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last session! (freaking out)- sorry may trigger!

Posted by brokenpuppet on June 27, 2010, at 3:01:23

i'm crawling out from under a mountain of feelings i've been trying to feel and trying to avoid at the same time. i feel still with dread, but a stillness that masks the explosion waiting within me. once in a while a sickly whine escapes and when i catch my reflection in the mirror (or reflected in a soft toy starring accusingly and heart-brokenly at me) i cringe and just want to run away and take no responsibility.

yes, it was my decision to terminate, to go on my own, to go overseas and fulfill 'normal' dreams. JC (my soft toy bunny) doesn't understand. nor does the little me who for the first time started to get an idea what it would have felt like to have a mother, to have a mother who actually ... hard to even say the words.

i thought i had made peace with her, i told her we were going together, i wasn't leaving her behind, i was going to look after her. hard because me the parent is still as useless as my own parents were - not all the time though, i am a work in progress...

what i'm struggling with is the feelings. feelings of dark dark places. crawling with cockroaches. so alone i can't even find myself. forgotten. waiting. waiting with the most patient desperation. the fear is calm and aloof. maybe if i get to the pain and sadness i will be ok. it seems to elude me now. (sorry for the self-indulgent self pity or whatever it is. hope you don't find it depressing - or even worse, repulsive?)

i know i'll get better, just in a bad place right now. have to really feel the feelings, rather than just pretend and look at them from above.

i started writing this post with the intention to ask others how they have dealt with termination / the last session. mine is on wednesday next week. it's been a long time coming with lots of postponing but now it is final, it is the final one. i will probably see her again in 8-9 months, or if things go really badly earlier.

any thoughts or advice appreciated and sorry for the 'bad place' where this is coming from.




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