Posted by kerry B on July 10, 2000, at 23:24:08
In reply to Reply for you Kerry B » kerry B, posted by Kath on July 10, 2000, at 15:33:08
> > > > > Hi Kath,
> > > > Thanks for your message. I'll start by saying that I did have my hair fixed up. I had about 4 inches taken off as it was all dead ends and looked quite a mess but now it's much better and feels better too. I don't feel so bad about it now and it is easier to look after, just shoulder length now!
> > > > I am the same as you with spending time on here, I just can't seem to get away and when I look at the time, I think, "where's it gone"? But I love it on here, the people are so very nice and helpful. I think, if it had not have been for this, I would have been very alone but finding this site (I don't know how I did) really helped me understand a lot of what I was going through and the support was tremendous!!!!!!
> > > > I am glad your daughter has realized the benfit of the meds. It is very confusing when you start to feel different, actually funtioning and as she has done, going of the meds, I have done that too in the past with not very good results. I thought I was on top of the world and so happy, but it didn't take long for my world to come crashing down!! I think it takes a lot of understanding to know what it feels like to feel normal if you know what I mean, I find it very hard even today to know how I'm supposed to feel and what a normal feeling is. You sound like a great mum, so supportive of her, I think she is a lucky girl to have you!!!
> > > > Sorry about your son. My eldest son is also into the marijuana and the last time I saw him, he confessed to me that he was. As a matter of fact, he snuck out the back and had it and when he came back inside I looked at him and gently confronted him about it. I just told him to be careful, that there are dangers and terrible side affects that can come from it and that I am always here if he needs to talk or just have support. He was O.K about it, inside my heart I was crying but I couldn't let him know that.
> > > > It's good that your son admitted to taking the $160.00 from you, and I agree with you, it would be a bad idea to give him the money his bio-dad sends you because we know where that would go.
> > > > Sometimes, and in situations like this, we have to be cruel to be kind!
> > > > Sometimes they can hold a grudge against us thinking we are the meanest mums in the world but I think let it be that way because in the end, they find the right direction along the way. They might go through some really tough times but that is the only way for them to learn. Parents are not the doorway to easy street as some kids think.
> > > > The only real way to sort out the things that are bothering him is to talk about them, that's easy to say because they don't take advice lightly, but you never know, he might just turn around when things get too much for him one day and ask for help.
> > > > All we can do as parents, is be there for them, as you are doing, do the cruel to be kind bit and pray!!!!
> > > > Hope this has been of some help. I am only going by my own experience in these matters and they seem to have worked for me, not all the time of course, but alot of it. I shall hold you and your kids in my prayers if you like and hope things improve for you and for them.
> > > > Hang in there! You sound like a wonderful mum and person so don't let it get you down, just take one day at a time and when you wake up each morning, say a little prayer for the events that will take place that day and hand them over.
> > > > Better go now, I have to do the lovely job of ironing the kids clothes so as I can pack them for their week with Grandma!!!!!Bye for now.....
> > > >
> > > > Kerry
> > >
> > > Hi Kerry - THX alot for your kind words. If I'm objective I acknowledge that I'm a good mum, but then I thing 'ya, but if should have done this & this etc. etc.' My daughter has told me how glad she is that I'm her Mom & how she tells her friends about me & they say "Wow, your Mom is so neat." That really makes me feel pretty good, especially right now! Thanks for sharing & for supporting the "cruel to be kind" school. I'm feeling pretty good today, but haven't seen our son yet today & he camped on the patio again last nite. I guess I'll have to go out in the night & speak to him!! Oh well.
> > >
> > > I'm excited that you got your hair done! I have chin-length naturally-curly (VERY) hair & recently, I went to the hair dresser & said I'm so SICK of always having it the same way!!!!! He dried it with the blow-dryer & a round brush & it was smooth & straight with a slight curl under & made bangs going sideways. I LOVED IT!!! I got it done a few times like that I truly love it. I can't do it myself, so just touch it up with the brush & blow-dryer & wait AGES to wash it. The minute it's damp out my hair goes "BOING!" into curls! I wanted to get it done again, but it's been rainy alot & it would be a waste of money because BOING! Anyway, I do know now that I can do that. It feels wonderful to have my "straight" hair blow in the wind.
