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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 28. Go back in thread:
Posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2009, at 18:09:39
In reply to Re: Where does one go to meet people? - Dating. » SLS, posted by Dinah on February 21, 2009, at 17:01:00
Scott what are your interests? Find if for instance you still work out a gym is a good place. Common interests. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on February 21, 2009, at 18:32:16
In reply to Where does one go to meet people? - Dating., posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 15:19:16
Hi Scott,
I think all the above ideas sound good.
In a club (say you were interested in photography, or hiking, or something), or something like that, you can be with a group of people who enjoy the same thing. Then you can be enjoying an activity & at the same time, getting to know some people & see if there's anyone who you're interested in. In a non-pressured way.
hugs, Kath
Posted by garnet71 on February 21, 2009, at 18:42:57
In reply to Where does one go to meet people? - Dating., posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 15:19:16
This appears to be a resourceful way to meet those with common interests:
I've always wanted to try Meet Up groups, but never had the extra time yet so I can't really vouch for it. Maybe someday I'll give it a try.
Posted by Bobby on February 21, 2009, at 21:40:40
In reply to Where does one go to meet people? - Dating., posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 15:19:16
the point being ---just out there! Love hangs out everywhere. Take some chances----don't let the fear of rejection freeze your life and don't marry your computer. Everybody has made some great suggestions---but Theory never trumps practical application.
Posted by SLS on February 22, 2009, at 7:05:13
In reply to The corner of Peachtree and 10th street, posted by Bobby on February 21, 2009, at 21:40:40
Thanks, Bobby.
Maybe I should do what Albert Ellis did. He walked through the Bronx Botanical Gardens and forced himself to talk to 100 women over a one month period. The only thing is, he never got a date. He sure got over his shyness, though.
Okay, maybe I'll leave the Ellis method to his Rational Emotive Therapy.
I am really no longer shy around women as I had been earlier in life. It was less of a desensitivity thing and more of a cognitive resolution that, logically, I would not meet anyone if I didn't go up to anyone to meet. I got brave in a hurry using a few mental gymnastic moves I had learned. Now, if I'm interested in someone, I am not afraid to go up to them and begin a conversation spontaneously.
Still, it seems as if all the good ones are taken.
:-(
- Scott
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2009, at 15:02:53
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street » Bobby, posted by SLS on February 22, 2009, at 7:05:13
> Still, it seems as if all the good ones are taken.
>
> :-(
>
>
> - Scott~ ~ ~Hi Scott - there are TONS of women saying the same thing!!! Some lady is out there & when you two find each other, she is a very fortunate woman, I think!!! You have some qualities which a lot of women would almost kill for! Sensitive, good sense of humour, open, honest, comfortable talking about feelings - just for starters!
When I was on my own, I was told "don't miss the tree because of the forest" or some such quote.
It meant not to necessarily think I had to look really far. It turned out to be true. After joining a single parents' group (where I've never felt so lonely in my life); doing a few newspaper ad meet-for-coffees, I decided I wanted to go out to hear some live jazz. I didn't have my 'ex' to go with & didn't want to go alone. I contacted a friend from a meditation group, who accompanied me. It wasn't 'love at first sight'. It WAS eventually love! We've now been married 15 1/2 years!
:-)) Kath
Posted by DG77 on February 23, 2009, at 15:16:05
In reply to Where does one go to meet people? - Dating., posted by SLS on February 21, 2009, at 15:19:16
Have you considered dating websites? There are some that cost no more than your membership here, i.e., they're free. :) plentyoffish.com is one with a ton of members, and it's getting bigger all the time.
Posted by Kath on February 23, 2009, at 17:20:28
In reply to Re: Where does one go to meet people? - Dating., posted by DG77 on February 23, 2009, at 15:16:05
> Have you considered dating websites? There are some that cost no more than your membership here, i.e., they're free. :) plentyoffish.com is one with a ton of members, and it's getting bigger all the time.
My 32 year old daughter met her fiance on one of those sites. Both of them were really specific in what they were looking for. Neither of them thought they had a hope of finding someone on the internet - at a dating site, of all places. They're both interested in self-development & almost 'new-agey' spiritual development - I don't know how to explain it.
Anyway, they found each other!
Kath
PS - someone who posts on here once in a while met her husband of years online. My next-door neighbour met her lovely husband online.
Posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 19:02:41
In reply to Online sites - Dating., posted by Kath on February 23, 2009, at 17:20:28
Kath, one of my college buddies met a guy online and they just bought a beatiful home together. They are very happy. It was by chance; he and his friend put the ad up just playing around; my friend happened to 'catch' him right at that time.
