Posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2008, at 16:34:57
What a whirlwind lately. My step daughter abruptly moved out - cause for celebration, meh... not. The circumstances weren't the most pleasant, she hasn't come back for her gear, she never showed up at her mom's where she was expected to make a transitional move... and when she dropped off the key to the house, she wouldn't look me in the eye nor, indeed, acknowledge me at all.
Ouch. That hurts. And I know that I didn't do anything to deserve it.
But I'm going forward, even if she's in limbo, somewhere. I packed up her stuff, after she didn't show up when she said she was going to. And didn't return the phone calls asking where we could deliver her stuff to. I dutifully packed it all up. I got on my hands and knees and cleaned the carpet of all her messes. Picked up the coins she had scattered all about the room, and put those in my wallet, thankyouverymuch.
I lit a sage smudge bundle, and invited the fear and uncertainty that had lived in my home for the last couple of months to leave the premises.
I felt failure, that I had somehow failed my step daughter. That one passed. I felt angry, I felt sorrow, I felt relief, I felt pain, I felt free. I had my space back to ourselves. I was able to move a bunch of stuff back into that room that I had stuffed into my bedroom while she had been living with us. I twirled around , my arms outstretched, jubilant at the reclaimed space. I cleaned my nest, and felt guilty for being "house proud."
My mother, whom I have in the past accused of abandoning me in my childhood, was bewildered at my expression of failure. Well, she would, wouldn't she? And yet - and yet - my sense of failure was misplaced. That whole leading a horse to water thang. I had this troubled woman (NOT a child, as I had been, not the same at all) in my home, and I had given her the resources, the tools, to help rebuild and shape her life; yet she chose to do nothing. Her choice - not mine. It wasn't mine to do, wasn't mine to choose, either.
In the end, she made the choice to move out, really, by picking up the phone when she should not have.
(Where am I going with this? I'm sorry, I'm rambling.)
My back has been hurting and my headaches are bad.
I went to see an acupuncture and chiropractor doctor whom I've not seen in a couple of years. It's slow going, but we're getting there. My issues with my mother are also my issues with my step daughter - no surprise, really.
I took a great deal of deliberation to chose a Tarot deck to replace one that I had cast aside 10 years ago. I chose a Zen Tarot deck, appropriately enough. I cast a simple spread for myself for today, and as always, the cards simply affirmed what I already know. That the bitter and the sweet of our lives come at the same time, not one after after another. That I am taking joy in tending my house, just as I am sorrowful that a troubled woman has left it. It's all of a oneness.
And that's where I am today. I think I'm going to take a bath and soak. And sing as loudly as I can, because I can. And I will also cry.
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:850111
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080816/msgs/850111.html