![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 362 to 386 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:19:03
In reply to Re: law, posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 2:33:34
i really am unbelievably happy over that grade. i pulled on my shoes and went for a big walk around the city around mid-night. i gave some thought to forgetting about medicine and going for law. some serious thought. i realised that i'm really very disappointed in how i've done in my science classes this year. going into the year... i told myself i'd be happy with A-'s. but that was me trying to convince myself, really. trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be the end of the world if i didn't get A+'s or A's. i thought that A-'s would be realistic... and would set me up well for the following year. i am very disappointed, indeed, to have come out the end with B's for science.
i think i really did start to worry that i might not be able to get A's even in philosophy papers here. maybe i only got A's before because I didn't go to a particularly competitive university... so the law grade... feels like a huge f*ck*ng relief to me. i know that the majority of the serious contenders for law school did the paper in the first semester, so i was mostly going up against people with odd program structures... and lots of international students with sketchy english... but still... i wouldn't expect that i would necessarily come out with an A+ for the other law paper... but i'm not going to let anything take anything away from how happy i feel about that grade right now. i didn't realise just how much i really needed it.
am ticking away on biology... there is a crap load of content to be learned from each lecture if you really get into the spirit of learning ALL of it. as in... reproducing tables from scratch. of course we wont' be asked to reproduce them from scratch... we'll be given parts and we need to fill in the rest. or whatever... but seems to me that reproducing them from scratch is the safest way of being able to reproduce part of them when you don't know which part you will be asked to reproduce in advance. it is material that will be consolidated through the year... e.g., learning the 11 organ systems (in order? otherwise you forget one and can't figure which one you forgot!) a certain number of organ components and a list of major functions... but it is tested week 6 so... and the 6 levels of structural organisation and the 4 tissue types and the 3 embryonic layers. and that is lecture 1.
but that is fun. and then i think... if only i found chemistry 1/2 as fun such that i spent 1/2 as much time working chemistry problems... or even reading the textbook / listening to lecture material... because SOMETHING would soak in with the later even if it isn't exactly the most efficient way of doing well in it.
and then i think... that i really don't enjoy doing equations. 2 websites now... assessing my math at the 8th grade level. there are some skill sets there that i haven't mastered. i think i probably could learn maths and / or physics if i stuck with it over the years... but i also think... i don't enjoy it that much. i am so very grateful that i got the opportunity to learn it. to have done the classes i've done this year. to have gotten a taster. to have been (so nicely!) asked to write a paragraph on hydrogen bonding and state changes for part of the thermodynamics section of the exam... but i can't calculate anything. SYNTAX ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE.
I like organic because there is no other way to feel about organic. i am scared... the second half of organic seems to be kinetics and acids-bases and spectroscopy... i'm concerned that the second half is going to be equation focused... that it might get me... like i got got for general...
__
so... after meeting that guy... i posted that i had a great time learning psychology because i had a good group of really motivated people to study with. i said i'd be interested to meet with people (BEFORE things get crazy) to see... and i got an email from a grad who might get offered a place in which case they will make her do first year next year. i could well get more bites like that once offers come out. which would be... wonderful, really.
i'm not sure how much people study together vs apart for the first year. i noticed a few people expressing surprise that it was good to study with others for second year... i guess it depends on the group... and on how you work together... i'm not sure that it would be helpful for chemistry... i don't know. i found it great for psychology... explaining things (they can correct misunderstandings) and asking questions... learning what you don't know... a smart and motivated group... and of course supportive, too. people who you can relax around.
and of course focusing on study is appropriately structured for me... and it is pleasant enough to meet with someone and have coffee... even that guy... i did enjoy meeting him, a great deal. he is an interesting guy... he reminded me a lot of me at this time last year... i wonder what will become of him...
life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:34:46
In reply to Re: law, posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:19:03
> reproducing tables from scratch. of course we wont' be asked to reproduce them from scratch... we'll be given parts and we need to fill in the rest. or whatever... but seems to me that reproducing them from scratch is the safest way of being able to reproduce part of them when you don't know which part you will be asked to reproduce in advance.
except, of course, a more efficient way of doing it would be to cover up all but one part of the table and use that to cue the other columns or row... uh... vertical... that would be columns...
:-/
i keep tossing and turning over summer school... should i, shouldn't i? will i, won't i?
i could do stats... should i do stats? will stats help me? will it help me with epidemiology? with numbers a bit more generally?
my grade won't matter except to my ego...
i could just gate crash... but the supplimentary stuff is important... access to problems... tutorials... etc etc...
i don't know.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:47:19
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 18:20:34
i do see where i lost marks for biology... they were MEAN. but some kids really care and so you want to reward those kids...
that is why i'm seriously trying to learn tables from scratch ffs...
lesson learned...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2014, at 17:04:13
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:47:19
i actually did do quite a bit better at the neuroscience section compared to comparative physiology, in particular. i really was having a meltdown about it all...
i think it is because of how i couldn't really read / write once i quit smoking... so... starting out at tech, because i thought it would be easier content and it might ease me back into things... and then doing really well in some of it... but then not knowing how that performance would translate across to university... then my experience at the university over the bridge... and then here... thank you law for restoring my confidence. i really was afraid that i had completely lost my mental ability... and for me... it is the most important thing in my world. my whole identity... self image... i've always clung to how everything will be okay because my grades are good... i can do pretty much anything because of that... to have lost that...
they only open up one lab time at a time... so, my lab time will be mostly full of people who promptly accepted first round offers and who promptly enrolled in their labs. i have heard people say that you want a crap group so you stand out... but since the average mark for labs is around 13/15 i'll be absolutely stoked if i can get through the year blending in completely unobtrusively. i'm not sure i can pull it off... but i'll surely do my best.
i'm really happy to have learned that nursing is so competitive here... that makes me feel a lot better about the kids who want to do it. i mean... the kids who want to do it actually, rather than the kids who think they can just cruise into it... all the people in the labs will be intending to transition to something clinical in subsequent years... so... bit mean of them to make nurses do organic chemistry, heh. still, if they don't do well at it, they can always do nursing at tech...