Just a warning though, esp. to women: After hanging out at an abuse survivor forum for a while-I noticed many of us had one thing in common: our ex's trolled online dating sites for women usually before they met us, while they were with us, and some met us that way. (I would imagine abusive women do the same thing--its just the survivor group was 95% women).
Of course you can meet an abusive person outside the internet; its just your chances of hooking up with a predator are greater online simply because of logistics, although other factors are involved. This way, they often meet dozens of women in one day; while in person, its not so easy. They are able to sort though all of the women and find those with characteristics that make them easier prey, and also have more ability to select according to attractiveness.
Another thing to consider is that without the social cues of body language and other things you are accustomed to filtering, its tougher to utilize your intuition (ex: somethings 'off' about him/her; internal warnings). Without using all of your senses, your assessments are not going to be the same. Then you might get attached before you meet them in person. However, this could work to one's benefit, especially if you want to mentally befriend someone, get to know each other in just that context, before physically meeting them.
Some red flags of online predators, although not inclusive of abusive people:
- Ads on multiple sites
- Falling fast and intense-ex. falling in love with you after only 2 weeks
- Remain on dating sites for long periods of time (2 years)
- Always comes up first on the search engine (usually the search engines are structured to output those with the most online activity).
- Lie about their age and other indicatorsPlus, there are sooo many married people on those sites; there are specific sites for those who are married and have special relationships; I'm talking about the ones who represent themselves as single. There are tons of these. Not to criticize those with sex addictions (but some of us don't want to enter relationships with those who have such addictions), but there are tons of sex and love addicts on those sites. I personally know this to be true, but if you look at the comments on womens' profiles (as I had caught my ex on those sites), you'll find a lot that say things like "if you are here for cybersex, nude photos, etc, do not bother to respond to my ad."
I've only dabbled with online dating here and there. I probably would try it again when I feel ready to date. I still prefer to meet people the old fashioned way, but am open to online dating. If I were to become interested in someone online from a dating site, it would probably have to be someone new to online dating, rather than someone whose been around those sites a while. I'm a bit biased, but there is alot of truth in this.
This is very bizarre, but I have to mention it. About 9 years ago, I put an online dating ad up. I was not serious about it; kept the ad up for 2 months; dated one guy for a few months and that was it. The very first day I posted that ad, my current ex, then my soon to be bf, contacted me/responded to my ad. I didn't like him at all. Well, wouldn't you know, just a few months later, I ended up working for the same organization as him--and that's how we met. This was a career sector I had never thought of working in before, and it was really strange how I ended up with that job w/o the applicable experience and jumping through hoops to do the application. It wasn't until a year after we started dating that I saw the picture of his online ad that responded to me a year ago--put 2 and 2 together--and realized it was the same guy!! That freaked me out.
Just be careful!!!!!!
Posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 19:15:13
In reply to Online sites - Dating., posted by Kath on February 23, 2009, at 17:20:28
The biggest dating red flags:
1. Calls their ex "psycho" even if joking
2. Cell phone/blackberry behavior - guards their cell phone; won't take calls while you are with him/her; always shuts off or leaves it in the car when at your home
3. Freguent hang up calls, wrong numbers
Posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 19:40:39
In reply to Online sites - Dating., posted by Kath on February 23, 2009, at 17:20:28
3. Calls you his/her "soul mate" in a short time
4. Listen to what they say about themselves when joking or making small talk (ex. "I'm a lousy boyfriend; I never knew how to be a good boyfriend in the past")
5. Actions don't match words - hugeThen there are those who read those seduction books to get women, some with advanced linguistics techniques. Scary stuff.
Some may not reveal them at the beginning, but some do - if you are overcome by attraction, chemistry, feeling high...you could easily overlook them.
Sorry, just don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else-especially those who might be fragile right now...
More infor. about red flags:
http://sweetcardomom.wordpress.com/2008/12/07/daily-om-paying-attention-to-red-flags/
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
As observed by others:
Warned me in the beginning that he gets bored easy
Rushed the relationship
Was way too nice, almost perfect.
Doesn't seem to have any close, "real" relationships--with friends or family
All of his ex's were 'nut jobs'
Had two cell phones
Used the sympathy ploy like a fine chiseled tool.
made the statement "I was once a real dog. I have never gotten so attached in any relationship that I could not walk away from any woman at any time" - I chose to believe that this meant he had changed... simply because he said so.
Seemed to mimic me, in my body language and my way of speaking.
Has many children but never talks about them.
Talked about himself pretty much 100% of the time
Says he functions just like a computer. Stores and remembers everything for a later date.
