motivated to throw away all those extra pills, and decide either that you will not get any more from the doctor OR you will use them appropriately and not amass them.
>
> And, the truth is, YOUR SON DOES NEED YOU!!! Despite the stress of the separation, divorce, etc., it doesn't begin to compare to the TRAUMA that your son would experience if you should take all those pills and either die or be harmed significantly.
>
> Having the pills puts you and your son at risk. If there is the opportunity and the means, all it would take is the impulse and a moment of loss of control of your impulses.
>
> Losing a mother to suicide is one of the MOST DEVASTATING things that can happen to a child. I know you do not want this for your child.
>
> Think of another danger that you would protect your son from. Woulnd't you do all you could do to DISTANCE your child from that danger as much as you could? To eliminate any chance of coming close to allowing that danger to occur to your child?
>
> Well, in my mind, this is the same thing! By amassing those pills, you are creating a dangerous risk--creating conditions under which you might end up causing your child psychological trauma by depriving him of his mother.
>
> You are a devoted mother. I would guess that it is not your intention to cause such harm to your son. So, Lexie, do the right thing. Get rid of those pills. Create conditions of SAFETY for yourself. Your son needs you. You have a good relationships with him and that relationship is so incredibly important to him.

Lexie, from what Noa wrote, I think I have gone through something similar to what you're going through, having to do with separation and my ex trying to take my kids from me. I was alone for the first time in my house too. I wanted to die too. And I knew I'd be ruining my kids' lives if I did it, but it didn't stop me from thinking of it in terms of an escape from the pain. I still mourn, and cry a lot, but things are better. The pain doesn't overwhelm me as much, it doesn't define me, even though it is my constant companion on some days. Let me know if you want to e-mail or anything -- I think I've been where you are.

Take care of yourself!


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