![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on May 5, 2012, at 19:58:21
I'm going through the worst depression in a decade. For the past few weeks my brain was just producing non-stop misery. I had physical symptoms as well-- headaches, constant muscle cramps, dizziness. It's breaking up a bit. It went from constant pain to numbness. Today I even felt some glimmers of pleasure.
I'm so mad at my mate for being clueless about it. Every time I try to tell him I'm not feeling so good lately, he responds with one of those textbook awful responses. Like asking me "what happened?" as if I'm going to be able to point to some cause "what are you unhappy about?" and the worst "what would it take to make you happy?"
So I quit trying to answer the question "how are you" with any honesty at all. But I really don't think I'm hiding it too well. He calls today, says in a sing-songy voice "how ya doin?" ... "are you having a good day so far?" ... "are you doing anything fun?"
Look I know I'm distorting things right now, but it's as if he's aggressively trying to prod me into reporting some fake happy state, and aggressively ignoring what's in front of him.
I'm about to snap! I realize depression is probably incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't experienced it. Heck, I even forget what it feels like after a while. But can anyone be that clueless? Can he truly not notice any difference? I can't believe it. I'm forming judgements about him, that he's willfully refusing to see me right now.
It seemed like a miraculous thing to have a mate who's pretty cheerful and happy. I don't normally attract such creatures. Turns out it's a mixed blessing.
I can't think of anything to say to him that's true and isn't contemptuous and mean.
Posted by Phillipa on May 6, 2012, at 10:20:31
In reply to I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by Tabitha on May 5, 2012, at 19:58:21
That is a problem. And this time I have no advise. As each time I suggest someone here it's met with a no. I just want to have fun. And if get angry it's met with let's end it. So I just don't know. I do wish this wasn't happening to you though. Phillipa
Posted by Tabitha on May 6, 2012, at 12:46:23
In reply to Re: I resent my mate's cluelessness » Tabitha, posted by Phillipa on May 6, 2012, at 10:20:31
Thanks Phillipa. No advice needed. Just wanted some understanding, even though I believe it's not really so helpful to go gripe about a relationship outside the relationship. I'm in a bind, mad at him for not seeing, but afraid if I push it and make him see, he'll be repelled.
Sorry you're feeling unappreciated on the board.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on May 6, 2012, at 15:26:03
In reply to I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by Tabitha on May 5, 2012, at 19:58:21
I am experiencing the exact same thing currently, and this month is our 10th anniversary. I don't know whether to scream (takes too much energy) or cry (yup)...
commiserations.
pc
Posted by gadchik on May 6, 2012, at 18:27:51
In reply to I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by Tabitha on May 5, 2012, at 19:58:21
When I had my worst episode I felt invisible to all.My husband and I have been together for 22yrs,and he just didnt get how depressed I was.I was always the one who never got sick,always went to work,so even tempered,easy going.Then IT happened and I was down,very,very down.I ended up just leaving,going to stay at mom's.When he came home,and realized what happened,he finally understood.I came home,and he took care of me,such good care.I never knew how nurturing he was until that time.I hope yours realizes how bad you need him to understand.I remember telling mine that I felt like a crushed insect on the sidewalk,waiting to die.I got well and I hope the same for you.
Posted by sigismund on May 6, 2012, at 18:27:53
In reply to I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by Tabitha on May 5, 2012, at 19:58:21
>So I quit trying to answer the question "how are you" with any honesty at all.
A decade ago I resolved never to answer that question with anything other than 'All right'.
That isn't good enough for them though.
So I get 'Just all right?' to which I reply 'Yep' while I think 'You wouldn't want to be suicidal round here'.'No use complaining' sounds a bit sulky but is nicely accurate.
Then there is what people who are dying of cancer say when asked.......'Fair to middling'.
You wouldn't want to let yourself go, would you?
Posted by Tabitha on May 7, 2012, at 3:46:16
In reply to Re: I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by sigismund on May 6, 2012, at 18:27:53
Thanks babblers. I talked with the mate and am feeling quite a bit better. Things seemed bleaker than they were.
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2012, at 20:19:46
In reply to Re: I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by Tabitha on May 7, 2012, at 3:46:16
Isn't that so often the case in relationships?
:)
(Although I've had a few times that I come away wishing I had no clue what my husband is thinking.)
Posted by emmanuel98 on May 11, 2012, at 19:21:58
In reply to Re: I resent my mate's cluelessness » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2012, at 20:19:46
My husband was terrible when I first started getting depressed about 3-4 years ago. Snap out of it. You're making yourself depressed by thinking about it too much. When I was in the hospital after coming very close to killing myself -- a real man, he said, would just commit suicide and not whine about it. (I'm not a man, but I got the gist). What helped a lot was having him finally, after begging and begging, meet with my p-doc. He really liked him and recognized that I didn't just do to therapy to "whine."
Also, I slipped into a really severe, didn't get out of bed for a month, depression and my husband was alarmed and spent a lot of time back and forth on the phone with my p-doc. I have gotten better, thanks to meds, therapy with my p-doc and DBT therapy and my husband recognizes this and now, if I slip and lock myself in my room for a day or two, he is empathic and keeps in contact to make sure I am OK.
Posted by Tabitha on May 12, 2012, at 1:50:13
In reply to Re: I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by emmanuel98 on May 11, 2012, at 19:21:58
Hi,
I'm glad you were able to advocate for yourself and find a way to get your pdoc to help you get your husband's understanding.As bad as I get, I've never been to the "can't get out of bed" state. This last episode was remarkable to me in that I didn't really have the physical fatigue at all. It was just non-stop toxic thoughts and feelings.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on May 14, 2012, at 22:22:11
In reply to Re: I resent my mate's cluelessness, posted by Tabitha on May 7, 2012, at 3:46:16
Same here. The world turns.Whaddya know.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.