i am a bit worried that that guy might try and latch onto me next year... especially if i don't have a herd that makes it too intimidating for him to approach me etc. that is the point of a herd... in very large part...
i think i will need to try and find a herd, yeah...
the issue is...
in law... there were two girls. girl A and girl B, lets call them. girl A was really loud and... kind of obnoxious. kinda dumb. kinda proclaiming loudly that she hadn't done her readings and yakkity yak yak about other stuff... he said that she said that they did... people steered clear of the both of them because they couldn't tolerate girl A. i talked to them on a couple occasions and girl B was actually really nice. focused. sweet. but girl A would keep interrupting and talking over...
girl A was clearly there as part of a targeted admissions scheme. whereas girl B would probably have been there regardless. it wasn't helping anyone to have girl A there. not even her. she dropped out near the end. she started out by being late... making a big performance of walking into class half way through... then eventually stopped coming at all.
I managed to talk to girl B a couple times after that... and she was completely burned out. she didn't have friends at that point...
It is... I think a lot of people would say that it is part of Maaori culture to be helpful etc. you can't not help. I think that it is something to do with that that the help offered... often times gets to be more 'help' (borderline abuse) than anything else. if it is part of the culture to not eat without offering to everyone... and you are surrounded by people who will decide never to eat in front of you... then the most authentic (instead of rushing off when nobody is looking and buying takeaways) will eventually... start cooking up pots full of crap because they won't get enough to eat otherwise... the only way to protect yourself against other people abusing you / exploiting you is to make sure there isn't anything to abuse / exploit. I think this is more about... History of subjugation and abuse... That somehow things have got a bit confused about the hospitality thing... That reciprocity has gone out the window... That there haven't been strong and fair leaders to ensure that people aren't taken advantage of...
Anyway...
Girl A... Should have never been allowed to be there. Isn't doing her or her culture any favors at all to have her there. If girl B doesn't make it into law school... I think it will in large part be because of her feeling obliged to look after girl A. From her perspective... If everyone else in the class had have helped a little... You know... pretended to be interested for a while so she could have slipped away... Then the load would have been lightened.
But the thing is... Everyone is stuggling to stay afloat... You can't start cliniging to the people drowning around you... They can simply get out of the pool. Go to tech or whatever. Go do something else.
I told that guy that he needed another year to prepare. That's the best help I could give him. I did try and study with him... To see if I could study with him. And I found him... Dull witted and uninterested. And things haven't even started to get overwhelming yet. If he thinks embryology is boring and he hates it before he's even started... I need him the hell away from me for when times get tough.
I suppose it is a bit harsh... But I can't afford to get dragged down by people sinking. They won't die... THey just need to get out of the pool. They are just testing the waters, anyway. They just wanna play in the grown up pool because it is the grown up pool... They don't know what it is like to delight in stretching ones legs...
I will find friends next year... I feel... Pretty good. Pretty centered. About... Getting to know people a bit and assessing things... I mean... Finally my default grump has lifted. I think that is it. I feel more favorably disposed. Calmer. Back to some kind of 'usual self' or something... Perhaps my faith in my ability to study well has been restored. So... I'm in a better position to feel confident in my ability to see who I can productively work with...
I'm... Going to invest a bit in having a nice christmas. I'm going to get good flights... So I can visit my friends for 4 days or 5 days or something like that... Leave before we get sick of each other... Friends from Italy are back, as well... So... Will be like a couple of christmas's that i've had with all of them... it will be pleasant and relaxed... and a bit of a break / holiday for me. i think it will be worth it... i can't remember the last time i've felt that i've had a couple days away...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 16:23:45
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2014, at 17:04:13
so... i talked to my friends on Skype and... I think that is enough, really. flights really are expensive since i've left it fairly late to be able to get them. i think about what other things i could spend that money on...
the visit with my mother did not go well... it didn't go horribly... but it did not go well. i didn't get good sleep... the person next to me on the bus kept nodding off with their head on my shoulder which i didn't like much. the person in front put their seat back... the person next to them kind of perched at the front of theirs and turned themself to talk to the person beside them... which made me feel like they were staring at me the whole trip through the crack in the seats.
you know how i go on and on and on on these boards? well... you should meet my mother. even when i phone... she thinks she has to tell me everything she's been up to / everything she knows and then i have to tell her everything i've been up to / everything i know... otherwise there isn't any point to the interaction, you see? so she will go on and on telling me every little detail about things that don't interest me at all. like i know... how i do on these boards. only... i am fairly sure that my doing that on these boards... means i don't do that with people irl. only my mother... her mission in life seems to be to trick me! because once she's tricked me and got me talking about something... then she's victorious! because now i have to shut my yap while she tells me the life history of every single person she's met up her f*ck*ng street, or whatever.
so... to start with i was flat. which means she leans forward and gets more animated with her hands. which means i get flatter / die that little bit more inside. because now i'm aware that people around me are staring at this crazy lady which has actually gotten up out of her seat and actually crouched down before me gesturing wildly with her hands.
and i said... i need you to move back and stop with the hands already. and i have to say it a couple times... because... people just talk to talk, right? nobody actually means anything that they say. and then she moves back. and i'm like 'you really can't tell when i need for you to calm down and back off - can you?'
and she can't. she needs me to match her state of hyper. and for me to take great delight in the minute details of her life... sh*t that nobody actually cares about but you put up with in your three year old since they've just started using their words...
and i realise that one of my wellington friends is quite a lot like that as well... starting to bang about in the mornings because it is time for everyone to get up and tell her their plans for the day so she can get in what she wants about people doing this and that and the next thing. and so you ignore the banging... as best you can... since she does need to go to work eventually... after a while i told her... i don't know what i'm doing when i first wake up in the morning. i am not one of these people that bounds out of bed at first crack with plans forming... i can't function without coffee... so then she started with 'coffee is up!' so then you have to get up... and after a couple sips the inevitable...