> > >
> > > Thx for sharing about your son. Apparently marijuana today is massively stronger than in my teen days. Therefore it has a way stronger effect on users. I've heard this from various sources.
> > >
> > > Hope all your ironing & packing etc. goes well. Take wonderful care of yourself.
> > >
> > > Hugs. Kath :-)
> >
> >
>
> HI KERRY B. - I'm answering throughout your post & will mark my entries with .............
>
>
> > Hi Kath!!
> > Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better today.
> > You ARE SO LUCKY to have curly hair! I pay a fortune to get my hair permed so it's curly, my hair is flat straight and I have to style it every day with the blow dryer and the faithful old round brush I have! It's a real pain!!!
>
> ..................I know, people always say I'm so lucky, but it does what it wants to & that's not often what I'd like. I did go today & got it done. Isn't that funny; you curl yours with a round brush & blow dryer & I get mine done that way at the hairdresser's & then smooth it out with the round brush & dryer! Oh well, seems like most people aren't satisfied with their hair. I suppose with my permanent permanent, at least when I go swimming I just let it dry after & it looks like it always does.
>
> > Just wondering why your son camps out on the patio. Is it because of the hours he keeps or he just prefers it that way?
>
> ..............I don't know where I posted about it. Our son smokes pot daily, is unpredictable modd-wise (depends where on the drug-use cycle he is). He's been attending a day-treatment/school program. We've been having family councelling there, but all he's interested in is US making changes. He doesn't seem interested in HIM making any changes ALSO. A couple of weekends ago my son was gone for 4 days without letting us know his whereabouts. It turned out that he'd gone to a town about an hour & a bit from here with a friend from school & just didn't let us know. We had the police looking for him & tried to keep from getting too frantic. Then last weekend, we were planning to go away for the weekend; told our son he was invited to his sister's & we'd take him there - that if he didn't go, we needed him to make other arrangements, because we didn't want him or his friends in the house. When we got home, he's come in through the basement window & the pot smoke in his room was such that if you wanted to get stoned, just go in there & breathe. The next day (last Mon) we told him that because of how things have been going for the past months, we've decided that if there is a major breaking of our house rules, Strike 1 will be 2 full days off our property, Strike 2 will be 4 full days, Strike 3 will be find somewhere else to live. We said that if a serious enough event happened, it would be directly to Strike 3. We live in Canada. He is 16 & parents are legally responsible for providing shelter until out children are 16. Well, the very day after we told him about the Strikes, he was confrontational with me; demanding; disrespectul & stole $160. from my purse! So we went directly to Strike 3. I put some of his stuff in a knapsack & put his sleeping bag out in a plastic bag. Since then, he had been coming onto the patio after we were in bed, sleeping on the lounge in his sleeping bag & leaving before we got up. Last nite & the nite before, he slept elsewhere. He has a list of resources for teens, shelters, his social worker at the school, etc. & a phone card. He's been back to get his bag etc. & wasn't respectful. He's tried to get me to give him the support $ that I receive from his bio-Dad; he's tried to get me to give him money; etc. So that's where we're at. I've told him that even though he probably hates us right now & it probably feels like we hate him, we do love him. I've told him that if he has a plan in place & no way to get to a resource center or job-hunting, he can call me & we'll see what we can work out. He told me that he has somewhere he can live if he gets a job. I am completely worn down by his situation over the past year & a half (at least).
>
>
> > When my 18 yr old was living with us a while ago, I could never sleep properly, sort of subconsciously waiting to hear him come home and when he did, be it whatever hour in the morning, I would get up and have a chat with him, not a confronting chat but a "as a matter of fact chat" and he'd end up telling me bit by bit of what he did and where he was then all I had to do was put all the pieces together and I'd have the full
> story without him even realizing.
>
> .......My son & I communicate pretty well & he tells me alot of things, but the drugs get in the way BIG_TIME. I never know who I'm going to be talking to - my nice kid, who I like, or some confrontation, disrepectful jerk. (He's called me a F-ing Bi--- etc.)
>
> > We always have to be one step ahead and it's a tiring job. He no longer lives here any more, he moved back to the city with his brother.
