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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lexie on January 29, 2001, at 5:40:00
I am feeling so much better with the medication I am taking. My doctor asks me how the sleep is going and I tell him the truth, not so good. He prescribes me sleeping medication, but I do not take it. I keep putting it away on purpose. Just incase I should ever want to take it all at the same time. It makes feel good to know it is there, like a peaceful feeling. I know I am feeling so much better with the topamax and lamictal and the depression has lifted so I don't know why I feel like I need this security blanket. Everytime I get a new prescription for it I get a really good feeling almost a "Conquering" feeling can anyone relate? Lexie
Posted by Mark H. on January 29, 2001, at 19:56:34
In reply to What am I doing?, posted by Lexie on January 29, 2001, at 5:40:00
Dear Lexie,
I can certainly relate, but I also know how dangerous that feeling is. Is there someone in your household whom you would trust to keep the medicine for you, specifically so you won't ever be tempted in a moment of weakness or despair to use it to take your life?
How about backing off from thinking the "ultimate" way out is an option, and instead think that if you have some horrible day, you can call your doctor and ask her/him for permission to stay home sick, take one or two sedatives (whatever comprises a safe yet effective dose), and just sleep until you feel better? Generally, when we're seriously depressed, our judgment isn't all that good anyway. If we ended it then, there's no telling what wonderful change the next day might have brought.
Please find some way to take comfort and pleasure in thinking that you have the support you need to get through a bad stretch of hours or days -- not by killing yourself, but by taking additional medication responsibly under the care of your doctor.
Warm regards,
Mark H.
Posted by Lexie on January 29, 2001, at 20:31:29
In reply to Re: What am I doing?, posted by Mark H. on January 29, 2001, at 19:56:34
MarkI don't have anyone else in my house anymore and I am all alone for the first time in my life (38 years). You may have read some of my earlier posts. Even though the medication I take has lifted the depression, the depression I feel now is more "Situational" than "Clinical", sometimes this place gets so quiet, it is hard to explain but I just can't stand the quiet. I don't want to hear the clock ticking or the refridgerator running anymore. All the quiet makes me hear all the pain in my heart. Lexie
Posted by Mark H. on January 29, 2001, at 21:00:14
In reply to Re: What am I doing?, posted by Lexie on January 29, 2001, at 20:31:29
Dear Lexie,
I've had so many similar experiences in the past, and when you're all alone it puts even more responsibility on you to look after your own health and well being. Some part of you has to love you, has to care for you and -- hopefully -- is willing to contradict you, gently, when you feel despairing.
During my alone days, sometimes I put myself to bed like I was little kid, comforting myself when no one else was there. I had to stop the desire to hurt myself and at least believe that it was right to "start again tomorrow," regardless of how I felt.
If your depression is more situational, then you know it will more than likely pass. Be really good to yourself while you're suffering, knowing that things absolutely will change. Be patient with yourself.
Things will get better, Lexie!
Best wishes,
Mark H.
Posted by Noa on January 30, 2001, at 8:51:46
In reply to Re: What am I doing?, posted by Mark H. on January 29, 2001, at 21:00:14
Dear Lexie,
This worries me a lot, although I understand the idea of having the feeling of control--having an escape hatch stored away.
Still, this is dangerous.
It is bad judgment.
Here is something to think about: you are trying to establish yourself in the best possible light as a mother, so that as the situation develops, others' assessment of you as a mother will be positive. Perhaps if you told yourself that in order to do this effectively, you need to do it HONESTLY, that you need to truly be the best you can be, including taking optimal care of YOURSELF, because your son NEEDS YOU, then, you can be motivated to throw away all those extra pills, and decide either that you will not get any more from the doctor OR you will use them appropriately and not amass them.
And, the truth is, YOUR SON DOES NEED YOU!!! Despite the stress of the separation, divorce, etc., it doesn't begin to compare to the TRAUMA that your son would experience if you should take all those pills and either die or be harmed significantly.
Having the pills puts you and your son at risk. If there is the opportunity and the means, all it would take is the impulse and a moment of loss of control of your impulses.
Losing a mother to suicide is one of the MOST DEVASTATING things that can happen to a child. I know you do not want this for your child.
Think of another danger that you would protect your son from. Woulnd't you do all you could do to DISTANCE your child from that danger as much as you could? To eliminate any chance of coming close to allowing that danger to occur to your child?
Well, in my mind, this is the same thing! By amassing those pills, you are creating a dangerous risk--creating conditions under which you might end up causing your child psychological trauma by depriving him of his mother.
You are a devoted mother. I would guess that it is not your intention to cause such harm to your son. So, Lexie, do the right thing. Get rid of those pills. Create conditions of SAFETY for yourself. Your son needs you. You have a good relationships with him and that relationship is so incredibly important to him.
Posted by bissie66 on January 30, 2001, at 13:13:32
In reply to Re: What am I doing?, posted by Noa on January 30, 2001, at 8:51:46
> Dear Lexie,
>
> This worries me a lot, although I understand the idea of having the feeling of control--having an escape hatch stored away.
>
> Still, this is dangerous.
>
> It is bad judgment.
>
> Here is something to think about: you are trying to establish yourself in the best possible light as a mother, so that as the situation develops, others' assessment of you as a mother will be positive. Perhaps if you told yourself that in order to do this effectively, you need to do it HONESTLY, that you need to truly be the best you can be, including taking optimal care of YOURSELF, because your son NEEDS YOU, then, you can be motivated to throw away all those extra pills, and decide either that you will not get any more from the doctor OR you will use them appropriately and not amass them.
>
> And, the truth is, YOUR SON DOES NEED YOU!!! Despite the stress of the separation, divorce, etc., it doesn't begin to compare to the TRAUMA that your son would experience if you should take all those pills and either die or be harmed significantly.
>
> Having the pills puts you and your son at risk. If there is the opportunity and the means, all it would take is the impulse and a moment of loss of control of your impulses.
>
> Losing a mother to suicide is one of the MOST DEVASTATING things that can happen to a child. I know you do not want this for your child.
>
> Think of another danger that you would protect your son from. Woulnd't you do all you could do to DISTANCE your child from that danger as much as you could? To eliminate any chance of coming close to allowing that danger to occur to your child?
>
> Well, in my mind, this is the same thing! By amassing those pills, you are creating a dangerous risk--creating conditions under which you might end up causing your child psychological trauma by depriving him of his mother.
>
> You are a devoted mother. I would guess that it is not your intention to cause such harm to your son. So, Lexie, do the right thing. Get rid of those pills. Create conditions of SAFETY for yourself. Your son needs you. You have a good relationships with him and that relationship is so incredibly important to him.Lexie, from what Noa wrote, I think I have gone through something similar to what you're going through, having to do with separation and my ex trying to take my kids from me. I was alone for the first time in my house too. I wanted to die too. And I knew I'd be ruining my kids' lives if I did it, but it didn't stop me from thinking of it in terms of an escape from the pain. I still mourn, and cry a lot, but things are better. The pain doesn't overwhelm me as much, it doesn't define me, even though it is my constant companion on some days. Let me know if you want to e-mail or anything -- I think I've been where you are.
Take care of yourself!
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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