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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on July 22, 2008, at 20:50:58
I thot it was possible he would actually hurt me really bad or really 'not here anymore' bad.
He is in my house and yells 'GET IN YOUR BEDROOM AND DON'T COME OUT'; kept doing.
Entire day of criticism and yelling and he seemed different somehow; never before did he treat me this way.
Asked what wrong, what bothering, but would his face looked like you would think of the devil.
Found one of my belongings in his things.
I have asked for fam' support, but just one daughter came by today to take me to see pdoc and so upset pdoc just cancelled it w/o telling me and was going to try augment the 300mg Eff-XR and hopefully find some feeling of well-being.
Now alone, again, (He said this too!) Told me know one cared about me.
Need TALK DOWN plzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I hate me tonight.
talk-down plz, 5f
Posted by Fivefires on July 22, 2008, at 23:27:33
In reply to Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on July 22, 2008, at 20:50:58
Just want let know 'am dizzy and sort of sick to stomach'.
I have always run 'low' blood pressure.
I'm on no diff' meds.
Take .75 levothyroxine every a.m.
Not clue what's happening.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2008, at 23:48:01
In reply to SAME SUBJECT W/ ADDENDUMS, posted by Fivefires on July 22, 2008, at 23:27:33
Five Fires slow down a bit and explain a bit more. Sounds like trouble at home and you are not feeling well at all. You know babble is here to support you. Still on the effexor and did the doc give you something to calm you down? Got your mail and was a bit confused. Did you press charges? Are you safe? Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2008, at 23:59:51
In reply to Re: SAME SUBJECT W/ ADDENDUMS » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2008, at 23:48:01
Okay so the pdoc didn't see you? When did this happen. Take deep breathes. Isn't you family member there anymore? So you are alone. Are you safe? Love Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on July 23, 2008, at 10:40:30
In reply to Re: SAME SUBJECT W/ ADDENDUMS, posted by Phillipa on July 22, 2008, at 23:59:51
Fivefires,
You sound terrified, but you're still reaching out for help. This is very good. Make sure that you reach out to the right people. That might include the police if you are being assaulted or verbally threatened. If you are medically or psychologically unstable, maybe you should go to emergency department, just to be on the safe side. It would get your pdoc's attention, at the very least.Thinking of you,
-Ll
Posted by Kath on July 24, 2008, at 20:14:09
In reply to SAME SUBJECT W/ ADDENDUMS, posted by Fivefires on July 22, 2008, at 23:27:33
Hi Hunnee,
Please be safe. I am very concerned about you.
Please call the police if you need to. Is there a Women's Centre near you at all? I think this would be very important - a good source of support for you. Often they have counsellors who will talk with women!!
If you want to babblemail me your town, I could try to find if there's a crisis women's centre there.
(((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))))))
love, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on August 11, 2008, at 15:28:28
In reply to Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo » Fivefires, posted by Kath on July 24, 2008, at 20:14:09
I'm here,what's left of me. Eff-XR on own not helping, ... obviously. Ummm, so much has and hasn't happened. Got inpatient only to suffer more. Home now and paperwork to do and decisions to make. I am not s**cidal you all ... but often it feels like my body ? is. So tired. Can't do much at a time. This 'episode' can't get worse. I see pdoc tomorrow. Been two mos. He no-showed last mo.
Hope all well & I'm really so sorry been unable to touch base ... just weak, an episode let 'run wild' just took me down ....
5f
Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2008, at 20:18:51
In reply to Re: Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo, posted by Fivefires on August 11, 2008, at 15:28:28
Five Fires did you see a pdoc in the hospital how long inpatient? Sorry you're feeling so weak did they the hospital offer any explanation for that? Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on August 11, 2008, at 20:40:03
In reply to Re: Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo, posted by Fivefires on August 11, 2008, at 15:28:28
Dear FF,
Thx for letting us know how you're doing.
You're in my thoughts. Sorry you've been going through so very much,
luv, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2008, at 21:03:40
In reply to Re: Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo » Fivefires, posted by Kath on August 11, 2008, at 20:40:03
And you're back from vacation was it good? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on August 12, 2008, at 15:20:35
In reply to Re: Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo » Kath, posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2008, at 21:03:40
Things/I bad ...
Posted on social
MIND TELLING BODY TO SHUT DOWN (?)