> > Not blaming him or anything, but I think having him live with us for 7 months, trying to get him an identity as he had nothing, and trying to educate him about the real world took it's toll on my health. I lasted out while he was here, I always put on a happy face even though I was very depressed, but now, I finally broke down, the build up became too much and so I became ill again.
>
> ..............I know! I think he's what caused my anxiety to get worse & worse. Now that he's out of the house, I feel so calm. Yes, I'm upset about it sometimes, but I don't feel as if I don't know what to expect, & I don't keep having his "stuff" to deal with.
>
> > Anyway, we as mothers, have to take care of ourselves and stop being last all the time because if we become ill, who is there to run the household? I wouldn't hand it over to my hubby, he just has no idea!!!!! I think bringing up kids is like sailing a ship, we are the captains, we say the orders and show direction as long as the crew will obey. We begin in calm waters, a storm comes along but we manage to sail through it as best we can and then after the storm passes us by, we hit sunshine. It's a never ending journey but it is an adventure!!!!! That's the way I look at it! Hope I make sense!
>
> .........Makes ALOT of sense. I don't feel like I want the "teenage adventure" right now, or for the near future - I should say the "drug-using-tennage adventure". They're 2 different things, for sure.
>
> > Well, my kids left for grandma"s a little while ago so I am alone and I really don't know what to do with myself! Strange how you look forward to the break and when you get it you feel lost!!!
> > We are having friends over this-afternoon so I guess I could get ready for that.
> > O.K. I'll go now, keep smiling and big hugs to you!!!
> >
> > Kerry :)
>
> I hope it doesn't take you too long to get into the swing of what to do with all that TIME for yourself!!. Hope you & your friends have fun.
>
> Take care. Hugs, Kath
Hi Kath,
Wow, my second day without the kids and I'm finally used to it now!! When they left yesterday, I felt lost and lonely so I moved two rooms around and that made me feel better!
How are you today????
I don't know whether it's a boy thing, but they just can't seem to understand where we are coming from. We can be kind and patient or we can be angry but they always seem to see the problem as being us.
I like this strike thing you have going. He seems to understand that, but he must have somewhere else to go to shower etc or is he allowed in for that. Where does he eat?
It is hard being a mother because they always reflect it back onto us but don't worry yourself about it, it will all change. My eldest 21, used to balme me for his dad & I splitting up, that went on for a long time but now, he is ok and we have a great relationship. Things can only get better.
That's what I wanted to ask you: Have you ever read a book by Barbara Johnson called "Stick a Geranium in your hat and be Happy"? She is an american woman and runs a ministry called Spatula Ministries. It is such a good book and I think it would benefit you right now. See if you can find it, it is everywhere over here, mainly in Christian Book stores, I highly recommend it for you. She went through troubles with her sons so you might pick up some tips (hers were a little different but give it a go), it has some good things on how to get through ordeals and stay on top.
I think you did the right thing when he stole the money out of your purse. I know I would do the same thing. It means they can't be trusted and I think it takes a fair while until you can have that trust again. How long has he been on pot? Was it one year now? In my experience, that's early days, sorry, don't want to bring you down. I feel that it doesn't agree with him. What was he like before he started on it? Was he respectful and reliable and trustworthy? It's hard to watch a family member slide backwards. If only he would seek help, but I guess he feels he's ok.
Has his appearance changed? What you could do, when he's in an approachable mood, is show him a photo of what he looked like before and what he looks like now. It could be a shock tactic?
If he disappears for days on end, don't worry. He's done it before and always come back, so don't worry, let's hope one day he'll come home with his "tail between his legs", so to speak), and apologize for what he's done.
In this situation, time is the only solution, time and patience and understanding. I'm not adding sympathy because they have their choice as to what to do with thier lives and if they choose the hard road, they have to suffer the knocks that come with it, So dear Kath, please do not let this get you down.
You deserve your happiness in life, you have done all you can from birth until now so it is up to him to pull himself together and take a good look at what he is doing to the ones that love him!!!!!
Agree!!!!Well, I'll go now and do some puzzles, they keep my mind open!!!!
Please take it easy and know that you are in my prayers!!!!!!Kerry :)
poster:kerry B
thread:39399
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000708/msgs/40021.html