Posted by Racer on May 1, 2004, at 12:26:57
OK, this isn't related to the liver masses, this is medication related. I know, been here before, but I need my hand held again. Damn, I'm pretty pathetic, aren't I?
Anyway, my therapist made an appointment for me to see the doctor, told me that the clinic had been reluctant to make the appointment, because I'd cancelled so many now -- you know, the oh-so-subtle, "better show up this time, or we'll just withdraw support from you" sort of message -- and I'm out of excuses. We have been talking about what to do and how to do it: what is really bothering me, and how to express it to the doctor. (Mind you, this all feels kinda like a simulator exercise, since everything else I've said seems to have made the rounds to everyone involved in the treatment team -- and the results all seem to come from what someone else says, not from anything I say to anyone. Hey, guys, can you make me feel any more powerless? Gotta start thinking hard on that one -- you've really shown a lot of imagination so far. I feel as if what the therapist says to him out of my presence -- whether or not it's a distortion of what I've said -- is probably going to have more of an effect than anything I say directly. Tell me again why it's worth the effort to try to say anything at all?) Now that it's "real" -- now that the appointment is made, and I know I have to go to it no matter what, I'm overwhelmed and terrified again. (Maybe my therapist could suggest to him that he not wear that red suit with the tail this time?)
I've got two main issues with all this: the communication problems, especially the fact that four other people have brought up my strong reluctance to start Effexor again -- but he hasn't mentioned it to me. Getting so much pressure second hand sure doesn't help me to trust him.
The second issue is my reluctance to go on any anti-depressant again. It seems like I'd give up so much, for so little in return. Yes, I recognize that that perception is part of the depression, and I even think I have a partial solution to the problem: a pdoc who works a little harder to EARN my trust. Oooh, maybe he could do that by, say, pretendting to listen and pay attention and consider what I have to say? And, just for fun, let's pretend that I didn't hear so many things from other members of the "treatment team" that totally negate what he says to me!
So, let's start with the first part: my problem with the communication. Here's what's happening in me over it. First I say, "OK, I *can* do this. All I have to do is be clear in myself what's bothering me, and what I want to convey to him." The problem is that doing that is really *not* as easy as it sounds. I have a really hard time defining my concerns, and an even harder time figuring out what I want. Or, at least, figuring out how to convey what I need from him. I can say here, "gee, I don't feel as if I can trust him, because there's such an inconsistency between what he says to me and what I hear from others." When I think of saying that to him, though -- yeah, sure, and don't get hit by that flying pig.
Insecurities? Sure. I'm convinced that if I say that he hasn't broken a sweat in trying to earn my trust, I can convince myself that it's not his responsibility to do so; that I'm at fault for not trusting him; that I'm at fault for thinking that trusting the doctor is relevant to my treatment in the first place! After all, it's the drugs that count, right? Whether or not I trust the doctor has no real bearing on whether or not the drugs work, after all.
So, then I'm back to wondering why it's worth the effort of trying to communicate any of this, when it's obviously my fault in the first place for being too needy (ie: wanting to feel some trust for the doctor), for needing the wrong thing, and for being unable to take responsibility for my own failure to respond appropriately.
(Yes, this is the sort of thing that therapy is supposed to help with. Guess what? I trust you guys more than I trust the therapist yet, especially since I think most of you have been through this so your understanding is not limited to an intellectual abstraction.)
Anyway, starting from there, can you offer suggestions and help clarify the issues and which really are relevant and which I should keep to myself?
poster:Racer
thread:342191
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/342191.html