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Re: New year same boat

Posted by Nancy on January 2, 1999, at 14:50:18

In reply to Re: New year, posted by Dr. Bob on January 1, 1999, at 18:36:38

> > > Unbelievable. This is the last year of the century.
> > > Sorry, this is only the penultimate year of the century. Keep in mind, there was no year one...
> > No year zero, you mean? :-)
> It *is* the last year. The first century was a special case and only had 99 years. :-)
> Bob

How very astute and interesting an observation.
My New Years celebration consisted of a bottle full of Seruquel. Oh, man that stuff works fast. I was comatose by the time we hit the emergency room. I was in a coma for a few days. Best sleep I've had in years! I just didn't want to live with the #$@#*%&$ mixed state pain any longer. What did I do to deserve this misery? Nothing. And I'm resentful that I'm unable to life my life under my control; instead of being whip-lased about by these painful, infernal mood swings.

But you know what? just as soon as the last pill hit my stomach I felt an extremely ice-cold river flow through my body. Then, I felt great sorrow that I wouldn't see Mom and Dad, maybe for a long time. They are my only reason for living. Sure, I'm still in pain and my docs still out of town, but I have to stay alive so that I can recieve the rest of my ECT treatments. But, I'm unsure that I can last that long.

There was so much that I could have done with my life. So many talents and honors degree in chemistry. I was going to apply to med school (my one inspired dream). But like over night I began having serious, unmanageable mood swings, impulsivity, aggression, a sense of invincibility which led to dangerous behavior. I'm lost somewhere inside myself and I'm tryin to get back. I just wish that I could accept the cold hard facts. I'm only kidding myself to think someone like me (a severely, treatment resistive, bipolar) should become a physician. I need to learn to live with the hand of cards dealt to me and shut up.

I've been stricken ill to the level of nonfunctioning. I haven't been ABLE to work. I can barely take care of my personal hygiene. I'm really feeling hopeless and worthless. I don't see my life getting any better. I'm looking back at two-and-a-half lost years. I want to be rid of this disorder. I want to be whole and productive again. But how do we hold on? How long do we try before gently passing from this world?

Nothing Left,




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