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Re: hospitalization -- Adam

Posted by allison on October 27, 1999, at 22:13:34

In reply to Re: hospitalization--thank you, posted by Adam on October 27, 1999, at 17:52:52

Good question(s). I will try to clarify.

> What sort if work is it that your doctor is talking about exactly? Is he your
> psychotherapist also? What style of therapy is he using? Do you find it helpful?
> Do you or he have any particular goals (besides the vague "not depressed?")?

First, yes, he's also my psychotherapist (one-stop shopping, I suppose you could call it, but it has made sense to me to be talking about therapy and drugs with the same person. He also gives me samples whenever he can get them to help keep costs down.) I have found our 40-45 minute weekly sessions helpful.

I think we are trying to get at the root of my anger, which when turned in can cause depression. I believe he's a follower of Jungian theory. We have talked quite a lot about architypes and which I fit into (we've also discussed Clarissa Pinkola Estes' book "Women Who Run With the Wolves" of which I have read about half. Her writing style drives me nuts, no pun intended.) We have discussed anima and animus, my femininity, how I have always been stronger than my husband, my strong sense of obligation, and we discuss my dreams whenever I can remember them enough to get them to paper.

When life gets to be too much, he listens, checks me over for suicidal ideation, asks me to define certain feelings such as "empty" to frustratingly minute detail, asks me about what I'm doing for myself (small things, nice things, like buying flowers, taking time to do things I like to do), checks to see if I'm cooking food for myself, asks whether I've been exercising (which helps), gets on me if I'm not doing those things.

He also makes suggestions on how to get through difficult circumstances such as memorial service details (I was being pressured to have a service right away, but he helped me see that I didn't have to do it right then, and I ended up waiting 4 months), who to invite when I buried my mother's ashes, unpacking and putting away the things from her house. Generally the idea is to try to have someone go with to help, but also it may involve making up a ritual of sorts that will bring more of a sense of closure. For instance I'm not divorced yet, but I unmarried myself on my last (13th) wedding anniversary by bringing down the best curse I could think of on my husband, spitting on my two rings and throwing each, one at a time, into a body of water that I live near.

We've talked about how the thought of suicide has been a comfort... knowing that it's there in case things get really bad...

He has been on me lately for not taking time off. Suggested I take a day off last week. He really wanted a week but knew I couldn't/wouldn't. Not long after my mother's death when I was pretty much at the end of my rope, he asked me whether I thought I needed to take a respite of sorts, but I insisted that I needed to keep working because it was the only thing of structure that hadn't been blown to bits. He backed off.

Last week, I was pretty frayed, but not as bad as this week. We talked about the sort of shrine I've absentmindedly created on my dresser with small items that were my mother's. The meanings of some of the items. We've talked about horses, maybe getting back into horseback riding.

If I'm having fears (such as losing my job), or when I blamed myself when the husband of a good friend came on to me while she was away, he combats/blasts away those thoughts with questions and reason.

I have thought a lot about suicide in the last year, but I always lamented that I couldn't do it until I was sure that my husband wouldn't get any of my estate and until I had a will drawn up. Well, I took care of those things in August. I've had a plan for some time. He is aware of this, and has seemed more serious lately. There's less holding me back now and he knows it, too. It's not so much the suicide as the coming apart at the seams (as you mention) that I'm feeling now and that is making me think that I'm not safe and I cannot trust myself. When coworkers ask me how I am (as one did today), I know I am in trouble.

when I asked about hospitalization, I was looking for an escape. A respite. But there is no escape from self. Hospitalization seemed maybe like a good idea, but it also scares me, as does ECT. I guess it's sort of one more step down into the depths. First it was admitting I needed to talk to someone. Then it was admitting that talking wasn't enough and I needed to take ADs. Then it was admitting that one AD wasn't enough and I had to take a second. I knew I needed these things before I talked to my doctor and before he had a chance to suggest them. Now hospitalization. Maybe ECT... I feel in a slow decline, and that is almost worse than the feeling of coming apart at the seams.

I apologize for rambling (I'm sure Weary, Weary too and Weary Three are sound asleep by now). I don't know if any of this makes sense.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and for your suggestions.




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