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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
Well, well, well. See my doctor tomorrow. I'm telling him he has 3 more chances at giving me a life or I'm checking out.
I told a friend in an email that I don't want to hurt anyone but this is my life. I've suffered enough, more than anyone I've ever known. Everyone left behind will have to deal with it, I'm past the point of caring.
In the past 25 years I've probably had sex as many times as I had in 6 months before meds...and it wasn't that great.
I remember a serial rapist that the authorities wanted to do a chemical castration on. Human rights organizations went crazy saying it was cruel and unusual punishment.
I rest my case.
My life is no life and it hasn't been for decades.
When and if he gets me out of this, the same side effects will be there. I may be a happier idiot but, in reality, nothing will change,
They fried my mothers brain with ect and they will not do that to me. If they forced it on me and after I got my leftover half a brain working, it would give me the energy to pick up a 357 magnum. Dr. dead, Phil dead.
Believe it or not, I'm not angry right now. This is not anger, it is what it is. Nor am I suicidal right now. Yet.
Rant over.
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 28, 2009, at 18:05:47
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
What I hear more than ever is anger. You didn't ask for any of this waking horror. At the least, you deserve some peace in your head, in your life.
I'm still pulling for you. You're a tough old nut.
(I'm a tender old nut.)
pc
Posted by Deneb on July 28, 2009, at 18:54:20
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
If meds haven't helped, have you tried therapy Phil?
A combination of both is the best.
I hope you feel better.
Bipolar isn't all biological. Therapy can help too.
Posted by henrietta on July 28, 2009, at 19:19:01
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
I hear and understand. They fried my mother's brain, too, with ETC. For years. My brother, who is bipolar, brilliant, a songwriter, musician, has tried to kill himself 3 times. He nearly succeeded the last time, but now he's glad he didn't. He's VERY glad he didn't, though he's unemployed, essentially homeless, and probably hasn't had sex in at least 10 years. He's about 3 years older than you, by the way. But he's glad he came through.
I agree that one has the right to end it if the suffering is too much, but what about giving this old life just a bit more of a chance? There's still a chance that you will come out the other side and be glad you're alive to listen to Steely Dan, or Amy, or Billie, or the Kinks, or the Pretenders??? Squeeze? Or whomever you love most. (Neville Brothers, Duke Ellington, Errol Garner, Al Green, Otis, Satchmo, Manuel Galban, Iris DeMent, Leonard Cohen?)
I'm sorry this is inadequate. Wish I could do more. Please just give it a bit more time.
Henrietta
With
Posted by Sigismund on July 28, 2009, at 19:20:42
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
>I've been on about 80 meds over 25 years. Thousands of different combo's, I estimate.
Geez, 3 more's not a lot, given that.
>When and if he gets me out of this, the same side effects will be there. I may be a happier idiot but, in reality, nothing will change,
So that's the best it got?
>They fried my mothers brain with ect and they will not do that to me.
Same here.
It's a worry.
Posted by obsidian on July 28, 2009, at 19:36:49
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
but you are "so, so, so sick right now", you know that right? and that you are going to get better? you are Phil, I honestly believe it...I really, really do...
again I ask the question on these boards: Did you notice my name is obsidian? Phil, I am not the most optimistic and trusting of souls, but I love honesty.
Posted by Deneb on July 28, 2009, at 19:37:53
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
Hey Phil,
Henrietta is right, most people who survive suicide attempts are very glad to be alive a few years later. Maybe try focusing on the good things you do have, instead of all the things you don't. I read somewhere that the secret to happiness is gratitude. Just spend a few moments each day really being grateful for the things you do have, clean drinking water, a roof over your head, the ability to feel emotions, even negative ones, your family and friends.
I'm not trying to minimize your suffering, I'm just trying to help you see the good in your life.
Think of life as a journey, your own unique story. It'd be pretty boring if there was only good parts in it right?
(((((((((Phil))))))))))))
I hope you pull through this. I hope you make it.
Posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 20:04:58
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » Phil, posted by Deneb on July 28, 2009, at 19:37:53
Posted by obsidian on July 28, 2009, at 20:46:24
In reply to I'll be alright (nm), posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 20:04:58
alright now...where is your pdoc?
-sid
Posted by hyperfocus on July 28, 2009, at 21:39:15
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
Don't have much to offer except that other people too experience the chronic pain and grief over lost things that long-term chronic mental illness causes. A lot of times I ask myself why me and not anybody else has to go through all this.
I feel the same way you do a lot of days. I'm rational about it: X years of suffering > Y years of being well. With no end in sight. Seems like the rational thing to do.
Ok you're rational. But these are also rational things:
1. There's a difference between not feeling pain and not feeling anything. What you want is to accomplish the former by the latter but they're not compatible.
2. What difference does 3 chances make compared to 5 or 50 or 300? When you're gone will any of these numbers matter?
3. We're all heading there. So what difference does it make if we go now or a hundred years from now?
Don't mean to lecture you and not gonnna tell you whether what you want to do is right or wrong, just want to point out that it's not rational.
Posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 22:00:54
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » Phil, posted by hyperfocus on July 28, 2009, at 21:39:15
Seriously, gonna be OK. I'm living in a place that's easy 90 degrees inside. Talk about nuts and nowhere to go.
We're in a serious drought and massive lakes are sinking faster than Amy can down a bottle of tequila.
Some of these lakes are 1600 feet deep and it's like someone just flushed the toilet.
Every summer(and this one is bad) I think about leaving Texas, but then I come to my senses.
Leave Texas, my *ss.
Posted by social on July 28, 2009, at 22:42:31
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 22:00:54
"Every summer(and this one is bad) I think about leaving Texas, but then I come to my senses.
Leave Texas, my *ss."Now there's the Phil we all know and love here.
((Phil)) You're a good egg.
So many others have written such wise things I can only add "me too" to their lovely sentiments.
I'm really pulling for you.
Posted by gobbledygook on July 28, 2009, at 22:54:39
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 22:00:54
> Seriously, gonna be OK. I'm living in a place that's easy 90 degrees inside. Talk about nuts and nowhere to go.
>
> We're in a serious drought and massive lakes are sinking faster than Amy can down a bottle of tequila.
>
> Some of these lakes are 1600 feet deep and it's like someone just flushed the toilet.
>
> Every summer(and this one is bad) I think about leaving Texas, but then I come to my senses.
> Leave Texas, my *ss.**************************************************************
((Phil)),
Glad to hear you sounding much better! I've been thinking of you, and hoping you'd say that you're okay by the end of the day.
The heat affects me as well...almost 100 where I am! Let us know how your appointment goes tomorrow.Stay safe and *cool*, Phil. Yes, you definitely are a good egg! :)
Ava
Posted by Tabitha on July 28, 2009, at 23:37:36
In reply to 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 17:47:45
I hear you, buddy. I truly hope you'll pull through this, but for what it's worth I'd forgive you for deciding enough is enough. You've fought a long hard fight. But please keep fighting a bit longer, OK? The summer heat will break.
Posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 23:41:39
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » Phil, posted by gobbledygook on July 28, 2009, at 22:54:39
It's so hoooottttttt. 11:30 and sleep is totally impossible.
That was my favorite thing about the psych ward. They kept it freezing at night. It was wonderful.
Never shaved cause someone had to watch. I heard one girl request someone to watch her shave so I volunteered. Nope.
The way young girls are now, you really don't know, like, where they're shaving. : O
I really don't get that. Maybe tattoo ink caused a switch in priorities for them. I don't really want a 29 year old that looks like she hasn't hit puberty yet. To me it's kinda sick. Not as bad as those freaks that have stretched their earlobe so big you can put a radial tire in it.I'll save that for another day.
