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I'm going to ask for advice- ok? Definitely ok! » judy1

Posted by Shar on April 17, 2002, at 20:27:20

In reply to I'm going to ask for advice- ok?, posted by judy1 on April 17, 2002, at 17:32:52

Judy,
It is hard to work anything out completely, I think. Stuff with me, it can always seem to rear its ugly head again.

My guess is (from what I remember of your family of origin) that your current behavior is one of the most familiar roles for you, not necessarily comfortable. You probably don't have a great big bunch of different ways to be with men (I only have 3 or 4). I have almost like a blueprint I can find myself slipping into, repeating old patterns of behavior. Not just with men, but also in other situations and other roles.

It is definitely in your control to change it. Being aware is a BIG step. Plus, I bet if you can be aware of it when it's happening, it may not be how you really feel down deep. You know, you might think this therapist is nice, or skilled, or comfortable to talk to, whatever. But, the boundary stuff feels to me like an old pattern, not the here-and-now, authentic you.

Also, I think for a lot of women, being flirty is a good way to get approval (which we ALL want). It doesn't threaten men, they can relate to it, etc. But, IMHO you could learn to be the real YOU, and could get genuine approval from that, which I believe would mean much more to you. And, you could learn to approve of you, yourself, as you are so that even if someone doesn't give you approval, you will be ok with that (I'm working on this issue, too).

I believe it would be worth talking to your therapist about, if you feel up to it. You might as well...

Shar

> I don't know if anyone remembers my trials with my first shrink- the (big) boundary crossings, etc. I seem to be avoiding my current shrink because I feel like I'm repeating my behavior- he's not, very strong on boundaries. So amateur shrinks- why am I doing that (flirting, etc) even though I thought I worked that out with a psychologist. Am I doomed to repeat? Does this mean I didn't truly work everything out? See, I feel safe here (even if I get no answers)- Judy


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