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Re:Here's one for you...I'll talk(& talk & talk..)

Posted by Shelley in Seattle on January 26, 1999, at 12:48:05

In reply to Re: Here's one for you..., posted by David K. on January 24, 1999, at 20:15:36

Wow, I am so glad to finally get on here today! This board must be very busy -- I couldn't load it at all yesterday!

One stray thought before I begin -- I can ASSURE you that I would have been better off without my mother. I am still trying to un-fuck my brain because of what that woman did to me. (oooh, my - do you detect a note of bitterness?? :-|

Moving right along -- David, you asked if any of us thought other people were sometimes worthless (besides ourselves). I must answer with a resounding "Yes!" I go through a lot of days thinking how pointless EVERYTHING seems to be. Consume; work more to consume more and bigger and better things; run through life at breakneck speed only to realize, on your deathbed, that there was no punchline -- life was just a bad joke; there is no meaning and there is no point and what good is it to try to lead a good life where you try to be mindful of others' needs and tread lightly upon the earth? It never seems to do any good. *deep breath* (This is a glimpse into my gray matter - this kind of stuff is on an endless loop in there, though the intensity has decreased with the Celexa). And I still try to live that kind of life anyway, because I know the difference even if no one else does. I couldn't live with myself any other way.

I am not totally preoccupied with this stuff now, but when I sit and observe the world I get very disheartened. I feel that there is not much hope most of the time. This is probably just me projecting, but it seems present even when I don't feel totally depressed.

Sorry. I was just answering the question, as I sometimes see it.

As for whether I would ever say to someone else that suicide was okay (beyond the terminal illness stuff, etc.) - it's kind of an ironic question for me. I am an HIV/AIDS educator, and I perform HIV tests & work on a info hotline (among the 3,000 other things that I do here as well, that I have already mentioned in other posts). I sometimes have to tell people that their serostatus is positive. I have to assess them for suicidal ideation. It's not as bad now as it was 3 or 4 years ago, before protease inhibitors - but when I worked on the hotline back then, I often talked with people who wanted to die. Even before they were symptomatic. It's a dichotomy for me, because I truly understand the desire to die (or, to 'just make it stop')… and I believe in an adult's right to choose. But when these decisions are made in a less stable frame of mind, as they usually are, I then have to question if they have really considered other options. It's a huge dilemma for me. But I never let them see that.

I have talked with friends when they were depressed and suicidal. I guess I have to admit I always try to dissuade them, even though I empathize.

As to the issue of control - yes, I do believe that is a large part of keeping a stash around like a security blanket. When one gets so depressed -- when it seems you have no control over anything else in your life, you can at least feel that you could control your death if you need to. You can make it stop, just cease to exist anymore.

That's why I grieved the loss when I realized suicide was no longer an option for me.

Geez, I am chatty on Celexa….




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