Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 952349

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last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!

Posted by brokenpuppet on June 27, 2010, at 3:01:23

i'm crawling out from under a mountain of feelings i've been trying to feel and trying to avoid at the same time. i feel still with dread, but a stillness that masks the explosion waiting within me. once in a while a sickly whine escapes and when i catch my reflection in the mirror (or reflected in a soft toy starring accusingly and heart-brokenly at me) i cringe and just want to run away and take no responsibility.

yes, it was my decision to terminate, to go on my own, to go overseas and fulfill 'normal' dreams. JC (my soft toy bunny) doesn't understand. nor does the little me who for the first time started to get an idea what it would have felt like to have a mother, to have a mother who actually ... hard to even say the words.

i thought i had made peace with her, i told her we were going together, i wasn't leaving her behind, i was going to look after her. hard because me the parent is still as useless as my own parents were - not all the time though, i am a work in progress...

what i'm struggling with is the feelings. feelings of dark dark places. crawling with cockroaches. so alone i can't even find myself. forgotten. waiting. waiting with the most patient desperation. the fear is calm and aloof. maybe if i get to the pain and sadness i will be ok. it seems to elude me now. (sorry for the self-indulgent self pity or whatever it is. hope you don't find it depressing - or even worse, repulsive?)

i know i'll get better, just in a bad place right now. have to really feel the feelings, rather than just pretend and look at them from above.

i started writing this post with the intention to ask others how they have dealt with termination / the last session. mine is on wednesday next week. it's been a long time coming with lots of postponing but now it is final, it is the final one. i will probably see her again in 8-9 months, or if things go really badly earlier.

any thoughts or advice appreciated and sorry for the 'bad place' where this is coming from.


Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!

Posted by mystickangaroo on June 27, 2010, at 9:04:03

In reply to last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!, posted by brokenpuppet on June 27, 2010, at 3:01:23

Hello BrokenPuppet

From where I sit I see grief. buckets and buckets of it. You are saying goodbye to so much more than therapy. And jeepers that is A LOT in its own right.

The future is unknown. Scary exciting overwhelming too much to handle yet that challenge is calling you...

Keep doing what you are doing. It is working. Yes it HURTS but you are doing wonderful. Yes you are! because you can see the different parts of your self. You know they are there. Nothing is 100% perfect. There comes a time when the baby bird has to stretch its wings flap about and fly. Scary stuff. It does lead to flight though... :)

Your T is still supporting you with the open door. Hang in there. it takes time to build confidence in flying skills.


Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger! mystickangaroo

Posted by brokenpuppet on June 28, 2010, at 1:28:35

In reply to Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!, posted by mystickangaroo on June 27, 2010, at 9:04:03

thank you for your encouraging words mystickangaroo! i really appreciate it. i was in a pretty bad place yesterday, slightly better today but generally not much fun where i'm at.

i have lots of nice memories too and things that i learned from my T so I hope to see things more positively soon.

it's been hard because i remembered how abandoned i felt as a child and now going off on my own has brought all those feelings back, even though i am the one doing the leaving now.

i just needed someone to understand what i'm going through. thank you!


Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger! brokenpuppet

Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2010, at 9:38:16

In reply to last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!, posted by brokenpuppet on June 27, 2010, at 3:01:23

Your feelings sound perfectly understandable to me. Even if you have reached peace about it, as the final moment comes, of course it's terrifying and painful.

Losses are no less painful if we choose them. Sometimes I think they're even more painful.

My experience has been that once that initial shock is over, some of the peace seeps back. Perhaps that will be true for you as well.

My therapist always says that there is no way to get through grief without feeling pain. I can't give you any advice about final sessions. I've never done a good one. But a good general strategy for me has been to recognize that whatever feelings I'm feeling are ok to feel and have a purpose. That if I feel the pain, that the pain is telling me that I am losing something I care about. That if I don't feel the pain, then my brain feels it needs to shield me right now. Etc etc.

Not that I'm all that good putting it into practice. In practice I live avoidance.


Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger! brokenpuppet

Posted by Verloren on June 28, 2010, at 15:27:15

In reply to last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!, posted by brokenpuppet on June 27, 2010, at 3:01:23

Hi bp,

I was thinking of you a few weeks ago and couldn't remember when your move was.

It is hard isn't it.

I'm going to try to empathize without totally making this about me. But I felt your pain so much when you spoke of your "little me". I too have a little me, she's 6. She's been 6 for several years and doesn't quite know how to grow up. She gets upset at the decisions I make too. 6 year olds are hard to make understand our grownup decisions aren't they. Especially when they can see we are struggling with those decisions every bit that they are. *sigh*

Nothing you have said is depressing or repulsive. You are speaking of your feelings in a challenging time. Speaking openly and honestly is helpful and freeing imo. No apologies needed. We all have our dark places.

You are totally going to get better. This I definitely believe. And the little one will be scared, for a time, but she will trust you and you will take care of her and yourself.

Think long-term from now, when you're sharing your stories of this adventure with your T. Can you visualize yourself grinning while you tell her how you didn't think you could make it? Oh and how proud she would be of you.

I try visualizing my outcomes like this. It helps me to think of how I want to feel when it's done rather than the uncertainty I feel over doing it.

One other activity you and your T might do, is see if she would write you a few letters and/or flashcards.

The letters could be dated for you to open on certain days while you're away as a way to stay connected.

The flashcards could have little sayings from her to you that you could use daily or as needed to help your spirits.

And you are coming back to your T when you're done right? You're leaving on a very good note, for a good reason and will return yes? Then you have that to look forward to.

Perhaps I'm being annoyingly positive ( I do that when it's not my own life). But I'm excitedly thinking of the pictures and stories you will share with her.

I do remember not taking my termination well with my evil ex-T. I made it my car then cried and sobbed for 40 minutes. But she was evil, and it was a permanent termination on bad terms. And there were so so many unresolved feelings. The internet has been wonderful. I've found so many supportive friends and groups online. It helps, in little bits at a time, it totally helps.

I'm speculating, that if I left Ada, my current T, now I would need some Thing to stay connected with her. A picture, the letters, a note, a card... I'm a very tangible person. Maybe your T has a book you could borrow? So that you're sure to return to give it back to her?

I hope you will stay connected to babble. I am eager to hear how things go for you ok?


ps: sorry this response was sooo long winded. It's a nasty habit. I just really wanted to connect with you and tell you that you're not alone, not forgotten, and if you can't find yourself again, send me a babblemail and I will try to find you. (((((brokenpuppet)))))


Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger! Verloren

Posted by brokenpuppet on June 29, 2010, at 18:26:31

In reply to Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger! brokenpuppet, posted by Verloren on June 28, 2010, at 15:27:15

hi verloren,

thank you so much for your kind words! i was hoping to write to you when in a better place so i can really tell you how much it meant to me - especially the last paragraph, about not being forgotten. thank you!

i'm still in hiding / in denial, i will just need more time to process i think. (if my message sounds a little flat, that's why)

i am glad to hear of your 'little me' too and i'm sorry your ex-T was evil but i like how you call her 'evil' ;)

all your suggestions were helpful, if not for now, for the future. my T said she will give me her email and that I can email her if I need to. (although I'm still struggling with that idea, still it is good the know the offer is there). at our last session we talked about some of the issues i still want to address when i come back, that was a relief, i felt like i have a legitimate reason to come back rather than just not coping very well without her.

i will definitely stay on babble, i am blown away by how nice everyone is to everyone else.

and like you said to me - don't apologise - i liked your long message, liked hearing about you too and thank you for taking the time to 'connect' with me!


Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!

Posted by brokenpuppet on June 29, 2010, at 18:34:20

In reply to Re: last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger! brokenpuppet, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2010, at 9:38:16

thank you, dinah, it really helps when someone else understands!
you might be right about the 'shock', maybe that's why i'm unable to feel this incredible sadness i know is inside of me. and hopefully after that i can get some peace too.
i liked how you explained about feeling / not feeling and that there's always a reason for it.

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