Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2013, at 22:34:44
i've just realized... it is properly starting to sink in... school starts on monday.
things are open on friday. that will be so people can sort out last minute enrollment stuff. because school starts on monday.
i will have a lot to do on friday... trying to get my start date brought forward and get me enrolled.
i should be able to do the math class, no problem. i found their outline and while they assume you are at x level of competency they provide screening and extra help stuff for people who don't have that yet. i emailed the physics prof and asked him if i could audit the class for non-credit... that i would enroll in it if people were good enough to drop out. i'm not sure how likely that is, though, given that it wasn't even open to waitlist... anyway... we will see...
i am annoyed at myself that i didn't find that physics class much earlier and enroll in it. only they hid the information about it away over in the school of engineering... sniff... whatever. i missed it. it might be too late now. or... maybe i saw it. but wrote it off because i thought i'd be working on my thesis.
i keep thinking 'too little, too late'. about my thesis. just that expression round and round over and over. i get caught on little bits that people say, sometimes... weird, perhaps. i ran into someone i did my PhD with... he has a job up here, now... anyway... he told me (years ago) that i was going about things backwards... with doing philosophy first and then wanting to do medicine / science second. he said doing it the other way around (as he did) makes more sense because then you actually have content / stuff to be philosophical about. anyway... that has been going round and round my head for years now... and when i ran into him i told him this. and he seemed surprised. and said 'did i say that?' then he seemed thoughtful about it. like he never really thought on it before... maybe i remember the oddest things.
i thought i would be able to hunker down and work on my thesis this summer. like i did last summer. like i have done many times ago... for this and that conference. this and that seminar. for my masters thesis. but something in me has just kind of sort of gone ENOUGH!!! and i... the whole thing seems like a nebulous cloud... that one could spend ones life altering bits of. push a bit here and that bit over there pops out. round and round we go. getting stressed. not really making things better. that is how it feels. what's it for??? i... ENOUGH!!
so instead i've been... going a bit mad doing nothing, honestly. playing computer games. posting (obviously). watching sh*t on tv.
that last one is good, actually. it means my noise sensitivity is back to normal (for me). back to what it was when i was in australia. i couldn't make 'normal person noises' in my room... since i moved to this country... so hypersensitive to others being hypersensitive to me...
cooking. eating. feeling blubbery. i think part of that is just... being female. feeling... like one is always somewhat spilling out of things. soft rubbery squishy body. jiggly. needs... compression gear to hold it together... only... i've started to develop an aversion to the coolish wetish feel of it... i'm not sure what is to be done... aside from eating a lot less, of course... only... i really do enjoy food. the textures the tastes the smells - sorry phillipa. :(
i have some study stuff for next year... they have put up stuff we can do to prepare... questions that take you through a bit of an outline. and of course i've found past years exam papers... but i... i... well i've done some... but i've had enough for the moment. school will start soon enough and we will go through it together as a class. i don't want to... kill my enjoyment of it by being over-prepared...
this summer i want to see about getting to every f*ck*ng 'and this is how we use the library' class the library has to offer. they do a bunch of stuff... time management etc etc etc. all this sort of stuff... the earlier you do it the better i reckon.
i do want to finish my thesis. one day. but not right now. i... can't face it right now. i'm tired of working on it. round and f*ck*ng round we go. i'm sick of it. i want to get off. I f*ck*ng well did work on it. over the years. i've done heaps of work. really. i feel like a f*ck*ng lazy slacker always but i always did work intense periods and then days off to recouperate. so... i'm allowed to take days out to huddle in bed or play stupid games or whatever. it was just that i stopped showing people work... because i knew they would hate it. and round and round i would go... and, well... i'm sick and i need to get off.
i hope this goes better for me. i can't do round 2. not like that. i... don't think i'll end up in quite this mess again... but i still feel.. so much guilt... for not having sorted this out...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1057345
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20131211/msgs/1057345.html