Posted by allison on October 26, 1999, at 10:27:15
In reply to Re: hospitalization, posted by Noa on October 25, 1999, at 21:57:06
> Why do you think you need to be in the hospital? Would a day treatment center/partial hospitalization program be helpful?
Thanks, Noa.
A little over a year ago, my husband left for another woman and my mother died unexpectedly within a two week period. I already was being treated for major depression, so of course, this made things even harder. I plunged myself into work, because as I told my pdoc, it was all I had left. I have no other family except for my dad, and he and I don't often see eye to eye.
I ran away for holidays like Christmas, but found, as you say, that I could not escape from myself. My pdoc added drugs, then spring came and the grief subsided some. Things weren't great, but were a little better. I went on a good vacation in August with a friend, but the effects didn't last long after I got back.
Now it's getting dark again -- outside, inside. Bracing for another long winter and on edge about the holidays, figuring I'll just stay home this year. My aunt has invited my dad and me for Christmas, but they haven't been getting along lately and I don't want to be a part of that situation so far away that I couldn't leave (I live in NY, they live in Wash. State). I also just sold my mother's house, which has been in my family for five generations (since 1897). The closing is next month. I feel really badly about losing that, although there really wasn't a choice. My divorce is about to be final. My husband of 13 years will be married again within a few weeks. Work is chaotic and is eating me up.
In short, things are closing in. I think of suicide all of the time. I wish and pray myself dead at night, just to be buried next to my mom. I am getting insecure again, thinking that I cannot handle my job and that pretty soon, somebody's going to come into my office and fire me. I worry constantly about things I've said or done (or not done or not said). Last Monday I got up and got dressed for work, but became so overwhelmed that I called in sick and went back to bed. I've never done that before. I think about just quitting my job and going home to bed, but that scares me. I write in my journal all of the time, hoping to expunge some of the bad feelings, but it isn't working.
I have some friends, but they all are married and have lives of their own. They were very supportive initially, but now they're back to their own lives and problems.
I guess I thought maybe hospitalization might be some respite, but I see now that it's not an answer because there really is no escape from life and especially self.
I count the days until my next weekly appointment with my doctor, who gets on me for not taking time off, but the thought of spending time off alone doesn't feel good, and in the end, I know I'll just be back in the same situation.
I don't know what partial hospitalization or a day program would be like. I don't know anything about them.
poster:allison
thread:13880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991028/msgs/13925.html