people, eh.
money is power. to keep people at the distance you like. it isn't a magic bullet, i understand that. but it helps really rather a lot. when you need to depend / rely then you have considerably less power. my friends are generous of spirit in many ways... but they are also super controlling in many others. they could not leave me alone when i needed them to. and they could not see that what i most needed was solitude. they couldn't help me with what i needed... when it conflicted with their... preference. yes. i really do think it is a matter of that.
so mother won't join a bowls club or something because she said that she prefers one on one interaction rather than something like that when you don't get to talk to anyone. intense one on one or nothing at all. i guess that is why she finds people so exhausting. you really can't relax around her. you really can't focus on anything other than her.
i had a friend once who was pretty great... but i couldn't walk around gardens or view art with him. he would start up a constant stream 'wow look at this, look at that, look at the next thing!'. 'this good! this bad!' it was like he didn't have a sense that all that stuff was going on inside me, too, for different things. that i was having different interactions. that my interest in walking around wasn't an interest in me focusing on his reactions 'really? what do you like about that?' and so on... that i needed him to back the f*ck off and let me have an experience too.
i think... most people really are like the above... these are probably extreme cases... but i've found myself surrounded by this kind of thing... all my life. and i have experienced other ways of interacting / being. and those other ways are much more peaceful. relaxing. pleasant. but not many of them... and that other thing is not the norm for me at all.
and you don't have to look any further than my mother to see why i have an intense startle response to the human face. and why i don't find people to be particularly relaxing at all. the way i naturally respond when i need people to calm down / step away from me is to lower my head and withdraw into myself. curl up all foetal inside if nothing else. curl up and die, it feels like to me... immense depression... and the significant majority of people do not interpret this as BACK THE F*CK OFF they interpret it as VULNERABLE TARGET FOR ME TO ABSORB or some weird vampiric / possessive sh*t. helpful helpful oh so helpful victims are targets for sure...
i would think there is something wrong with me... but there are people like me. and now... around uni... i think it is fair to say that most people DO get the back off signals. and as soon as i see someone respond appropriately to that... i know i can relax around them. because they aren't like those other people... so needy in their clinging... these people have ideas... things like that...
i don't know that this makes much sense...
only one more year of first year. sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 17:59:39
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 16:23:45
it is this startle knee-jerk reactivity. the idea that you just go around expressing it. that that is what other people are... things that you express yourself at. in this knee-jerk reactive way.
how about when you are alone? one option is to smile gregariously / express yourself at every single person you meet along the way. i think it is called 'being friendly'.
and some people like it, i guess. i thought... one of my friends... i didn't understand why he tended to have female companions who were like that... and i realised... he liked it. he liked the dramas. he liked the intensity of feeling. they made him feel alive, somehow... but not me... i'm not like that.
perhaps it is about complexity. if you hate something or you love something those can be intense responses, for sure. reflect some more... what particular aspects? what about those particular aspects? what about other aspects of those aspects? or whatever... complexity.
but you need time and space to work through complexity. and / or access to others who have more complex thoughts... encourage you to think in more complex ways... if your mother didn't help you when you were three... maybe some other stranger can be persuaded... people... don't manage how to do it for themself... or... you need to play oh so f*ck*ng uncomplex indeed so they get to feel helpful...
i think that is why my mother likes to get me wound up. if i'm sleep deprived enough... if i'm stressed enough... i'll f*ck*ng lose it for a bit. and then... finally... she is calmer / helpful to me.
helpful. oh so helpful.
i told her i can only do small doses. she is on and on and on about how she wants me to come for longer. arrive earlier. leave later. stay the night. i'm like 'the only reason we have a good interaction is because it is so time limited.' but she will keep on and on and on and on... testing. pushing. continually.
fine.
but don't be surprised if i don't spend very much time with you.
i feel... so many things. humiliated. partly at / with her. going on in a loud f*ck*ng voice about how luxurious the new public bathrooms are. seeing people startle a bit to that. wondering what kind of slum this lady must live in. embarrassed... when have i ever seen her feel / express embarrassment? humiliation? shame? i don't think i've ever seen her express these things... she simply doesn't seem to have that response. she won't back off. like those psychopaths who won't stop hitting something after it's shown signs of submission... she won't stop with doing anything that results in others feeling embarrassed or ashamed or whatever for her / on her behalf. she simply won't... she'll keep on... like... she does sense that there is something there... something... something that she can work with... to intensify... to magnify... to work something up into a violent f*ck*ng rage... that seems to be it. then victory! she gets to be the victim. supplication to her... she has the power...
how can people bear people?
i simply can't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 18:15:39
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 17:59:39
i guess the idea is that people have good days and people have bad days. people have their strengths and people have their weaknesses.
my friends... there are things that we do enjoy doing together. or... it wouldn't be worth my spending time with them at all. for sure.
what do i enjoy about my mothers company?
i really do need to keep interaction very minimal indeed. basically... to the point where she is on her 'best behaviour' (her terms, actually) where she knows full well that i simply won't interact with her again for MONTHS if she tries to wind me up / does not back off when i indicate that that is what i need.
i need to not stay with my wellington friends. not for more than 2 or 3 days. and to basically do whatever one or the other of them wants to do for the whole time there. things went swimmingly when i stayed with them and i did just that. applied for jobs for one of them... talked philosophy stuff with the other of them... was there on demand for both of them... had all our meals together and lived in each others pockets...
