Posted by Bob on September 11, 1999, at 16:44:50
(I'll try to keep this short ... not easy for me!)
I have no idea how to recognize when the way I am feeling is "good enough".
Explanation: To sum what I've said elsewhere or not ... I've been depressed for all that I can remember of my life -- from 8 yrs old and for the next 29 or so. I finally started getting therapy about 4.5 years ago and on meds about 2.5 years ago. My GP started me on Zoloft and, after two months or so, I was literally flying! It seemed like everything in the world gained an extra dimension -- colors were brighter, smells more intense, objects more solid and with greater depth. My mind was working at a level I had never before experienced. Then, after six months, my GP suggested that I go off the zoloft, since it was working so well (yeah, I know, put that way and in retrospect, it seems like the STUPIDEST thing to have done!). A month later, I seriously crashed ... falling farther down than I had been before meds.
Since then, zoloft simply hasn't had the same effect for me. I've been on ten or so combinations of meds since. While all (except paxil! ack!) raised my baseline mood and helped keep me stable, I feel like I've been several different people during the last 2.5 years, depending on what parts of me were accentuated or inhibited by what I was on at the time.
I used to think that none of those people were the real me ... that maybe no such person exists. More lately, and somewhat confirmed by reading An Unquiet Mind, I have accepted these as different versions of me, like the way I described it in the last paragraph.
That first time on zoloft was perhaps the only time I've ever really felt happy. What terrifies me is that there are all sorts of indicators that I may have been going through a manic reaction to the zoloft. In being happy, for instance, I racked up more than $10g in credit card debt, a good portion of which I simply can't account for (that is, other than going through my statements with a fine toothed comb ... the sort of thing that provokes a panic attack for me! ack!).
About a month ago, I put together a little chart on all the meds I've taken and at what times. When I finished, I just sat there staring at my computer, stunned at it all. My girlfriend saw me and asked what was up, so I told her about the chart. Her response (which may seem reasonable from the point of view of someone who doesn't need meds to function) was that I should be thankful that I've found a combination that works as well as it does (zoloft, nortriptyline, klonopin). At the time, I was rating myself at about a 4-5 on a scale of 10. That comment dropped me to about a 2. I sw my pdoc a few days later, and he said almost the exact same thing!! The next few weeks, I was closer to being suicidal than any other time since the one time I tried and failed, when I was 20.
I've stepped back from the brink and I'd put myself back at a 4, but the issue still haunts me somewhat. I've never been "normal" -- I have no time prior to being depressed to have as a goal. So, how do I tell -- how does anyone tell -- when things are good enough?
poster:Bob
thread:11426
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990829/msgs/11426.html