Borrowed a substantial amount of money from me on three occasions within the first three months of the relationship.
Told me up front he had a history of being a compulsive liar and a cheater -- but that was the "old him" and he would never do that to me.
Wanted to be engaged to me and living with me within the first few weeks of dating me.
Wanted to buy me a gift (gold and diamonds) on our first date.
Asked me if I would consider marrying him just 2 weeks after we met.
Had to work 18 hours a day for the first 6 months we dated
My refrigerator reminded him of his mother's .... and he thought that that was a sign from heaven that we were meant to be together
Couldn't hold an intelligent conversation (I didn't care - I was in-love )
Props some on a pedestal; shreds others to pieces....esp. if they are more successful than he is. Those on the pedestal are often corrupt.
Likes to say, "you're the only one who understands me, has my phone number, etc..." Trying to make me "feel special".
He tells different versions of the same story to different people, in front of me, without even realizing it. Even changes his story when I am the only one he has told!
The biggest red flag was when I left to go on a conference and he was insanely jealous. Out of nowhere. No history of being jealous - it just popped out.
Another similar flag was when his old girlfriend came into town for tennis and he called me up to humbly ask permission to play. ??? He never needed "permission" to do anything.
We met on the internet and he wanted to meet me right away.
He wanted to have sex the first night
Told me all his deep dark secrets right away including drama on his exes (i should have ran then)
Presents himself as more dignified, more respectable, more holier than the rest
Everyone on their first day thinks he is the boss (despite title) because he makes impression he is the real one in charge**
REALLY aggressive sexually - pursued me and persevered through a long period of time. When I started dating him, he said, "If I had known you were this wonderful, we would have been dating a lot sooner." It was because I made him food.
Crazymaking, right from the beginning.
Into fashion and really vain, into his car and clothes and skin
Name-dropper and revealed details to have himself be perceived as wealthy, which he was not
Played horrific jokes on people, usually involving exlax or something similar.
Argues in such a way (really convincing) to make people think things are their fault.Treated me like a child for the smallest of infractions to his rules. I fell for this one a very long time.
Had a horrific childhood and the story was awful and was used to gain sympathy from many people, even the recently met.
Has been obsessed with my weight since the beginning of our relationship.
Hypersexual, but really distant, didn't look in my eyes. I just thought it was because he was damaged. He was, but I felt sorry for him and thought I could love him through his problems.
Our very first date was 24 hours after we met. By the end of that date he had me. Not only was I 'in love"(lol) , I felt overwhelming pity at how he was so 'abused' by everyone in his life-including his 2 previous ex wives....
Appears to be a highly involved father of his 10 year old girl. Hasn't ever missed one single time with her in 7 years and goes above the norm with her(I thought this was good compared to others I've seen/heard).
Didn't know what his sister meant when she looked at me in a casual conversation and said "DON'T let him do that to you" I was thinking "Don't let him do what to me?"
Overlooked major family rifts thinking no family is perfect.
He spoke critically of everyone who lived around him, they all were lower then him and had the problems, not him
Would never answer his own phone, Never!
Bragged about himself.
The xN in the beginning wanting to know everything about me, I told him a lot.
Pushed the relationship very fast in the beginning then brought it abruptly to an end.
Called me every day, even when on holiday.
Took offence to the suggestion that this was too much.
Was jealous when I praised friends, was jealous of my achievements, belittled or undermined them to make himself look better.
Thought nothing of making unilateral decisions that would negatively affect my life, arguing but I thought that our love was strong enough. What about me?
Seemed very closed-minded to those of different backgrounds no attempt to relate.
Passed judgement on my mother's mental health problems before even meeting her, and told me he saw similar tendencies in me.
Ignored my attempts to get him to express more positive criticism
He hated planning things, arguing that he liked to be 'spontaneous'.
His actions never matched his words!
Be condescending to the waitstaff
Authority issues - all doctors are quacks, all judges & police are corrupt. He knew better than any "expert". Looked down on anyone working class.
Had lost lots of jobs due to "evil" colleagues and bosses
Really rude to shop assistants and enjoyed seeing their reaction
His use of violent language and penchant for violence in film.
I went into complete and utter denial over his sexual pecadillos. His abusive and bizarre sexual taste was a major red flag.
I made allowances for much of his abusive behavior because I put it down to "cultural differences.
I always knew he was a prick from day one, it wasn't until I almost left him and he had a breakdown that I KNEW he wasn't right.
If you're in the dark about their past, you qualify as their Next Victim, and they proceed to the next step...