(and what did i want?)
i am happy here. doing what i'm doing... which they don't approve of much. of course.
really great friend who was obnoxious in art galleries and at gardens. i think there is some objective - subjective thing that people struggle with... i used to... i did enough philosophy to think that i have resolved things to my satisfaction...
i think... that is what philosophy did for me. there was a bunch of stuff that i wanted / needed to know. psychology, too. all that psychopathology stuff. well... now i know. to my satisfaction.
i was productive until my mid-term got slammed. then i... couldn't really give my advisor anything anymore. then it got to the point i couldn't write anything anymore either. he didn't care about stuff i cared about and i didn't care about stuff he cared about and... people say you have supervisors who you work well with on the one hand and great institutions on the other. finding a good fit of both can be hard... i thought i'd be alright because i thought i was passionate and self motivated etc. i didn't properly appreciate just how supportive my previous supervisors etc had been. how important that really was to me. and the one i moved to... is notoriously hard to work with at the best of times.
so... my career got thrown away. i guess i could try... could try and make things work with the guy i worked well with before... but he's moved up in the world and even though he does remember me... i feel... embarrassed... and like a failure for having failed... and i don't really have much self confidence to even ask him... and i don't know what i want anymore... and given that i haven't been working on philosophy... i will do my best next year at this. see how my grades work out. reassess things. anyway... he came here for a dinner... things were a bit unclear... he said 'i didn't know'... about my being a consumer... about my being genuinely interested in his stuff and not pretending for a bit (as people seem to be able to pull of much better than me)... i don't know. but i do know... if i do want it... i need to really want it and i'll probably have to do something to persuade him of that. new writing samples or something. some investment of time / work. i... don't know that i have it in me. not right now, i don't. maybe in a couple years...
sometimes i look at my life... my mother... and i can't believe how far i've come... i'm feeling old. i'm starting to get baggy eyes in the morning. puffy. i'm feeling old... what will become of me? 4 hours walking and my feet were wrecked... i worked hard on soft tissue stuff for hospitality... never did more than 4 or 5 hour shift and my feet were almost crippled... do i really think i have it in my physically to run around a hospital all day / stand for hours for operations? what will become of me?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 21:09:33
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2014, at 17:04:13
so, someone managed to bend the women's eleiko bar. only way you do that is by leaving it on the squat stands for a period of time fully loaded... and i know the bars get unloaded overnight, at least, so that wouldn't have happened. or... loading it up with weights and resting it on the pins... pulling it... and then letting it slam down on the pins. so some idiot decided to be a one inch wonder with the women's eleiko bar. because when the bar is 5kg lighter than the other bars you get to put another 5kg on the end of it.
eleiko bars come with a lifetime guarantee against bending. but i think there may be some clause in there about proper use. and it is a precision f*ck*ng bar for precision f*ck*ng lifting. it wasn't designed to be slammed about the pins in the f*ck*ng squat rack. so...
and even then... how much does shipping a 15kg barbell to and fro sweden cost, do ya reckon? i don't know how the hell they managed to get one in the first place... honestly... probably some relic from commonwealth games past... in other words... it isn't at all likely that they will replace it. if anything... they'll spend $200 on a crap 15kg 'junior bar' or some sh*t and it will bend even if it only was used properly within 6 months.
people f*ck me off. they really, really do.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:06:20
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 21:09:33
god damn. so now it turns out that they want to see me enough to want to book me tickets... and if they don't care about the flight times... they will need to drive me to and fro the airport, at least...
and we will see... i think they need me about as much as i need them... and we will see...
i don't like the 'happy puppy' jostling... but for such a short period of time, i can play to their schedule...
i've been looking more at law... and if i don't do as well as i hope to in semester one i can take law for semester two... and on that basis... apply to law school...
i know law is variable... you have people working without pay for a cause... something in family law... or environmental law... or whatever...
i know that you have to establish your ability to get people off on technicalities... for the government to decide that they are better off having you work for them...
i know that many people kill themselves... having successfully defended this or that against incompetent goverment opposition...
can i do law? i don't know...
there is an awful lot to be said for medicine...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:40:51
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:06:20
and so...
when i was going out with this guy... and i was visiting him... and we were going for this holiday... and he was suggesting places i was suggesting places... and we went with what he said (of course, since he was paying) and it was sh*t (which i didn't feel like i could say, since he was paying...)
(only he was testing me, because he was paying -- but i could have paid for myself -- right? because otherwise i surely wouldn't notice -- right?)
uh huh.
people suck.
for sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:43:24
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:40:51
because there is this hierarchy thing that people do / have. which isn't based on anything like... people's actual ability to discriminate / tell. i mean... i don't drink tea much. i couldn't tell expensive tea from cheap tea. maybe... if someone decided to educate me on tea... well... i'm a fairly quick learner... which might ruin me for cheap tea...
and there is a bunch of stuff like that...
but sure... have no money = can't tell. right? i mean... that's the way the world works. for. sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:50:18
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:43:24
and so, there is this jostly thing that people do. and if you are a girl, especially, then either there are guys there in the background somewhere looking out for you (who will thump us if we try it on) or else... you are there for our taking. of course.
because people have developed... so much further than animals. for sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 17:55:13
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:50:18
I got my physics exam back... I can do calculations! some of them... sometimes...
I got full marks for some of the questions... My calculations went well!
And I messed up quite a lot of conceptual stuff that I shouldn't have. About opposite charges attracting rather than repelling (and I surely know that so I don't know quite what went wrong). And I totally messed up the optics diagrams (and questions based on them) even though I thought I got that stuff pretty good.
Huh.
So very alien for me... Not to be able to tell what I've done good / not so good at...
