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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2013, at 22:34:44
i've just realized... it is properly starting to sink in... school starts on monday.
things are open on friday. that will be so people can sort out last minute enrollment stuff. because school starts on monday.
i will have a lot to do on friday... trying to get my start date brought forward and get me enrolled.
i should be able to do the math class, no problem. i found their outline and while they assume you are at x level of competency they provide screening and extra help stuff for people who don't have that yet. i emailed the physics prof and asked him if i could audit the class for non-credit... that i would enroll in it if people were good enough to drop out. i'm not sure how likely that is, though, given that it wasn't even open to waitlist... anyway... we will see...
i am annoyed at myself that i didn't find that physics class much earlier and enroll in it. only they hid the information about it away over in the school of engineering... sniff... whatever. i missed it. it might be too late now. or... maybe i saw it. but wrote it off because i thought i'd be working on my thesis.
i keep thinking 'too little, too late'. about my thesis. just that expression round and round over and over. i get caught on little bits that people say, sometimes... weird, perhaps. i ran into someone i did my PhD with... he has a job up here, now... anyway... he told me (years ago) that i was going about things backwards... with doing philosophy first and then wanting to do medicine / science second. he said doing it the other way around (as he did) makes more sense because then you actually have content / stuff to be philosophical about. anyway... that has been going round and round my head for years now... and when i ran into him i told him this. and he seemed surprised. and said 'did i say that?' then he seemed thoughtful about it. like he never really thought on it before... maybe i remember the oddest things.
i thought i would be able to hunker down and work on my thesis this summer. like i did last summer. like i have done many times ago... for this and that conference. this and that seminar. for my masters thesis. but something in me has just kind of sort of gone ENOUGH!!! and i... the whole thing seems like a nebulous cloud... that one could spend ones life altering bits of. push a bit here and that bit over there pops out. round and round we go. getting stressed. not really making things better. that is how it feels. what's it for??? i... ENOUGH!!
so instead i've been... going a bit mad doing nothing, honestly. playing computer games. posting (obviously). watching sh*t on tv.
that last one is good, actually. it means my noise sensitivity is back to normal (for me). back to what it was when i was in australia. i couldn't make 'normal person noises' in my room... since i moved to this country... so hypersensitive to others being hypersensitive to me...
cooking. eating. feeling blubbery. i think part of that is just... being female. feeling... like one is always somewhat spilling out of things. soft rubbery squishy body. jiggly. needs... compression gear to hold it together... only... i've started to develop an aversion to the coolish wetish feel of it... i'm not sure what is to be done... aside from eating a lot less, of course... only... i really do enjoy food. the textures the tastes the smells - sorry phillipa. :(
i have some study stuff for next year... they have put up stuff we can do to prepare... questions that take you through a bit of an outline. and of course i've found past years exam papers... but i... i... well i've done some... but i've had enough for the moment. school will start soon enough and we will go through it together as a class. i don't want to... kill my enjoyment of it by being over-prepared...
this summer i want to see about getting to every f*ck*ng 'and this is how we use the library' class the library has to offer. they do a bunch of stuff... time management etc etc etc. all this sort of stuff... the earlier you do it the better i reckon.
i do want to finish my thesis. one day. but not right now. i... can't face it right now. i'm tired of working on it. round and f*ck*ng round we go. i'm sick of it. i want to get off. I f*ck*ng well did work on it. over the years. i've done heaps of work. really. i feel like a f*ck*ng lazy slacker always but i always did work intense periods and then days off to recouperate. so... i'm allowed to take days out to huddle in bed or play stupid games or whatever. it was just that i stopped showing people work... because i knew they would hate it. and round and round i would go... and, well... i'm sick and i need to get off.
i hope this goes better for me. i can't do round 2. not like that. i... don't think i'll end up in quite this mess again... but i still feel.. so much guilt... for not having sorted this out...
Posted by SLS on January 1, 2014, at 8:29:23
In reply to school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2013, at 22:34:44
> i've just realized... it is properly starting to sink in... school starts on monday.
You sure do have a lot going on inside that head of yours. Can you compartmentalize those things that distract you from focusing on your academic efforts?
