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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 16:34:57
What a whirlwind lately. My step daughter abruptly moved out - cause for celebration, meh... not. The circumstances weren't the most pleasant, she hasn't come back for her gear, she never showed up at her mom's where she was expected to make a transitional move... and when she dropped off the key to the house, she wouldn't look me in the eye nor, indeed, acknowledge me at all.
Ouch. That hurts. And I know that I didn't do anything to deserve it.
But I'm going forward, even if she's in limbo, somewhere. I packed up her stuff, after she didn't show up when she said she was going to. And didn't return the phone calls asking where we could deliver her stuff to. I dutifully packed it all up. I got on my hands and knees and cleaned the carpet of all her messes. Picked up the coins she had scattered all about the room, and put those in my wallet, thankyouverymuch.
I lit a sage smudge bundle, and invited the fear and uncertainty that had lived in my home for the last couple of months to leave the premises.
I felt failure, that I had somehow failed my step daughter. That one passed. I felt angry, I felt sorrow, I felt relief, I felt pain, I felt free. I had my space back to ourselves. I was able to move a bunch of stuff back into that room that I had stuffed into my bedroom while she had been living with us. I twirled around , my arms outstretched, jubilant at the reclaimed space. I cleaned my nest, and felt guilty for being "house proud."
My mother, whom I have in the past accused of abandoning me in my childhood, was bewildered at my expression of failure. Well, she would, wouldn't she? And yet - and yet - my sense of failure was misplaced. That whole leading a horse to water thang. I had this troubled woman (NOT a child, as I had been, not the same at all) in my home, and I had given her the resources, the tools, to help rebuild and shape her life; yet she chose to do nothing. Her choice - not mine. It wasn't mine to do, wasn't mine to choose, either.
In the end, she made the choice to move out, really, by picking up the phone when she should not have.
(Where am I going with this? I'm sorry, I'm rambling.)
My back has been hurting and my headaches are bad.
I went to see an acupuncture and chiropractor doctor whom I've not seen in a couple of years. It's slow going, but we're getting there. My issues with my mother are also my issues with my step daughter - no surprise, really.
I took a great deal of deliberation to chose a Tarot deck to replace one that I had cast aside 10 years ago. I chose a Zen Tarot deck, appropriately enough. I cast a simple spread for myself for today, and as always, the cards simply affirmed what I already know. That the bitter and the sweet of our lives come at the same time, not one after after another. That I am taking joy in tending my house, just as I am sorrowful that a troubled woman has left it. It's all of a oneness.
And that's where I am today. I think I'm going to take a bath and soak. And sing as loudly as I can, because I can. And I will also cry.
Posted by toph on September 3, 2008, at 17:06:03
In reply to What a jumble, and yet it all fits in, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 16:34:57
After all the drama, the rejection, the hurtful exchanges, your step-daughter leaves knowing inside that you cared about her and endeavored to make a safe and loving home for her. Whatever dynamics you may have explained elsewhere, I know you a little bit pc, and I am certain you tried. I also know that irrational feeling of failure in the face of all your efforts as I too have described before when I had to leave my children. Know that under the veneer of rebellion and bitterness, deep inside, are the vestiges of your concern and gifts of parenting that she will use to find her place in the world. Hopefully she may acknowledge your contributions to her character and even perhaps thank you someday in some subtle way. I hope your husband appreciates how much you tried with your daughter and doesn't feed into the inevitable but unjust failure you feel.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 3, 2008, at 17:19:46
In reply to What a jumble, and yet it all fits in, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 16:34:57
Well, if insight is a mechanism (or at least impetus?) to change, you've got it. It's not something that you could pass along to SD. Well, one wishes to knock sense into a noggin, but really it's self-sense that's lacking.
I'm sorry that you've got physical pain. Does psychical pain and physical pain often coincide for you? Well, I think you're doing awesome to take good care of it, even if it feels like you're going backwards at times.
You stretch your arms out a little more, and spin a little harder. It will be good for those back muscles, I bet.
-Ll
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 17:49:20
In reply to Re: What a jumble, and yet it all fits in » Partlycloudy, posted by toph on September 3, 2008, at 17:06:03
I cry a little harder for feeling all of this, I think. And wish that I would and couldn't feel at all.
Thanks for posting Toph. They are so seldom and such gifts.
pc
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 17:55:05
In reply to Re: What a jumble, and yet it all fits in » Partlycloudy, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 3, 2008, at 17:19:46
> Well, if insight is a mechanism (or at least impetus?) to change, you've got it. It's not something that you could pass along to SD. Well, one wishes to knock sense into a noggin, but really it's self-sense that's lacking.
>
> I'm sorry that you've got physical pain. Does psychical pain and physical pain often coincide for you?Yes! ALWAYS.
Since ever I can remember I have had pain of memory.
Migraine, anxiety, stress, they are all my companions in my life so far. And I wish they would get their own ticket!
Well, I think you're doing awesome to take good care of it, even if it feels like you're going backwards at times.
>
> You stretch your arms out a little more, and spin a little harder. It will be good for those back muscles, I bet.
>
>
> -Ll((((Llurpsienoodle)))) I miss you
Posted by Kath on September 3, 2008, at 18:07:12
In reply to Re: What a jumble, and yet it all fits in » llurpsienoodle, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 17:55:05
Posted by Phillipa on September 4, 2008, at 13:23:42
In reply to Re: What a jumble, and yet it all fits in » llurpsienoodle, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 17:55:05
PC even my own kids are living their own lives it's a different generation. Very selfish at least mine are. Great that you got your space back. Phillipa
Posted by WaterSapphire on September 6, 2008, at 9:35:15
In reply to What a jumble, and yet it all fits in, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 16:34:57
And what you have written makes perfect sense...
Hope your singing and tears find balance...
Peace
Chelle
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