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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2010, at 20:04:30
Well I don't ask for help much but feel so guilty all the time if can't do what someone asks. My youngest Daughter with the baby never is in contact unless she wants something. Out of the blue it's oh by the way would you take care of the baby sun, and other days as Bobby has a job and I have to work only from l pm to 9:30 pm and you can do your ebay here. Just feed her, change diapers, put to bed. I need you til I get a Mon-Friday 9-5 job. Now we do ebay and very unconventional hours work from about at home 5-3am with eating, feeding dogs inbetween. Need two computers as husband does the photos and touches color on his sends pics to my computer and I do the research and listings. Meanwhile stopping to eat. Before that we are out at the stores and post office and packing stuff. And people write questions wanting a measurement or some question and we have to have our items here. We can't leave here our animals and give up our only source of income. I said no and I'm beating myself up and no med can help. Any suggestions on we moved here as she threatened that she with her then husband were going to have babies and I better come or never a relationship again. So we moved. Sold our house got another. Divorced her then husband got pregnant and now is this my problem. And recently all she does the baby is scream and throw temper tantrums and they think this is fine. Please help. Thanks Phillipa
Posted by maxime on October 28, 2010, at 20:04:31
In reply to Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else, posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2010, at 13:44:19
Did you mean to place this on the med board?????
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2010, at 20:04:31
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else, posted by maxime on October 22, 2010, at 18:06:04
Yes figure about the same as jobs and this is the only board anyone posting on. Guilt affects anxiety horribly. I'm OCDing on this Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2010, at 20:04:32
In reply to Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else, posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2010, at 13:44:19
since I'm pretty sure Dr. Bob would redirect it anyway.
Here's a link...
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100907/msgs/966614.html
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2010, at 20:04:32
In reply to Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else, posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2010, at 13:44:19
I think I remember that Dr. Bob said that it would be ok to put a message on a more active board asking people to respond to a message on a less active board. He'd just like the discussion to take place on one board, the most appropriate one.
Forgive me, Dr. Bob, if I am remembering incorrectly.
Posted by 10derHeart on October 28, 2010, at 20:04:32
In reply to Board activity » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 22, 2010, at 21:48:06
He did say that - quite recently, too.
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:28
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
> Well I don't ask for help much but feel so guilty all the time if can't do what someone asks. My youngest Daughter with the baby never is in contact unless she wants something. Out of the blue it's oh by the way would you take care of the baby sun, and other days as Bobby has a job and I have to work only from l pm to 9:30 pm and you can do your ebay here. Just feed her, change diapers, put to bed. I need you til I get a Mon-Friday 9-5 job. Now we do ebay and very unconventional hours work from about at home 5-3am with eating, feeding dogs inbetween. Need two computers as husband does the photos and touches color on his sends pics to my computer and I do the research and listings. Meanwhile stopping to eat. Before that we are out at the stores and post office and packing stuff. And people write questions wanting a measurement or some question and we have to have our items here. We can't leave here our animals and give up our only source of income. I said no and I'm beating myself up and no med can help. Any suggestions on we moved here as she threatened that she with her then husband were going to have babies and I better come or never a relationship again. So we moved. Sold our house got another. Divorced her then husband got pregnant and now is this my problem. And recently all she does the baby is scream and throw temper tantrums and they think this is fine. Please help. Thanks Phillipa
Your daughter always has the right to ask you to do something.
You certainly have the right to say no or to say yes.
She then can, if she chooses, decide to cut off communications with you.
If it were me, I'd be inclined to say no. I never find it all that tempting to pursue relationships based on my usefulness to the other person. Unless she also is useful to you, or there is more to the relationship?
It's very sad to have a relationship with a loved one come to that. But you are, or you should be, more than a free babysitter.