By the way, mild depression and dysthymia feel more like laziness than the paralyzing anergia that can accompany major depressive disorder. This "laziness" very often includes procrastination. Even a small degree anergia can prevent one from completing tasks.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:08:10
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on January 1, 2014, at 8:29:23
> Can you compartmentalize those things that distract you from focusing on your academic efforts?
why do you think i'm distracted from my academic efforts? i've... found outlines for most of my classes (all of them that was available). i've gotten electronic copies of all text books. i've found preparation material they provided for stuff to do over summer - and done most of it. spent a lot of time with those text books...
how many students do that? why do you think i'm distracted?
i've done other stuff too that i haven't posted about that is perhaps nuttier... i've looked up some of the lecturers so i have mental picture of what they will look like. i've visited the main lecture hall so i'm sort of somewhat comfortable in the main room. i've colour coded all of my classes for the year (it helps me) and stuck my timetable for the year in a prominent place on my wall... along with the unit outline... so i can add notes to it / to the wall as the year goes on...
do i sound distracted from my study?
these sorts of things aren't necessary.. but they will help. will help me not get behind. that is basically the idea. there comes a point where information is being thrown at you too fast for you to keep up with it properly. where you are overwhelmed. and you just gotta keep trying to not drown as best you can. then you see how you did compared to others when you get your grade. all this preparation is about postponing the point where i start to sink. i can get through to semester break if i'm well prepared. then if i use my semester break to pre-read... it will only be the last half of the last half that will be sheer living hell. that is enough (typically) to give me the edge...
> By the way, mild depression and dysthymia feel more like laziness than the paralyzing anergia that can accompany major depressive disorder. This "laziness" very often includes procrastination. Even a small degree anergia can prevent one from completing tasks.
does mild depression and dysthymia make one lazy / procrastinate... or does being lazy / procrastinating make one mildly depressed / dysthymic.
?
i'm not sure why you say i'm lazy / procrastinating... didn't i say that i did work... i have worked all along... that while I often FELT like i was being lazy / i hadn't done enough, that that wasn't actually the case.
?
i must be missing something...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:28:08
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:08:10
sorry if i'm giving you a hard time today... i don't get... what i really don't get... is why people who don't have the time / energy to try and understand how things are... like to offer opinions / advice on what they think the problem is and what they think should be done to fix it. this has happened a lot with me over the years. doctors. psychologists. nurses. educators. etc etc. not with everyone (which is fortunate, because otherwise i really would think i was going crazy / there is something wrong with me that this is such an issue) but with a whole heap of people... why do people do this? i don't understand.
Posted by Twinleaf on January 1, 2014, at 16:16:15
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:28:08
Alex, I think you are making a great point -not just about your own situation, but generally about the motives people have for posting here.
Everyone posting here is probably already resolving the things they are able to resolve at the moment. I think people post about unresolved problems, not because they want to be told what to do, but because they truly want understanding and acceptance for their unresolved challenges. Sort of an "I get that this is tough" - period.
I'm glad you brought us back to what can be really valuable about Babble.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 18:45:58
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on January 1, 2014, at 16:16:15
i think bob should make a list of what can be really valuable about babble.he seems good with lists :)
i guess there are different things people may be wanting. and that might even be something that changes over time.
miscommunications about that seem to be a major source of babble conflict.
nice to see you posting here :)
Posted by Emme_V2 on January 1, 2014, at 18:52:06
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:28:08
> sorry if i'm giving you a hard time today... i don't get... what i really don't get... is why people who don't have the time / energy to try and understand how things are... like to offer opinions / advice on what they think the problem is and what they think should be done to fix it. this has happened a lot with me over the years. doctors. psychologists. nurses. educators. etc etc. not with everyone (which is fortunate, because otherwise i really would think i was going crazy / there is something wrong with me that this is such an issue) but with a whole heap of people... why do people do this? i don't understand.
>
>Alex, this is a support board. People try to be supportive in the best way they know how. I really think it's as simple as that. If you want a particular type of support (e.g., listening and validation) rather than another type (e.g., problem solving), then say so and I believe people will try to provide that. It's okay to ask for what you need, especially on an Internet forum, where the back and forth is harder than if you were sitting with someone over coffee in person.
Posted by baseball55 on January 1, 2014, at 19:51:47
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:28:08
I hope you will not feel offended, Alex. In an internet forum, where there's no body language and limited background knowledge, people sometimes misunderstand or feel misunderstood.
I think Scott was just trying to be helpful.
I wish you luck in school. You are signing on for a very challenging semester!
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 20:35:09
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on January 1, 2014, at 8:29:23
i am sorry scott. i hope you know that i respect you a great deal.
compartmentalize... you mentioned that in a couple posts today. what do you mean by that? how do you feel it has helped you?
i don't know what you mean by it. best i got is 'dissociate'...
i certainly do need to get better at time management / scheduling, though.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 21:12:04
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » alexandra_k, posted by Emme_V2 on January 1, 2014, at 18:52:06
> People try to be supportive in the best way they know how.yes. i suppose that is true. i've just had a whole lot of people saying they were helping over the years... but what they were doing was hurting.
