Posted by dove on November 3, 1999, at 12:25:13
In reply to Re: What next? (with a serious inquiry...), posted by Bob on October 31, 1999, at 15:11:42
Hey Bob, you still around? I was thinking quite a bit about your question and didn't really find any concrete answers. I do have some pretty basic ideas though. My husband struggles with down periods, very harsh and hopeless and detached, I don't know if it qualifies as depression in comparison to say *me* but it is really a dark mood that he gets into.
To encourage him to reach out and get his brain back into the living, I touch him a lot. And no, not that kind of touching, just letting him know that I notice him, walking past him and giving him a hug or touching his arm with a squeeze. All touch is nonsexual, nondemanding, nonaggressive and purely aimed at his deep nonsexual feelings. I also put my troubles on the backburner and attend to his feelings, thoughts ect.. I try not to add my garbage to his garbage at that point.
I think it's really important not to emphasize or pressurize performance at this point. This same approach is reciprocated when I'm the one under the dark moon.
After 1-4 days of this, there is almost always a positive response of some kind. Very often we realize that we are feeding the same demon so to speak. Taking time to put the other person first helps both of us. The demand free touching and nonjudgemental listening (including no fix-it like this advice) really opens the love-lines and enables us both to reconnect on a visceral level. It's not a cure-all or a perfect approach but it has it's merits in our relationship.
Just some thoughts, and hope the kicking of Z ain't hurtin' ya' too much.
dove
poster:dove
thread:14098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991108/msgs/14487.html