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:28
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 22, 2010, at 21:43:43
Thanks Dinah that's how I also feel. When out today discussed with two others who also said they would say no. Then Greg talked with the neighbor when I was bike riding she said the same. I really do not like takers. As all I ever did was give. Phillipa
Posted by gardenergirl on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:29
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2010, at 22:08:19
Hi Philippa,
That sure sounds like a difficult situation. On the one hand, I can see how a grandmother might look forward to spending time with her grandchild, and might not want to do anything that could jeopardize that relationship. But on the other hand, I can see how it might feel like you are being taken advantage of, and I would certainly resent that. I guess if it were me, I'd try to consider the potential benefits to me, which might include things like spending time with the grandchild, helping out your daughther, feeling useful, among others. And then I'd try to weigh that against the potential costs, perhaps aggravation, feeling used, being physically or emotionally tired, losing the time you spend doing your work, etc. If the pros outweigh the cons, then perhaps agree to babysit. If the cons outweigh, you have the right to say no for whatever reason. You don't even have to offer an explanation, just that you are not able to at this time.I know that this is easier said than done, especially when you add in all the emotional "baggage" that can come with family relationships, but if you try to view it as a simple request with costs and benefits, it might make it easier to navigate this with your daughter.
good luck!
gg
Posted by maxime on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:29
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else » Phillipa, posted by gardenergirl on October 23, 2010, at 21:09:42
> Hi Philippa,
> That sure sounds like a difficult situation. On the one hand, I can see how a grandmother might look forward to spending time with her grandchild, and might not want to do anything that could jeopardize that relationship. But on the other hand, I can see how it might feel like you are being taken advantage of, and I would certainly resent that. I guess if it were me, I'd try to consider the potential benefits to me, which might include things like spending time with the grandchild, helping out your daughther, feeling useful, among others. And then I'd try to weigh that against the potential costs, perhaps aggravation, feeling used, being physically or emotionally tired, losing the time you spend doing your work, etc. If the pros outweigh the cons, then perhaps agree to babysit. If the cons outweigh, you have the right to say no for whatever reason. You don't even have to offer an explanation, just that you are not able to at this time.
>
> I know that this is easier said than done, especially when you add in all the emotional "baggage" that can come with family relationships, but if you try to view it as a simple request with costs and benefits, it might make it easier to navigate this with your daughter.
>
> good luck!
>
> gg
GG has given you excellent suggestions.When I read your original post it sounds like your daughter is emotionally black mailing you and I don't like that. Maybe you could meet with her to set some guidelines that you both can work with.
The last sentence of your orginal post cofused me. You said the husband is pregnant. Did you mean that the husband got another woman pregnant?
So you moved away on purpose to be away from your daughter? Wow! Things must have been bad.
Do you still see a therapist? Maybe he/she can help you set boundaries and guidelines that won't make you feel guilty. If not, you could come up with some yourself and bounce off ideas here in the forum.
Personally I think this thread should be moved to psychology. You will also get more response. Maybe you could contact a mod to change it.
Take care.
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:29
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else » gardenergirl, posted by maxime on October 24, 2010, at 14:46:16
Maxie no she won't even marry this guy just wants him there to wait on her like a Princess which he does. He's not pregnant sorry. Well today was the first day and I'd already written her with Greg let her know we could not do this and it is emotional blackmail. I love how you stated this. Since writing this post many IRL people have said they would do the same refuse. On lady I know told her Son not to consider having kids as she would not be available to babysit. Never babysat as a kid. Just didn't like it. Did once that was it. Phillipa
Posted by floatingbridge on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:30
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on October 22, 2010, at 22:08:19
Phillipa,
How would you be able to even keep that commitment with what your own life demands? Along with the term emotional blackmail, I am struck by the either/or presentation. Either watch your granddaughter full or zip. That type of proposition sets up everyone for failure. Would she consider a counteroffer from you? I'm so sorry Phillipa. Sounds like
your daughter is difficult to have a relationship with. This isn't commenting on the distress you feel standing by while Your grandbaby is yelled at. I can see why this one situation is triggering you--it's quite thorny. :(Hugs to you.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 28, 2010, at 20:06:30
In reply to Re: Guilt IF Can't Do What Someone Asks Anyone Else » gardenergirl, posted by maxime on October 24, 2010, at 14:46:16
> GG has given you excellent suggestions.Thanks Maxie. As always, wishing you health and happiness.
gg
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