Posted by Tabitha on July 28, 2009, at 23:46:41
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 23:41:39
You need an A/C... but I'm sure that's stating the obvious. Not sure I can comment on the shaving issue without it being TMI. I guess anything but the bald or near-bald look is terribly out of style now. I blame porn.
Posted by gobbledygook on July 28, 2009, at 23:52:07
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Phil on July 28, 2009, at 23:41:39
> It's so hoooottttttt. 11:30 and sleep is totally impossible.
>
> That was my favorite thing about the psych ward. They kept it freezing at night. It was wonderful.
>
> Never shaved cause someone had to watch. I heard one girl request someone to watch her shave so I volunteered. Nope.
>
> The way young girls are now, you really don't know, like, where they're shaving. : O
> I really don't get that. Maybe tattoo ink caused a switch in priorities for them. I don't really want a 29 year old that looks like she hasn't hit puberty yet. To me it's kinda sick. Not as bad as those freaks that have stretched their earlobe so big you can put a radial tire in it.
>
> I'll save that for another day.
Interesting observations and preferences, Phil.You must be feeling better...
LOL!
Ava : )
Posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 0:08:07
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger, posted by Tabitha on July 28, 2009, at 23:46:41
Everybody in Texas has AC's. Mine are giving up. It's too hot for them too.
We're talking 105 today at at 10, it's still 100.
And August is our hottest month.
I may just spend a few nights in a motel 6 for relief. Plus I miss luxury accommodations.
Posted by Tabitha on July 29, 2009, at 0:13:19
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » Tabitha, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 0:08:07
What with global warming, maybe we should all move 500 miles further from the equator.
A few nights in a hotel sounds nice. Sometimes I'm tempted to do that just for the daily housekeeping & fresh linens :)
Posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 0:26:34
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » Phil, posted by gobbledygook on July 28, 2009, at 23:52:07
I am. I done got pissed off. I'm climbing back up the mountain. I'm tired of worrying people to death. I live for me, but I an nothing without them.
One of my brothers has terminal cancer. He's had chemo so many times I've forgotten. He never, ever, ever complains. He always sent me gifts when I was little. My favorite was a Don Drysdale baseball glove when I was in Little League(I'm weeping)He's the definition of will, strength, patience and kindness. He bloody well won't go this alone.
(I think I found the center of my pain. I can't see the screen)
I don't want to lose him, I wanted to go first.
So, I finally hit pay dirt.
At least these tears cool me off and the dam broke big time.
I don't want to lose my brother.
Posted by gobbledygook on July 29, 2009, at 0:56:57
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » gobbledygook, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 0:26:34
> I am. I done got pissed off. I'm climbing back up the mountain. I'm tired of worrying people to death. I live for me, but I an nothing without them.
>
> One of my brothers has terminal cancer. He's had chemo so many times I've forgotten. He never, ever, ever complains. He always sent me gifts when I was little. My favorite was a Don Drysdale baseball glove when I was in Little League(I'm weeping)He's the definition of will, strength, patience and kindness. He bloody well won't go this alone.
>
> (I think I found the center of my pain. I can't see the screen)
>
> I don't want to lose him, I wanted to go first.
>
> So, I finally hit pay dirt.
>
> At least these tears cool me off and the dam broke big time.
>
> I don't want to lose my brother.Oh ((Phil))
I didn't know about your brother...I understand.
You're in so much pain...I'm so sorry...((Phil)) We're all with you...and we care about you...Ava
Posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 1:08:35
In reply to Re: 3 more chances doc and that's it / trigger » Phil, posted by gobbledygook on July 29, 2009, at 0:56:57
The source of my anger today. Could have contributed to suicide attempt, I dunno.
I finally broke through. I sent the post to my brothers.
I'm wrecked but god was this necessary.
I love him.
TY Ava
Posted by henrietta on July 29, 2009, at 8:49:40
In reply to Re: TY, tears are just pouring » gobbledygook, posted by Phil on July 29, 2009, at 1:08:35
God, I'm so glad you broke through. So glad, so thankful.
Henrietta
This is the end of the thread.
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