> If you want a particular type of support (e.g., listening and validation) rather than another type (e.g., problem solving), then say so and I believe people will try to provide that.I want people to understand what I'm saying. Or if they don't understand, that is okay. Pretending to understand / saying they understand when they don't seem to isn't helping, though. It is hurting.
> It's okay to ask for what you need, especially on an Internet forum, where the back and forth is harder than if you were sitting with someone over coffee in person.
I don't find it harder.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 21:13:44
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by baseball55 on January 1, 2014, at 19:51:47
> I hope you will not feel offended, Alex. In an internet forum, where there's no body language and limited background knowledge, people sometimes misunderstand or feel misunderstood.
I don't see how body language helps. I feel... Background knowledge-wise... I know a lot of people here better than a bunch of people I interact with irl.
It's cool. Perhaps one of the things I like best about here is that misunderstandings can be worked through.
Posted by sigismund on January 1, 2014, at 21:20:57
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 21:13:44
My feeling is that IRL conversation with people here would be more difficult/frustrating (more restrictions IRL) but less fractious ultimately.
Posted by SLS on January 1, 2014, at 23:07:38
In reply to Re: school starts on monday, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 15:08:10
> i must be missing something...
I thought you were having difficulties completing your dissertation. Oops. My bad.
Emme_V2 and others make sense to me in what they are saying. It is my nature to be a problem solver. I like to help people, I guess. I am also not a bad listener - IRL. I will see if I can translate this more to my writings here. I didn't get the feeling that you wanted only to be heard. I'm sure that I missed something, though.
Sorry.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on January 2, 2014, at 20:26:15
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on January 1, 2014, at 23:07:38
i am sorry.
i was feeling cranky -- and i took it out on you, rather.
truth of it is that i'm starting to go a bit nutty from all my alone time. don't get me wrong... i needed it. but i'm really excited about having more people contact (which is a very good thing indeed).
i had to try and sort out summer school today... and, well, i really do need to work on my communication skills :-/ people... do want to be helpful, yeah. i need to get better at communicating what i need and perhaps also at understanding what they need from me (though i think i'm good on this in some settings).
i do understand the urge to fix things. and i really do value your posts. please don't try and be different. you are a decent person. i'm sorry i snapped at you a bit :-(
Posted by alexandra_k on January 2, 2014, at 20:39:02
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on January 2, 2014, at 20:26:15
so...
i found some stuff yesterday...
one thing i found was a lecture from this guy who is the head of an autism organisation. he said that traditionally... there was a separation between autism organisations (focused on cause and prevention and cure) and other organisations... That disability organisations were focused on provision of services / improving quality of life.
the thing about disability...
is that they want to conceive of it more like race. differences that aren't to be discriminated against.
you don't try and cure a person of their race. of their handedness. of their sexual orientation.
how about their autism?
(this is not to say that assistive services aren't important or needed).
there was a speech. 'don't mourn for me'. maybe that was why i grew up feeling like i wished i was dead. maybe it was because people... it was kinda like they did wish i was dead. because i wasn't what... whatever it was they wanted me to be.
what do we do with people who are different?
we try and exterminate them.
genetic screens against.
oh.
there is an elective on disability and the media. yawn, i thought. but now...
i learned that a couple years ago there was publicity around some parent who killed her disabled kid. the public... well... the way the media portrayed it etc etc was that people understood that it must be hard for her to have raised a disabled kid. like that somehow excused it.
undercurrent... of stuff about how it is perhaps better to be dead than disabled.
some autism groups... are moving towards disability rights / provisions of service... moving away from thinking that autism is something that needs to be cured. the disability rights organisations aren't so fussed about focusing on a cure because they deal with hodge-podge. intellectual disability (for example) due to a diverse range of conditions with a diverse range of causes...
i've said before about how it makes me feel a little squeemish about the whole downs syndrome movement. e.g., that you shouldn't be allowed to discrinimate against a foetus (say) on the grounds of disability.
i guess it makes us all feel squeemish. which is why we don't want to look / see / know about / think on certain things.
so anyway... i guess this course is about that. maybe... i'll look into the timetable and see about changing from the drugs and society one. i found the book for that and i could read it over this weekend to satisfy my curiosity...
maybe i'll get more out of this one. personally.
i guess this (again) is why my supervisor told me to look to intellectual disability. which is... a mental illness. according to dsm.
Posted by SLS on January 2, 2014, at 21:13:17
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on January 2, 2014, at 20:26:15
> you are a decent person.
As are you.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on January 3, 2014, at 0:40:52
In reply to Re: school starts on monday » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on January 2, 2014, at 21:13:17
> > you are a decent person.
>
> As are you.