Posted by SLS on February 23, 2009, at 19:50:17
In reply to Re: Online sites - Dating., posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 19:40:39
Gee, Garnet, I thought you would have forgiven me by now.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on February 23, 2009, at 19:52:20
In reply to Re: Online sites - Dating., posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 19:40:39
But seriously,
Thanks for all of your insights. Good stuff.
- Scott
Posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: Online sites - Dating. » garnet71, posted by SLS on February 23, 2009, at 19:50:17
I don't get the joke?
Seriously, though...I can't be the only one that didn't know there were abusive people that were stealth, covert, ambient, and subtley protracted...all while being the 'nicest' people in the world...until it happened to me. I learned the hard way. It cost me 8 years of my life, my self-esteem, and almost my sanity. I just hope I can offer insight to others who may someday be in my situation.
Posted by SLS on February 23, 2009, at 20:43:03
In reply to Re: Online sites - Dating. » SLS, posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 20:31:22
> I don't get the joke?
Straight forward silliness. Sorry if it didn't come off that way.
- Scott
Posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 21:18:20
In reply to Re: Online sites - Dating. » garnet71, posted by SLS on February 23, 2009, at 20:43:03
oh-I see the silliness...it just didn't seem to be in context with what I posted, but I see now. ha ha
Posted by JadeKelly on February 23, 2009, at 23:16:22
In reply to The corner of Peachtree and 10th street, posted by Bobby on February 21, 2009, at 21:40:40
> the point being ---just out there! Love hangs out everywhere. Take some chances----don't let the fear of rejection freeze your life and don't marry your computer. Everybody has made some great suggestions---but Theory never trumps practical application.
Bobby's right. I'm sorry computer, I must go, I hope we can still be friends. Now don't cry!! Stop that!!
~Jade
Posted by Kath on February 24, 2009, at 13:45:57
In reply to Re: Online sites - Dating. » Kath, posted by garnet71 on February 23, 2009, at 19:02:41
Good points. That's amazing about your 'ex'!
My daughter & fiance first did online chatting, then talk on telephone, then met in person (lived almost 3 hours apart), then got those camera things on computer & chatted that way. She was living at our house then due to health problems of Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, so we invited him to our home. Then he'd come out here for some weekends. She couldn't go there due to his former use of incense & a former partner's use of "Glade Plug-ins" air deodorizers.
Anyway, they had quite a long time to get to know each other gradually. They had to do various things at his house (paint with no VOC paints, replace carpets with ceramic tiles, etc. & they now live together.Happy story, but yes, it seems like online dating could be like walking through a land-mine field!!
Thx for telling & giving those suggestions.
:-) Kath
> Kath, one of my college buddies met a guy online and they just bought a beatiful home together. They are very happy. It was by chance; he and his friend put the ad up just playing around; my friend happened to 'catch' him right at that time.
>
> Just a warning though, esp. to women: After hanging out at an abuse survivor forum for a while-I noticed many of us had one thing in common: our ex's trolled online dating sites for women usually before they met us, while they were with us, and some met us that way. (I would imagine abusive women do the same thing--its just the survivor group was 95% women).
>
> Of course you can meet an abusive person outside the internet; its just your chances of hooking up with a predator are greater online simply because of logistics, although other factors are involved. This way, they often meet dozens of women in one day; while in person, its not so easy. They are able to sort though all of the women and find those with characteristics that make them easier prey, and also have more ability to select according to attractiveness.
>
> Another thing to consider is that without the social cues of body language and other things you are accustomed to filtering, its tougher to utilize your intuition (ex: somethings 'off' about him/her; internal warnings). Without using all of your senses, your assessments are not going to be the same. Then you might get attached before you meet them in person. However, this could work to one's benefit, especially if you want to mentally befriend someone, get to know each other in just that context, before physically meeting them.
>
> Some red flags of online predators, although not inclusive of abusive people:
>
> - Ads on multiple sites
> - Falling fast and intense-ex. falling in love with you after only 2 weeks
> - Remain on dating sites for long periods of time (2 years)
> - Always comes up first on the search engine (usually the search engines are structured to output those with the most online activity).
> - Lie about their age and other indicators
>
> Plus, there are sooo many married people on those sites; there are specific sites for those who are married and have special relationships; I'm talking about the ones who represent themselves as single. There are tons of these. Not to criticize those with sex addictions (but some of us don't want to enter relationships with those who have such addictions), but there are tons of sex and love addicts on those sites. I personally know this to be true, but if you look at the comments on womens' profiles (as I had caught my ex on those sites), you'll find a lot that say things like "if you are here for cybersex, nude photos, etc, do not bother to respond to my ad."