Weird subject.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2014, at 15:19:48
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 17:55:13
feeling pretty crap after seeing mother, still.
i have felt so very bad for so very much of my life... that i really feel that i hate her. and i feel just awful about that. i mean... what kind of horrible horrible ungrateful person hates their own mother?
of course people who might be inclined to say that... haven't met mine. didn't have my mother for all those years...
so what is it that is so very awfully bad that my mother did to me? did she beat me so i needed to go to the ER? did she physically hurt me in ways that didn't show after masses of research?
no.
so what did she do that was so very very very very bad that justifies someone hating their mother?
i just... always have. ever since i could remember. all i ever wanted from her was for her to back off and calm down. back off. stop upsetting me. stop startling me. stop trying to wind me up. just piss off.
i hardly ever asked her for anything. anything i did ask of her i had to ask over and over and over and over and over. she would completely ignore me. i know that she heard it... she could repeat back to me what i just said... but she would simply ignore it.
shame... embarrassment... humiliation...
i guess those were the intense emotions that she could get out of me. except for all the screaming inside that i did curled up in my little ball.
if i had have never had her for my mother i think i would feel a lot more empathy for her. for her inabilities to relate to people.
it does me no good at all to try and interact with her now... i just can't deal.
i'm best to look forward to being the best person i can be. but yeah, i'm seriously deficient in so many ways... whatever. does no good to reflect on it... look forward... look up...
i am glad i made the decision never to inflict myself on another human being, so.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 11, 2014, at 17:37:58
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2014, at 15:19:48
I am pretty ineffective right now,having spent 5 days with my mother. She watched me cry hysterically. Just watched it.
Yes, hate is possible without physical child abuse having been experienced.
Posted by Twinleaf on December 11, 2014, at 18:22:12
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by ClearSkies on December 11, 2014, at 17:37:58
Both of these mothers sound severely narcissistic. They will never change. But YOU are both growing and changing - maybe consider "no contact" as is recommended in dealing with NPD?
Posted by ClearSkies on December 12, 2014, at 13:38:30
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar » ClearSkies, posted by Twinleaf on December 11, 2014, at 18:22:12
Yes, I see her very seldom. She wanted one last trip to Florida (she is 80).
I live in Spokane.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 15:48:53
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar » Twinleaf, posted by ClearSkies on December 12, 2014, at 13:38:30
thanks, guys.
i'm feeling pretty dejected about my prospects for doing medicine. i think part of what people have been trying to say to me... is that it is a lot of a lottery. and the odds really are stacked so very highly for the private school kids.
and as an attempt to solve the problem of them all taking off overseas for higher pay and better working conditions... around 1/3 of the places are set aside for Maaori and Pacific Island applicants (i'm not eligable for those)... which only makes the other part of that lottery even more competitive.
once they've given those places to the doctors kids... and the politicians kids... and the lawyers kids and the engineers kids... and the managers kids... well, i mean, c'mon, how many places were there, again?
it is stacked by years and years and years of training, to be sure. and you tell the kids that the UMAT or the GRE or whatever... that those tests are tests of innate ability / genetic superiority rather than learning. and you especially make sure that the private school kids have access to those kinds of problems and teachers that make doing them fun (or at least not a bully-able offense) while the public school kids... do not.
i have more of a chance of law... which i'm sure is a similar scenario... because of my years of tertiary learning... that means i can talk about tragedy of commons and ideal rationality and the idea of progress in law / rationality / science / mathematics... about trade-offs between the rights of different populations... about balance of power... and none of that seems strictly fair... that i have had exposure and a fair bit of holding your hand walking you through the content of that kind of stuff... but i have. and that... gives me the edge.
anyway... i'm feeling pretty demoralised with the UMAT... the little pattern recognition puzzles. next in sequence. or fill in the missing pattern. or arrange them in order and identify the middle. fairly standard maths puzzles that the maths teacher gives out as fun extension homework - right? mmm hmm. fairly natural extension of numerical sequence patters - right? only put shapes / colors / moving bits in... then you can call it 'not maths' and 'not learned'. but of course they are governed by maths rules. +1 ,+2, +3 or whatever... the same maths rules that governed the numerical sequences that some kids have had many years exposure to. i mean... i was doing numerical sequence patterns from that website... since about year 4...
anyway... i don't know that i can do well enough on the lottery. on any aspect of it. i don't know that i can get the grades i need. i don't know that i can get the UMAT score i need. i expect i can do okay on the interview... but i got a definate 'no' out of my last one so... and the UMAT... people are saying that the test is crazy hard. in the sense that to get in the very top-most percentile is not at all getting 100% of the test. that you get a hell of a lot less than that... it... is designed to overload you.
i'm not entirely sure what it is about... they were looking at introducing a lottery at some point but people objected. nobody wants to think that there is a lottery component. i... don't think i can do well in the stacked lottery. and perhaps more importantly... i find it easier to do and remain motivated doing something that i feel relatively confident in my ability. i don't feel confident in my ability to do physics... or chemistry problems, really... or maths for epidemiology. or any of the UMAT. i've realised what is odd about the person skills part of the UMAT... people in my life don't act like that. people on TV surely don't act like that. medical doctors i know don't act like that. academics don't act like that. homeless people don't act like that. psychotherapists don't act like that. who the f*ck acts like that? that is what they consider ideal rationality / emotionality / empathy to be? According to ACER? WTF?
?
?
anyway... i'm sure it is years of innate ability...
i have these faint memories of these reading comprehension test cards... there were various boxes of them... a reading extract and multiple choice questions. they went up by colors... and you were supposed to stick to the section where you got around 95% of them right, or something. and practice. and hopefully learn to move up. those... i remember those... i remember i got to sit in the room and do those... that i worked my way through them... that i found them fun. i made it to the end. ta da. reading age of 16 (as high as they go, apparently). when i was 7. then what? public school... couldn't have started preparing me for UMAT, huh. that wouldn't have been fair. where the f*ck were the maths puzzles?????
anyway... law it might have to be. i suppose there can be variety there, too. meeting with clients. days in court. not just reading and writing reading and writing. and if all goes well and i get to be really very good i could maybe be a judges lawyer rather than a juries lawyer... or something... i don't quite know.
it is very common for people from law school here to move into politics. i guess that is common everywhere... i suppose the division of power is a lot less divided than we suppose. that lines are blurry... i don't know. i don't know what to say.
i feel... grieving already. i haven't given up. but i don't see a way. i feel very angry that people from the uni whose job it was to help people who were disadvantaged keep on about how i need to stick to my strengths that i'm lucky i have strengths whatever whatever whatever.
