Posted by Bob on September 29, 1999, at 10:59:10
In reply to Re: Suicide-Rude Awakening, posted by Janet on September 29, 1999, at 10:15:15
Before I joined this board, about mid-August, I was two steps from the edge myself. The rational part of my mind, almost from a distance, keeps trying to tell me that the scariest part about it all is that this isn't a rude awakening for me. Having tried and failed once, when I was an undergrad years ago, somehow broke the "safety" mechanism -- I'll never be able to forget what I am capable of doing.
We all have our unique experiences that, all the same, are sooo familiar to one another. I can't say how others who have gone as far (but not too far) as I did see suicide, but here's my two cents.
There's this black void. You'll never know what's in it by looking, only by going. Maybe it's God, maybe it's peace, freedom from pain, or just one deep, unending sleep. But not knowing creates a fear of it -- a very, well, "healthy" fear.
If you haven't lost that fear, you walk up to the brink face first. You stare, you scream, you try to touch it. If no one has noticed you by now, you may even try to fall into it. But trying to fall forward is so hard -- you've got to get your center of gravity up over and across the balls of your feet and maybe you just don't have the energy, so you fall back away on your own (that was me). Maybe it just takes you so long that someone finally notices, grabs your arms, and pulls you back.
Now, if you've lost that fear of the void -- and I don't think that anyone who has not been through the pain we've been through can even understand how its possible -- if you've lost that fear, all that is left is trust. In a loving and forgiving God. In a sleep that is free from pain. In the possiblity that even if the void is just the void, that such total negation, annihilation, is still free from pain. You put your back to the void, for one last look at what you're leaving behind -- but your mind is already made up. There's nothing left to say. So you tip your head back, your shoulders, you roll back over your heels -- a trust fall into the void.
For those who don't know, a trust fall is a team-building activity often used in orienteering or outdoors education activities, when often you'll be doing group activities that require a lot of trust in one another. You need some sort of platform that is about shoulder height, for the person taking the fall. Everyone except the faller stands below, in two rows facing one another, arms extended and alternating between rows, hands in fists to protect the fingers. One person stands at the ends of the rows, to let the faller know when all is ready and to catch the faller's head safely. The faller stands on the platform, heels to the edge, facing away from the rows, arms folded across the chest. When everyone is ready, the faller leans back, leading with the head and shoulders so that you don't "jackknife" and fall butt first (called a butt fudge ;^) but, instead, flat as a board. People who butt fudge tend to reach back to try to catch themselves. But if you roll back, head first, body straight, you get a few seconds of freefall before your team safely catches you.Falling backwards like that requires a high degree of trust, and it's extremely exhilirating.
I can't blame or condemn anyone who has taken that fall, like many do. I can only grieve for the family of that woman (since grief is only for the living), and pray that she found the peace she sought.
Reporting several miles from the edge, thanfully,
Bob
poster:Bob
thread:12211
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991001/msgs/12250.html