Posted by Cindy W on May 16, 2000, at 8:46:46
In reply to Re: I beg to differ ...To Cindy W, posted by Alan on May 16, 2000, at 5:10:28
> > >
> > > > Bob, I think the therapist needs to be someone the client doesn't know very well. As a psychologist and also a person in therapy, I find I do not know much about my therapist, except that he is very warm and caring; unfortunately, this makes me put him on a pedestal and I have a "crush" on him. On the plus side, my transference feelings are "grist for the mill" of therapy, since undoubtedly I relate to him in many of the same ways I relate to others in my life, and if I ever have the nerve to talk about all that with him, will be able to understand and change what I do. From what I have read, the therapeutic relationship is the main factor in client change; whether the therapist is warm, authentic and caring makes more difference than whatever theories or techniques the therapist uses. The client changes when he/she is ready to change and feels sufficiently emotionally supported to change habitual ways of feeling and acting. As a cognitive behaviorist, I find it amusing that in my own therapy, I want more of an analytic, dynamic type therapy! However, I think if I knew my therapist too well, as a friend or lover, neither of us could be objective enough to be honest (friends and lovers always have a hidden agenda, of meeting their own needs). Therefore, as a therapist, I believe that the therapist should not disclose too many personal details (since I work in a prison, disclosing personal information is forbidden and can even be dangerous). All this is my two cents worth...but I still am in love with my therapist!
> > > *************************************
> > > Cindy,
> > > How do you get past or a handle on the "crush" part anyway? In my post above I described how it led to my female psychopharmacologist suggesting that I see someone else until I worked through that issue (I had disclosed to her my feelings after about a year).
> > > Do you believe that she and I should have explored that issue rather than her suggesting that I work through it with my talk therapist?
> > > Anyway, I see from this thread that this is more of a common problem than I thought.
> > > I was at the time trying frantically to find info. on transference from every book at the bookstores but they all seemed to be so clinical in their discussion of transference. I wonder if there is a good book that discusses this subject in depth???
> > > By the way your post was most informative to me and the "grist for the mill" concept made sense to me - that is what prompted me to respond to your post.
> > > Thanks
> > > Alan
> > > ****************************
> > Alan, I think that only a really secure therapist could address the transference...therapists are just people. If they are threatened, seduced, or overly flattered by someone falling in love with them in therapy, it would be hard for them to keep working with the client. I am hoping that my pdoc is sufficiently secure and has good enough boundaries that I can explore how I feel without scaring him to death, seducing him, or making him think I'm nuts. Since many, maybe even most people, have positive feelings toward their therapist which go beyond gratitude, I think it is an interesting topic, and one with which I'm struggling now. How can I be madly in love with someone I hardly know? Maybe in part because he listens nonjudgmentally and accepts me for who I am without any apparent investment or hidden agenda; maybe because I don't see him at his worst, when he is not on the pedestal I place him on; maybe because I don't have to pick up his dirty socks, or whatever. Since I know very little about my pdoc, except that he is kind, patient, and attractive, I have projected all kinds of things onto him which are superhuman and unrealistic; this is probably the same I do in new relationships with men in my life. So the theory goes that if I understand what I'm doing, I don't have to fall into those traps any more and can learn to see men (starting with my therapist) more realistically. I think, I guess, I hope, I speculate...I don't know for sure.
> ********************************
> This is good for me to hear from you...in fact it is terrifically insightful. Thanks.
> I guess that I can only speculate that me and my pdoc revealed so much about each other that we hit a dead end in regards to her feeling comfortable discussing it...maybe she learned something too!
> It is actually still pretty painful for me though. Maybe someday by chance I will meet her and REALLY get to know whatever more I seem to need to know about her...she does live in the same neighborhood. She did treat my wife for awhile . Maybe that has something to do with it - I don't know.
> Alan
> ****************************Alan, I think you're right...the fact that you got to know each other (your therapist revealed things) made it difficult to continue the therapeutic relationship. Sounds like she became uncomfortable and didn't feel she could work through the implications. I would imagine that that would make it very painful for the client, when the therapist then says go work it through with somebody else...it's like losing a therapist, confidante, friend, "crush" all at once, which would really hurt. In the past, I've always held back in therapy, until now, and never had quite the intensity of positive feelings I have now toward my pdoc. Hope I can resolve it successfully with him. As a therapist, I've never had to deal with this (have always worked in state hospitals and now in a prison, where I'm not allowed to reveal anything, which really discourages transference, as does the rule that any untoward verbal expressions or behavior by an inmate gets them cuffed and disciplined by custody). So for me, transference and countertransference have never really been an issue, as a therapist. It's weird being on the other side of the fence! Just by virtue of being so intimate with someone (telling him/her all your life history, fears, mistakes, fantasies, etc.), makes it almost like a love relationship but without the physical intimacy. That's what pulls for the transference, I think. The therapist has to be secure enough in himself/herself and in his/her relationships not to need to reciprocate with emotional or physical intimacy. It's a very weird relationship. But it sure does allow all the client's projections, fantasies, and typical patterns to emerge! It seems useful but at the same time very scary.
I'm not sure I'd ever see the same therapist who's also seeing my spouse; that would be a little weird for me. I'd always wonder what they said about me when I'm not there. It's bad enough that my therapist sees a friend of mine (female). It's taken a while for me to realize that he does maintain confidentiality and doesn't disclose things I've told him in confidence to other people I know.--Cindy W
poster:Cindy W
thread:33299
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000508/msgs/33593.html