i guess... the only reason you do philosophy is because you love it / feel passionately about it. that is the only reason to do it. other things.. people do science and law and engineering and whatever whatever whatever... medicine... not because they feel passionately about the subject matter... but because people encouraged them to try for that particular lottery. it's a job ffs. just do what you can do with minimum fuss / effort. free up your free time. that is the point to life - right? i mean... what the f*ck is wrong with me that i don't get that / just simply do that. i mean... what is my problem?
anyway... on the one hand... no good, if the stress of this is getting to me already. on the other hand... it is that crazy time of year, again. i don't quite know what to do about summer school... i think i should do physics. grade only matters to my ego. but my ego... my performance is crucially dependent on that. my motivation, too. whether you work hard and learn more or whether you collapse into a little crumpled heap and can't bear to face it. wehter you enjoy it. wehther you don't. all depend... on whether i feel good / competent in what i'm doing. like playing cards... you aren't responsible for the hand you are dealt. you aren't responsible for winning or losing. but you are responsible for having done the best you could / following appropriate procedure or whatever for the hand you got... you have to have confidence in your best... your ability to follow the procedure, or whatever. whatever. rambling... sorry... maybe i should do summer school... i'm not finding the motivation to stick with my own work over the summer...
work. that is what is so demoralising about it all. i wanted to learn anatomy / physiology. and i am able to see that learning about things like rates of reaction and pistons and so on are somewhat relevant. are worth learning. but that stuff is hard for me. and i don't entirely know how to learn it. if that makes sense. at least teh physics people are good abotu extra help... maybe i should do it. i'm not as motivated as i thought i would be to learn chemistry etc over teh summer... maybe i really should do physics...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 17:32:07
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 15:48:53
well... the outline is up for physics already... we don't do ideal gases or thermodynamics. no pistons. but what we do do... looks overwhelming already, to be honest. the amount of content that is covered in each lecture...
and perhaps part of my problem... is that it is about pattern recognition, really. they want you to do the work... which means... working through the problem sets / answers. and the exam questions will be (maybe slight variations e.g., with different numerical values) on exactly those questions.
and the trouble is... i get lost in trying to UNDERSTAND.
and with chemistry... they lecture and tell you x and y and z. and then they give you a problem. and you CAN'T GET THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THE PROBLEM FROM UNDERSTANDING x and y and z. they don't expect you to be able to do the problem on your own. when they work through the solution to the problem they are giving you NEW instruction. it isn't a case of simple application.
and that is what gets me. and upsets me. and demotivates and demoralises me. questions that don't test my understanding. questions that are platforms for new instruction. i thought the questions were test questions. like... comprehension questions. and when i can't get the questions along the way correct... it upsets me. because i think it shows me that I haven't followed along at all. So then I want to go back through the content so I can get it better and understand how the content should have enabled me to answer that question... Only it couldn't.
All that matters is the worked problems. And the pattern recognition in play there. To be able to work the problem yourself. Perhaps with different numerical values. Or whatever. I CAN do those... But half the battle... Most of the battle... Is in comprehending what it is that they want from me / what the game is in the first place.
Like first year logic... Where the problem students are the mature students who mess things up because they add 6 more steps than they needed to because they were convinced IT COULD NOT BE THAT SIMPLE! sort of...
Dammit. I'll stay enrolled... Have 1 week to withdraw.. See how I feel after that first week.
Of course I will most probably do it. Because doing it... Will motivate me to do ANYTHING BUT THAT. Which of course includes studying UMAT puzzles and chemistry... Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 18:13:05
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 17:32:07
https://os.lsac.org/Release/Shop/Publications.aspx
ffs.
no. i don't have to do it :-p
i'm seeing if i can do the other law paper second semester next year... in which case i can apply for entry to 2nd year law (competitive entry) at the end of next year in case medicine doesn't work out for me...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2014, at 18:35:19
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 18:13:05
we had a conceptual physics textbook for the physics class i just did. the focus was on the concepts rather than equations. in our assignments / exams we did have conceptual questions... but we also had equations. and i struggled with both, to be fair.
i got to looking at the 'proper' physics textbooks. they are wonderful! so very much better! perhaps i needed the conceptual physics as a platform... but these other textbooks have short descriptions... describing the equations, basically. then present a problem where the solution is going to involve using the equation. then presenting a strategy which involves a description of a line of reasoning for solving the problem. then their worked solution. then a discussion about the working...
and the discussion is explicit about the algebraic substitutions that they used in their solution (the absence of which makes it very f*ck*ng hard for me to follow the worked solution). to the extent that i can actually follow (with a lot of effort). rather than going off about derivations (which is too complicated for me since they themselves involve substitutions which prevent my following the derivation) and confusing the hell out of me.
a wonderful textbook is a wonderful thing!
that textbook is the textbook for biological physics. then i took a look at the textbook for the summer school paper and it is so very similar! i actually have a hope in learning from them!
maybe it is just where i am at now that i have done some... i still do have some trouble with scientific notation and unit conversions... but the textbook explained it in a way i've never seen with setting up the scientific notation as a dimensional analysis / unit conversion... anyway... it is seeming a lot clearer to me. i do need to practice... but it is a beautiful thing when what was so very murky... when clarity begins to emerge. a wonderful feeling, indeed.
the summer school course is a bit compressed, i think. mechanics, electricity, wave motion, optics. no gases! no thermodynamics! it does say something about deriving a wave equation using 'simple calculus'... but that is the only mention of calculus...
i am looking forward to it :)
chemistry, too. back on track. i love my model kit. i made seroquel (just - used up ALL my carbon!) i don't quite have enough to have a model of each of the functional groups that we need to know (all set up at the same time)... but fortunately i will have another model kit arrive early next week :)
physics IS helpful for exposure / practice with equations / algebra / graphical relationships etc. I think I will have a MUCH easier time of kinetics etc that we do for chemistry after doing more physics... and i'll go bonkers if i don't have something scheduled... summer school will be fun, yeah.
i haven't given up on medicine. or on science. it is helping to motivate me knowing that law is a viable option for me... it helps me feel competent and like working on something is worthwhile. it helps me feel... secure. it is important to me to do well at what i do, yeah. i think i could be good at physics / chemistry... it is just really hard to stay curious and motivated and enjoying things that so many others ridicule... and it is also really hard to find instruction at the right level...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 15:31:59
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2014, at 18:35:19
I suppose Christmas was... Normal. What more normal family Christmases are like. The day was pleasant. The company mostly good. It was a lot harder staying with people... Mostly one of them... She is super-friendly and super-energetic and she triggers something in me where I feel fairly harassed... Unless I'm super-fresh and well rested I feel that I lose myself in her and that she simply will not leave me alone. Gets me longing for a seclusion cell...