>
> I've only dabbled with online dating here and there. I probably would try it again when I feel ready to date. I still prefer to meet people the old fashioned way, but am open to online dating. If I were to become interested in someone online from a dating site, it would probably have to be someone new to online dating, rather than someone whose been around those sites a while. I'm a bit biased, but there is alot of truth in this.
>
> This is very bizarre, but I have to mention it. About 9 years ago, I put an online dating ad up. I was not serious about it; kept the ad up for 2 months; dated one guy for a few months and that was it. The very first day I posted that ad, my current ex, then my soon to be bf, contacted me/responded to my ad. I didn't like him at all. Well, wouldn't you know, just a few months later, I ended up working for the same organization as him--and that's how we met. This was a career sector I had never thought of working in before, and it was really strange how I ended up with that job w/o the applicable experience and jumping through hoops to do the application. It wasn't until a year after we started dating that I saw the picture of his online ad that responded to me a year ago--put 2 and 2 together--and realized it was the same guy!! That freaked me out.
>
> Just be careful!!!!!!
>
>
Posted by JadeKelly on February 24, 2009, at 17:48:21
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street » Bobby, posted by JadeKelly on February 23, 2009, at 23:16:22
Posted by BayLeaf on February 24, 2009, at 20:23:24
In reply to The corner of Peachtree and 10th street, posted by Bobby on February 21, 2009, at 21:40:40
I Googled Peach Tree and 10th. I saw a guy on a bike and 2 aimless pedestrians. Did I miss the man of my dreams? I always wanted an aimless man. Oh wait, I already had one of those.
Bay
Posted by Bobby on February 25, 2009, at 0:23:19
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street » Bobby, posted by JadeKelly on February 23, 2009, at 23:16:22
The corner of Peachtree and 10th Street was once ajoke among People from Atlanta. There was a good c hance of picking up a hooker. however, the historical significance is that it's the address of the house where Margret Mitchell wrote "Gone with the wind.". I think it's a museum of sort now. you can look it up on Wikipedia.
Posted by JadeKelly on February 25, 2009, at 21:47:52
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street, posted by Bobby on February 25, 2009, at 0:23:19
> The corner of Peachtree and 10th Street was once ajoke among People from Atlanta. There was a good c hance of picking up a hooker. however, the historical significance is that it's the address of the house where Margret Mitchell wrote "Gone with the wind.". I think it's a museum of sort now. you can look it up on Wikipedia.
Okay, thats it. I give up. I tried. Actually I have two dates coming up, but I'm not gonna like it!! This is the first time I've been alone, and I could get used to most of it. The next one I'm not gonna marry, were gonna have lotsa se* and lotsa fun, and if and when he takes me for granted I'll just kick him out of bed, tell him to pack up his toys, and go home. Permanently.
Posted by Bobby on February 25, 2009, at 23:51:52
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street, posted by JadeKelly on February 25, 2009, at 21:47:52
I'm unclear as to your meaning---whether joking around or reading something in between the lines. It was an off hand remark(most of mine are-BTW). I didn't have any hidden meaning--only wanted to point out that love knows no boundries or limits. you can meet your soulmate at the grocery store, laundry mat, wedding or funeral----anywhere but sitting at home waiting for a knock on the door. I never knew true love until I quit looking so hard for it. Look for a good friend---you'd be amazed where it can lead(as long as you give up control and don't expect it!). Keep Goggling and wikipedia surfing Bayleaf!
Posted by JadeKelly on February 26, 2009, at 23:56:28
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street » JadeKelly, posted by Bobby on February 25, 2009, at 23:51:52
First few sentences joking (Peachtree was my last hope) But the rest is true, or its BS and I know it. I'm not worried about finding a date, I just really really stink at knowing what they are like once the honeymoon is over. Thus my brilliant plan: If they stop being nice, a quick exit, no fuss. Divorce is horrible, I never wanna do it again. EVER. People are just nicer when they know they are there because they want to be, sad but true. At least for me.
I'll invite you to the wedding, next June good for you?
~Temporarily Jaded ;-)
Posted by elanor roosevelt on March 6, 2009, at 22:27:26
In reply to Re: The corner of Peachtree and 10th street » Bobby, posted by JadeKelly on February 26, 2009, at 23:56:28
for a few years i was the queen of the one-hour coffee date
very long hours most of them
i just don't get a good read online
and i hate the phone
i did meet one of my favorite friends on one of the more risque sightsbut i don't date
i get out and meet people all the time
i wonder if all the years on the meds have closed that doorall that said, i'm a 57 y/o women and we are not in big demand
This is the end of the thread.
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