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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
Tonight my husband said that I will never be normal and that he has come to accept this. Afterwards I could not stop crying. I have wanted to be normal for as long as I can remember. I didn't think it showed so much. I'm broken hearted. I felt this way as a child. A very familiar grief.
Posted by gadchik on May 22, 2014, at 9:15:19
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
Im sorry, Beckett. It breaks my heart to read what you posted. I so wish that I could help you in some way, say something to make it better. There's nothing I can do or say. Im just telling you that I hear you, I am feeling your deep sadness. Just last night, my hubby surprised me by saying, "You don't think you deserve this nice house, or your good lot in life. Ive noticed this about you. You do deserve it, and don't feel guilty." I was saddened by realizing that I don't think I deserve good things. Why, I wonder? Im always expecting the sky to fall,some disaster to wreck my life. :(
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2014, at 9:41:58
In reply to Re: Never normal » Beckett, posted by gadchik on May 22, 2014, at 9:15:19
Before you had the depression did you consider yourself worthy of having nice things? I ask cause I sure did and had them and didn't appreciate them assumed this was the way things were. I was happy from teens after Mother died till late 40's. Now I don't feel worthy of a thing but more bad things to happen. So I wonder if a result of having the sky fall (so to speak) that leaves this feeling of impending doom? Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2014, at 9:44:15
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
Beckett what do you feel caused your husband to say this about you? I think he was saying I love and accept you just the way you are. We are all uniquely us. I feel your pain. I am truly sorry. What was your husband's reaction to your response to his words? Phillipa
Posted by gadchik on May 22, 2014, at 9:49:33
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
Ive found a quote for u:
Normal is an ideal. But its not reality. Reality is brutal, its beautiful, its every shade between black and white, and its magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.
Tara Kelly
Posted by gadchik on May 22, 2014, at 9:58:30
In reply to Re: Never normal » gadchik, posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2014, at 9:41:58
P, I never had good self esteem, or felt worthy of good things. I didn't have much until I became an adult and made it on my own, and together with hubby. That said, I was always happy most of the time in life. I have had episodes of depression/anxiety but they don't last forever.Little things and experiences make me happy, not material things, but still, I always feel I don't deserve the nice things I have. Don't know why. Im happy though.
Posted by ihatedrugs1 on May 22, 2014, at 13:59:22
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
> Tonight my husband said that I will never be normal and that he has come to accept this. Afterwards I could not stop crying. I have wanted to be normal for as long as I can remember. I didn't think it showed so much. I'm broken hearted. I felt this way as a child. A very familiar grief.
He probably didn't mean it in a bad way. Medicine keeps on evolving and new treatments are on the way, though at a slower pace than we'd like. Don't let what you don't know (being normal {as in not sick} in the future) cause more pain that you already bear. No one knows the future, not even your perfectly normal hubby.
a warm hug
ihatedrugs1
Posted by SLS on May 22, 2014, at 14:24:47
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
> Tonight my husband said that I will never be normal and that he has come to accept this.
Ouch. I'm sorry.
Your husband is, of course, correct. You are unique in so many wonderful ways such that no one else could ever replace you in God's creation. Your uniqueness leaves you exquisitely different from others. There is nothing inherently wrong in being different. Statistically speaking, it is normal not to be completely normal.
Your goal should not be normalcy, but good health. With good health, you can actualize your potential as a human being and rejoice in your similarities and differences.
It is now time to discard the fallacious and caustic messages of childhood and interpret them through the eyes of an adult.
What is normal for YOU?
I am quite sure that you and I are different, and will remain so for the rest of existence. Thus, one or both of us will never be normal. I can say with certainty that I am NOT normal. (People often tell me that they have never met anyone quite like me). This leaves open the possibility that you ARE normal. Yuck.
- Scott
Posted by baseball55 on May 22, 2014, at 20:04:06
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
> Tonight my husband said that I will never be normal and that he has come to accept this. Afterwards I could not stop crying. I have wanted to be normal for as long as I can remember. I didn't think it showed so much. I'm broken hearted. I felt this way as a child. A very familiar grief.
Well, what is normal? Who is normal? Did your husband say this critically or was he saying, like, I accept you for who you are?
I'm sure not normal and never was. My husband once said, you've always been crazy. I didn't get upset. I agreed. I have always been crazy in ways. What upset me is when my husband told me he hated being with me because I had become depressed, that it was like living with a zombie. That hurt. Badly.
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2014, at 20:41:49
In reply to Re: Never normal » Beckett, posted by baseball55 on May 22, 2014, at 20:04:06
What does normal mean good one for babble. Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2014, at 20:51:49
In reply to Re: Never normal » Beckett, posted by gadchik on May 22, 2014, at 9:49:33
Posted by alexandra_k on May 23, 2014, at 1:08:42
In reply to Re: Never normal, posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2014, at 20:51:49
i was going to have a speel about how normal is just a place on a bell curve... things like sexism and racism are statistically normal - but do we hold those positions up as something to aspire to? 'most people' are really rather insufferable (in most respects, even, haha) do i really want to be like them???
perhaps that line is helpful or inspiring in some way... i think... i find it to be at times...
on the other hand... there is something... the pain. the suffering. the... grieving? that something kinda sorta like that that most people do not feel (surely?) that it would be better (nicer) not to feel... to think that that feeling will haunt one always... that... obliviousness? that 'most' or 'normal' people feel is... always elusive.
not sure if any of this is relevant... but in case it is and it helps...