Anyway... It wasn't for terribly long. And so, things were mostly okay.
And it was nice to have the people contact. They seem to like me okay, which helps me feel like less of a freak. I can ask them whether my hair looks alright at the back (since I've been trimming it myself for a while now) and so on... And I feel like I fit with them, somehow. They live in a wealthy white suburb that is kinda hippy / cool. People have street parties and the community centre is a big deal. Etc. Lots of artists etc. Used to be more about students but too expensive for that now. Organic this and home brewed that. But pleasant, yeah. And I suppose I did start to relax.
Someone I know was in hospital down in Wellington. He's a kid. 15. Fell (maybe hit a little bit) off a skateboard. Hooning down a hill. Was in the head injury / surgical observation unit for over a week... Dark quiet room. When I first went up on Christmas day he was kinda drowsy and confused... Scary... I made everyone drive to a gas station for blue poweraid - because I asked him if he wanted anything and he seemed shy / embarrassed about it but said he really wanted blue poweraid. He tried to get his mother to get him some but she brought him gatoraid, which wasn't the same. It was shocking to me... How dismissive other people were being about getting him what he wanted when it was so simple compared to a hell of a lot of other things... I didn't / don't understand that. I mean... It isn't that hard, really. And it is something concrete that one can do to help...
On the plane on the way back... They put me right at the back with a bunch of mothers and infants / toddlers. Because I'm an 'older' woman travelling alone, I guess. They looked a little apologetic when I boarded the plane... Anyway... The lady next to me was a little nervous... First time travelling with a 3 month old... Had her mother with her to help, but... And the flight attendant couldn't find the picture of how she was supposed to hold it for take-off but said she was supposed to take it out of the front carrier and cradle it sort of... Anyway... Not sure why but I said it might be about holding it's head in a position so as to keep the airway clear in case the face gets pressed back into her with the acceleration / with turbulence... And about how sucking a pacifier or something might help keep the tubes open because it can hurt when they get blocked... And that probably the most important thing was that she was comfortable because if she was relaxed he would be most likely to relax, too. And, anyway... People seemed to relax and nobodies baby made any kind of grumpy sound during the (admittedly fairly short) flight. Just little things... I said I liked taking off - it was my favourite part. How it feels when the wind gets under the wings and the plane lifts off the ground. Commenting that the little bit of turbulance we had closer to Auckland was usually something that happened closer to Wellington with the wind currents... She asked if I was a nurse and I was like 'no. I'm a student. I'd like to be a doctor, but... I don't really know anything about babies...' I guess now they probably thought I actually was a medical student... Which I really didn't mean to convey... But, anyway, the whole thing... Made me realise that I really do want to be a doctor. More than anything. That I do have interpersonal skills for some things. For exactly that kind of thing. When the role is clear. When your calmness is infectious. I like the mental clarity that emerges for me during those time. How time seems to slow down so pressure for me to think swiftly is lifted and things just... Flow. Trying to get into the spirit of law is simply me trying to arrange a plan B so that I'm not destroyed if I don't get a place. But I think no matter what... I will be, rather. I really, really want this. Mostly because I think I will be really rather good. I don't think I can convey to people that... I don't know that I can do well enough on the tests and everything that is supposed to be about detecting precisely that. I like to feel... Like a sheepdog. Leading from behind... Looking out for others welfare... Using all my senses / wits to focus on keeping everything okay...
And the baby was cute. She wasn't... Excited. That high pitched squealy thing that some people / mothers do with infants... She wasn't like that. And her baby was really calm. I said 'happy' but I meant more Bob Marley type reggae chilled out. Didn't have a care in the world. Content. At peace. Just stared at me with these soulful black eyes... She said he could see to about 60cm so... Probably could see better than me... I'm alright with kids. They seem to like me. Get curious about me. Because I don't pursue them, I guess. They become very curious about me... About what my deal is. I do think some kids roll their eyes rather at the high pitched squealy thing that a lot of people do at them... I know I (still do) find it over-stimulating. A lot of people who get a lot of that... I think it does de-sensitise people. I'm not sure it is for the best. Depends on your environment, perhaps. Like the locusts getting their hind-feet brushed... Will they become solitary or will they swarm? I think people have a little bit of that, too...
