Posted by Tabitha on May 5, 2012, at 19:58:21
I'm going through the worst depression in a decade. For the past few weeks my brain was just producing non-stop misery. I had physical symptoms as well-- headaches, constant muscle cramps, dizziness. It's breaking up a bit. It went from constant pain to numbness. Today I even felt some glimmers of pleasure.
I'm so mad at my mate for being clueless about it. Every time I try to tell him I'm not feeling so good lately, he responds with one of those textbook awful responses. Like asking me "what happened?" as if I'm going to be able to point to some cause "what are you unhappy about?" and the worst "what would it take to make you happy?"
So I quit trying to answer the question "how are you" with any honesty at all. But I really don't think I'm hiding it too well. He calls today, says in a sing-songy voice "how ya doin?" ... "are you having a good day so far?" ... "are you doing anything fun?"
Look I know I'm distorting things right now, but it's as if he's aggressively trying to prod me into reporting some fake happy state, and aggressively ignoring what's in front of him.
I'm about to snap! I realize depression is probably incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't experienced it. Heck, I even forget what it feels like after a while. But can anyone be that clueless? Can he truly not notice any difference? I can't believe it. I'm forming judgements about him, that he's willfully refusing to see me right now.
It seemed like a miraculous thing to have a mate who's pretty cheerful and happy. I don't normally attract such creatures. Turns out it's a mixed blessing.
I can't think of anything to say to him that's true and isn't contemptuous and mean.