i've felt like there was something deeply disturbingly wrong with me ever since i can remember. most of my life has been the pursuit of what that was. to understand it. to... gain control over it. mastery of it. escape from it at times. it's ruled my life for sure.
i've learned that there is this social facade that a lot of people put up. that quite often we do not know what goes on for most people behind closed doors. i think quite a few more lament their lack of normality... perhaps to the point of it being quite normal, even. but i also think that in some respects i have turned out to be quite different from most others. in ways that were different from what i had supposed before...
there is this speech... 'don't mourn for them'. us. me. whatever... it is about autism... but i think it could be about whatever you like, really. it is about the loss of an ideal. it is about coming to terms with reality being different from whatever ideal it was that one had about how things were 'supposed to be'. about coming to terms with that... and working with the reality to make that as wonderful as possible (warts and all) and perhaps even... to discover kinds of beauty far beyond what one ever could have imagined in ones narrow little ideal that one had prior:
Posted by Poet on May 23, 2014, at 11:03:39
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
Hi Beckett,
My husband says things like I'm crazy as a loon and I should as pdoc a/k/a Dr. Clueless if I am crazy on the official scale. Not funny, and what your husband said isn't funny either.
I'll never be normal, and I've accepted that I'm "different", but I get that being normal is what you've always wanted. I've always wanted to be thin and successful in a career (zero down, two to go..) It's as if something is just out of reach and I keep grabbing for it and end up frustrated and feeling bad about myself.
When you feel better you might ask him just what he considers normal. Sorry, he hurt you so badly.
Poet
Posted by gadchik on May 23, 2014, at 12:11:59
In reply to Re: Never normal, posted by Poet on May 23, 2014, at 11:03:39
"I would like to be happy-go-lucky, leisurely, of lighter spirit. I fool myself into wishing I were somebody totally different from who I actually am. But then in an instant, my perspectives shift, and I accept what before was problematic. I view my history, my parents, my body type, my strange appetite for asking questions, and my unsettled and unsettling mind as my destiny. What was a wound is transformed into a gift. In that moment I know that my ultimate freedom lies in surrendering to this strange being who bears the name Sam Keen."-Sam Keen
Posted by Beckett on May 23, 2014, at 14:37:59
In reply to Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 22, 2014, at 2:31:05
Hi,
Thanks for talking. It helps. Being normal to me means not being sick. As an adult, I've daydreamed...if only I had unipolar depression. Can you imagine? What an absurd game. I have always been eccentric, and that is a good thing, I think. That is not the kind of normal I mean. My being ill interferes with functioning, and that is what my husband meant because he also said that it wasn't the life he would have choosen.
Later he came in and said that he was not normal, too, and that was a good thing, and if I could accept myself more, that would be good. But he is happy (except being burdened by such a spouse), outgoing, and high functioning (great job and great social abilities). He didn't realize how much 'trouble' I had been in until I landed in the hospital this January. In our talk he started out saying that things felt much better between us and that we weren't connecting last year. I said simply because I was suffering. Which was true because I was almost psychotic with pain, but still taking full care of our child and the house, etc. Though I had tried to tell him at the time. <sigh> Few of the undepressed get it sometimes until one lands in the hospital or something. But that just adds to one's sense and of being seen as abnormal. Normal means having only distant knowledge of the kind of unhappiness illness brings.
My husband is a good guy. He's a good father, too. It's not his fault that since being a girl I have felt so different and ashamed of this negative difference, and that he used such a triggering word. I mean I think he meant it, but guess it was good for him to air this.
Posted by baseball55 on May 23, 2014, at 19:49:10
In reply to Re: Never normal, posted by alexandra_k on May 23, 2014, at 1:08:42
> i've learned that there is this social facade that a lot of people put up. that quite often we do not know what goes on for most people behind closed doors. i think quite a few more lament their lack of normality... perhaps to the point of it being quite normal, even.
Any therapist will tell you that most people don't feel normal, worry about whether they are good enough, worry about whether people like them, etc. The funny thing for me is that, for most of my life, I knew I wasn't normal and thought I was better than others in many ways. It wasn't until my world collapsed and I became severely depressed and started therapy 9 years ago that I realized I wasn't really better than or different from others.
Maybe your husband, in saying you're not normal, means you're not content. I think that's what most people want when they want to be normal -- just content, okay with themselves.
Posted by baseball55 on May 23, 2014, at 19:56:21
In reply to Re: Never normal, posted by baseball55 on May 23, 2014, at 19:49:10
It's hard on family members when someone is suffering from a mental illness. They don't get it. It seems to them like you ought to be able to control your moods and behaviors. My husband was so unsupportive when I became severely depressed, he actually said he thought I should just kill myself. He said this when I was in a hospital after a suicide attempt (it is not so easy to kill oneself).
In retrospect, as I get ready to leave (moving out next Sunday), I should have left him years ago, but I didn't have the mental health and self-respect to do that.
Posted by SLS on May 23, 2014, at 21:05:41
In reply to Re: Never normal, posted by Beckett on May 23, 2014, at 14:37:59
It is helpful to know how you use the word "normal". I wish you were normal (healthy), too. That your husband accepts your current lack of health (normalcy) might be a step forward. I don't know. "Normal" is a trigger word for you right now. There is a great deal of history behind your relationship with this word. Perhaps you should have a discussion with your husband about it.
- Scott
Posted by Beckett on May 24, 2014, at 0:50:10
In reply to Re: Never normal, posted by baseball55 on May 23, 2014, at 19:49:10
Baseball, I'm glad you're doing well. I was just reading your updates. Very exciting.
This is the end of the thread.
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