There is something about hospitals that I like. Perhaps because sometimes what I most need is a seclusion cell, or some approximation thereof. Because there were usually a few huggy-bear nurses who would offer hugs / squeeze the crap out of me, which helped. Because it got me out of the sh*t hole that was my life, at times. Anyway... I find them calming. The smell of them etc. Even when things go crazy. Like the time the great big guy practically picked up the heavy wooden pool table and threw it across the room... made sense to me at the time. or the time one of the chicks dropped to the floor and started to seize or the time... I find clarity emerges at those times. Most especially if you have a checklist of procedures to do... Clarity emerges, yeah
Anyway... Onward, ho. I am looking forward to classes starting... But I'm also kinda scared, yeah. Feeling more normal, though. Yeah. And I did have a break. A proper holiday... Getting away... Which I haven't done since... And now I'm home and it is so good to be home and to not have to answer to 'and what are your plans for the day' when I'm used to doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it... And my second model kit arrived (so now I can make all the functional groups I need to know and leave them set up indefinately / join them together) and my epidemiology book did too and I think the gym is open today and... Life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 16:33:53
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 15:31:59
I think it is because of priorities. Of what is important in life. Finally... Nobody gives a sh*t about what brand of this or that you are wearing. The squealy thing is much diminished. People are calmer. More sombre. More introverted / introspective. Respectful. Sensitive. Hospitals, fairly generally, are calming for me. Even the sound of alarms... They make most people freeze and stare wide-eyed. Looking around for the sheepdogs... Perhaps that is it... You don't seem to get the bully-people stepping up in that kind of a situation. Leaders emerge and people seem grateful. I don't see happy-puppy jostling. I don't see people jostling to take control of the situation. That's precisely the kind of situation in which I can step up. Most especially if I have a list (have confidence in my ability to work through that list)... The more automatic that it the better I can (I know I actually can) bring other kinds of monitoring processes online, too... For some of the out of the box... The kind of thinking that prevents boredom kicking in as you do a process for the 10th, 100th, 1,000th, 100,000th time...
People do seem to like me and look to me to lead. I'm not entirely sure why... I think it is partly my age, now. And I'm tall-ish for a female... I've had some people say that there is something about the way I move that is eye catching. I sort of float... I know one can't be objective about oneself... But I think I do have some kind of quality of movement that makes my movement form eye catching... Perhaps because I find something aesthetically pleasing about movement myself so I work hard at the gym mostly to improve on it and that does shine through... And... I think I'm attractive in a pleasant way. I'm very conservative in my dress and I don't have a tended look of makeup and hours with hair dryers / products... So... Sort of non-sexual, I guess, which makes people feel less threatened... Anyway... Whatever... Perhaps because my natural response in an emergency is to step back away from the people (so I can keep my eyes on the whole herd) and to... Obviously... Think. Think about what I can do. Instead of standing there in absolute shock that all the chatter has stopped and that the siren is too loud for people to talk to / at each other... Panicked eyes looking for someone to MOVE so everyone can follow...
I was talking about physics for summer school and whether other people were going to do it. And people were like 'why, it isn't a requirement for your pathway'? And I was like 'because it will help me understand physiology since it is largely based on physical principles'. And people were like 'why, you only need to remember the powerpoint factoids they throw at you'. And eventually I was like 'okay, you got me. I like physics. I'll enjoy it, that's why I want to do it'. These people are weird... They have alien attitudes for me..
I was watching a documentary... And this is a theme that has come up many times... About 'brilliant people' who do this or that. About some doctor who cared more about his patients than his family. Who spent more time at the hospital than he did at home. They cast it as him making sacrifices. Like he was some kind of hero or saint for sacrificing something he clearly loved more / would clearly personally prefer to be doing (hanging with his family) for some higher principle (to benefit mankind or sense of duty to his patients or whatever). But no. You would burn out if that was what you were doing. Become bitter and resentful with life. Clearly what was going on was... He loved his job. That's why he did it. He felt more comfortable caring for patients than hanging out at home. Probably... He couldn't deal with the unstructured environment. He didn't know how to be without his role. He couldn't have done otherwise, in other words. That's what you want, seems to me. When the students are all about 'I'd love to do it - but only part time because I want a life as well....' When people are all 'medicine can't be your life or you will burn out'... Medicine isn't really calling them, is it. They don't have that vocation. There are a bunch of students who are all, like 'patients just want us to give them this and that and they don't treat us with the respect they once used to have for our profession'. But then... They don't want to treat their vocation / their patients with the respect that used to be the standard for the profession, either. So... I don't trust doctors because I don't know their (largely undisclosed) financial interests. The pharma perks. The advertising (in the name of education) they have been subjected to. Even the studies are corrupt. Hard to know when to trust the science. Hard to know when I'm being sacrified for some (misguided) ideology about what is good for populations... I want control of my own healthcare... And along the way... I'll be in the position to help others... Maybe even populations...
I think the person has been left out... Somehow in the catch-phrase of 'reductionism- bad' the population focus has somehow ignored the fact that populations are comprised (largely) of persons. This whole idea of 'quality adjusted life years' is morally repugnant to me. The idea that there is an objective hierarchy of quality of life and that certain people have less quality of life than others... The idea that quality decreases with age. That people who aren't able to hear (whose other senses are hightened in compensatory ways) are worse off because of something intrinsic about them (rather than because of societies prejudices and ignorances and because of largely arbitrary ways in which much of it is set up)... That if a person has something like loss of limb then they are placed lower down transplant lists (for example) because the thought is that their quality of life is always going to be impaired, anyway, so the transplant is worth more given to someone who thereby gets up over the 'normal!' line... It makes me angry... So very soulless... Personless... The... Warped and... Psychopathic... Moral intuitions / quality judgements that seem intuitive to economists... I mean, my God, rich people probably have higher quality of life from the perspective of economics, too, which probably justifies why rich people should be bumped up the transplant lists too - right?
I feel sad that I need to spend time learning to pick the middle and answering questions (learning to inter-personally relate the way the ACER consortium has decided is ideal)... I could have spent the several hundred dollars on a first aid course... I feel... Sad. That this kind of sh*t may prevent me... For some kid who got really really good at memorising factoids. I guess I just have to trust the selection process... Or... Or perhaps 'And'... If it screws me over... Trust that whatever medicine has become... It isn't for me.
I suppose I could look into going overseas and volunteering for things... Try and actually... Work my way up into something that way. If that makes sense. By being generally useful. I don't know how I'd cope without my own little cave, though. That is basically the problem...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:12
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 16:33:53
> learning to inter-personally relate the way the ACER consortium has decided is ideal...
like a rich, white, australian, in other words.
sigh.
why nz. just, uh, why?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:55
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:12
oh, yeah. because we are talking about OUR kids (getting entry to medical school) / having futures that are secured.
sigh.
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