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Re: Why is suicide so bad?

Posted by Bob (doncha just LOVE the holiday season?) on December 24, 1999, at 19:34:22

In reply to Why is suicide so bad?, posted by Kathy on December 24, 1999, at 15:29:11

> Most people don't get better. Why should I live to protect other people?

Well, since you asked, I say you shouldn't. Unless you've accepted responsibility for someone truly helpless, let them protect themselves.

I spent a looooonnnng time, actually grew up believing it my Purpose, trying to protect people who were beyond my help. Once I realized what a failure I was at it, I found I had no reason to live for myself. That's when I tried to kill myself.

And failed, obviously.

Of course, the bad thing about suicide is that, as far as any of us knows, it's terribly permanent. I mean, I'm sitting here with about ten "Millenium Lotto" lines on tickets next to me, the jackpot's up to$90M and still climbing, and I could go off myself because its freakin' Christmas (yes, with my family history, that's reason enough!). My luck, one of those numbers would win it all.

(Then again, since there's only about a 0.01% chance that I'd off myself in the next week, I probably haven't got a shot. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Maybe this notion of "not hurting your loved ones" is the last dirty little trick that Spark of Hope humans seem to be blessed/cursed with has. It's the ace in the hole created by some perverse deal between the subconscious mind and the instinct for self-survival.

You know, Noa, that's what my personal DLT has morphed into. I'd feel fine leaving my family behind, but I can't face the dishonesty of lying to my therapist about suicide. Happened last August ... told her how I was feeling, and that kinda did the whole plot in. Developed my own theory on defeating this instinctual Hope, tho.

And no, I'm not about to go telling anyone what it is right now, given the season and given that if I start trying to convince you, I may just wind up convincing myself. So don't ask.

Anyway, getting back to the question ... I think you're asking for only half the story. What's so good about it? Answer both questions fairly and completely ... by then, you'll probably be too tired to try anything or you may even forget what you were asking about in the first place. Confusing yourself completely can be the best AD there is.

Last point...back to what Dove said a few posts ago. You reminded me of a quote from a book that scares the hell out of me -- Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance:

"Mountains should be climbed with as little effort as possible and without desire. The reality of your own nature should determine the speed. If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Then, when you're no longer thinking ahead, each footstep isn't just a means to an end but a unique event in itself. This leaf has jagged edges. This rock looks loose. From this place the snow is less visible, even though closer. These are things you should notice anyway. To live only for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain which sustain life, not the top. Here's where things grow.

"But of course, without the top you can't have any sides. It's the top that defines the sides. So on we go ... we have a long way ... no hurry ... just one step after the next ..."

My dreams died a long time ago, and nearly took me with them, and I guess I've been wandering around the mountainside for quite some time now. I still don't have a reason to live FOR ME, and I don't buy into that living for others line anymore. Maybe someday I'll have the energy or the courage to dream again and find that reason, maybe I won't. But until then, when I can get myself to notice the view, the sights and sounds and smells and feels and tastes and vibes can be pretty spectacular.

And Kathy, that's why suicide is so bad for me right now.





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poster:Bob (doncha just LOVE the holiday season?) thread:16921