>
> :-):)
Thank you for being so gracious.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 3, 2014, at 1:07:27
In reply to Re: disability and media, posted by alexandra_k on January 2, 2014, at 20:39:02
well... that course is pushed hard up against my most important lab that involves a bit of a trek to get to... they get a bit cranky about changing our lab times, apparently.. hmm...
the lecturer for that course could be a good person for me to get to know, though... and it is the only social science paper (where i get to write) that i've got all year. and i'd like to write something about mary and max. and / or big bang theory. or... i remember being fairly young and watching this film about a boy... corey? corkey? it had cher in it. the boy had something... i forget. he looked odd. he went to summer camp and became friends with a girl who was blind. that film stuck with me for a while...
one of my friends mothers was blind (not from birth). a good friend. through primary... intermediate... we were both nuts on horses... one of the guys in the phil department here is blind (from birth). which freaks me out / amazes me, rather. that he can do advanced logic and stuff... listen... without taking notes... remember... engage... he is weird for me to talk to because he doesn't notice about the eye contact thing. i imagine he has this really rich ability to visualise since he isn't being impinged apon from outside in that respect. i would like to ask him. when i mention this to others they look at me weirdly... like he's blind so he can't see anything with his minds eye either. but i find that idea weirder, still.
i get to do the math and the physics paper for summer school! i hope it won't be too much for me... still... only one way to find out. there seems to be a bunch of different people working in the faculty center... of different levels of seniority... who know different things etc... they checked that i knew what i was doing (sort of anyway) with respect to bio-med rather than an easier science option. and med intention. and that i had plans i was happy with if med didn't work out - since there are so very many more hopefuls than can be accepted. they gave me the obligatory 'we reccommend you take an extra year to do foundations (preparation) papers' because i was trying to cram a couple years science into a few weeks... but... i said my study skills were a lot better than most first years. and, well, we'll just have to hope that they are enough. and hope that my critical thinking / logic skills will serve me well / generalize.
chemistry is the one, apparently. the one that will f*ck you over. but meh, whatever. i remember teaching pre-meds in the US... 'where's my A'. sigh. i won't become one of them. i'll just do what i can. and thank the universe for my having been given such an opportunity :) i really hope i do well. i'll do my best.
Posted by Jay_Original1 on January 3, 2014, at 11:05:26
In reply to Re: disability and media, posted by alexandra_k on January 3, 2014, at 1:07:27
> i remember being fairly young and watching this film about a boy... corey? corkey? it had cher in it. the boy had something... i forget. he looked odd. he went to summer camp and became friends with a girl who was blind. that film stuck with me for a while...
>That movie, I believe, would be "MASK". I thought it was a pretty good movie. I think it was Laura Dern who played the sweet young blind girl.
Jay
Posted by Twinleaf on January 3, 2014, at 12:45:30
In reply to Re: disability and media, posted by alexandra_k on January 3, 2014, at 1:07:27
Sounds great! You are going to be very busy, but it sounds like you got into all the courses you were hoping for. From what you have written, if I am understanding it properly, people have been quite helpful in assisting you to get what you need in your housing, course choices and perhaps even in terms of therapy, although I guess that one is still up in the air.
Posted by baseball55 on January 3, 2014, at 19:37:54
In reply to Re: Movie name, posted by Jay_Original1 on January 3, 2014, at 11:05:26
> That movie, I believe, would be "MASK". I thought it was a pretty good movie. I think it was Laura Dern who played the sweet young blind girl.
>
> Jay
>
Great film. Cher was wonderful. She was a mediocre singer but a terrific actress (see Silkwood).
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2014, at 5:05:10
In reply to Re: Movie name, posted by Jay_Original1 on January 3, 2014, at 11:05:26
> That movie, I believe, would be "MASK".
yes. that was it. thanks for that.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2014, at 5:07:03
In reply to New semester, posted by Twinleaf on January 3, 2014, at 12:45:30
> Sounds great! You are going to be very busy, but it sounds like you got into all the courses you were hoping for. From what you have written, if I am understanding it properly, people have been quite helpful in assisting you to get what you need in your housing, course choices and perhaps even in terms of therapy, although I guess that one is still up in the air.
thanks.
yeah, i got all the courses i want. changed labs today, even, so i picked up the disability course... but i could actually change it back to pharmacy... i'm not 100% sure what elective to take. i don't suppose it matters a great deal.
i'm sorry you got blocked :(
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2014, at 19:01:31
In reply to Re: Movie name, posted by baseball55 on January 3, 2014, at 19:37:54
> Great film. Cher was wonderful. She was a mediocre singer but a terrific actress (see Silkwood).yes. i thought she was a wonderful actress, too.
there was a series... a family drama, i guess... that had a boy with downs syndrome in it... was his name corey or corky or something like that??
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