Pls see
thanks all, 5f
Posted by Kath on August 14, 2008, at 17:37:00
In reply to Re: Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo » Kath, posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2008, at 21:03:40
> And you're back from vacation was it good? Love Phillipa
*******yes - it WAS. I feel way better. Will put a post in a new thread. xo Kath
Posted by Fivefires on August 17, 2008, at 15:52:07
In reply to Re: Keep us up to date!!! xoxoxo » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on August 11, 2008, at 20:18:51
> Five Fires did you see a pdoc in the hospital how long inpatient?>
I went inpatient for four nights. Assigned pdoc never met. Knew soon, this pdoc not for me. Asked for another but same showed up next day. Didn't care for her bedside manner or her plan.
I didn't go there to detox. At this same facility there is a ward for this, w/ more medical staffing, monitoring, and meds used for discomfort, etc., so if I'd been there for detox off all meds (I was told you must d.c. all meds not just some of them.(?), I'd have gone to this unit?) This wasn't why I wanted to go inp. at this time.
I went there to see a diff' pdoc and maybe get a second opinion re: my depression medication regimen. But, this pdoc zero'd right in on my anxiety meds, which I didn't want touched! I have great fear since body shutdown 2005.
After Klonopin cold turkeyed and rec'd an email asking me to remove the few belongings left from what used to be my home, I suffered a real horrible shutdown, .. saved by Valium.
Anyway, back to now.
I was on Xanax-XR 1mg a.m. (Why does bottle say 150mg? I thought it was 1mg.) and Xanax 2mg q.i.d. My pdoc here had added the Xanax-XR about 6mos ago or more; not sure; lose track of time.
Pdocs here are against two benzodiazepines. I'd asked my pdoc here if I could do Klonopin to keep a steady undercurrent hold on my anxiety beneath Xanax 2mg b.i.d., but since he wouldn't use to diff. benzos, he used the XR form of Xanax.
Anyway that's what I was on for my anxiety when I arrived inp. now two wks past.
What pdoc did was cold turkey me off all Xanax and prescribe 1mg Klonopin t.i.d., then last day q.i.d. I was thinking ... wait this is wrong; too much of a difference even though they are both benzos; they're different benzos.
This is all she did and I just suffered.
I'd asked about augmenting the Effexor-XR w/ something, perhaps amitriptyline or nortriptyline, and was going to name a couple more (Remeron, Lamictal), when she said, 'I'd never give either of those to a suicidal person'. At one point when she kept looking at her paper and asking me questions, I asked her to please look AT ME. (Hate it went they do this!) At one point she said 'well if you don't want to do this, I don't see any reason for you to be here' and, I responded 'that's not a very nice thing to say to an ill patient' (You guys proud of me?)
Let's see, I was explaining how I was being treated and I think it is because of the following:.
It is very hard to get inp. here. You're always told to go to an ER. (I have before. Once EMTs said 'you know they'll just send you home'. Other times THEY DID!) You must be suicidal, homicidal, or psychotic. So, I went straight to the facility. I'd been calling for mos and always told 'no beds'. I sort of played 'the s card' and complained of the major depression not relieved by Effexor-XR alone. Think playing 'the s card' was what got me in. I know it's awful, but here that's the only criteria anymore, but as you've read above, it then interfered with treatment, I think.
I knew a pdoc there and asked for this pdoc as had seen before and was very good.
Oh, my pdoc here had added in the Xanax-XR, whoops, already said above I believe, maybe not, about 9mos ago; dunno for sure.
Reminds me of when pdoc at hospital said 'there's no difference in 1mg of Xanax-XR and 1mg regular Xanax. I thought 'Whose the crazy one here?'
Day before I left, AMA, inp., techs reported me sleeping in afternoon, which I was. Pdoc attributed it to the Klonopin. It was because I'd not opted to take my Provigil (Whoops forgot to mention to you all I'm on this as well.)because was suffering such horrible anxiety from this benzo withdrawal and I felt the Provigil might worsen my breathing and heart rate etc. But did she bother to ask me why I slept; no. Did she look in my chart to see I'd not taken Provigil; nope.
The pdoc changed the Klonopin regimen to 1mg 1/2mg 1mg 1/2mg a day.
I came apart at the seams!! I wrote about it, my request for titration off Xanax denied, request for another doctor not followed up, the suffering caused by this benzo switch; I signed and requested pdoc sign, which pdoc did, but docs don't seem to care anymore if they get a complaint here and there. I have it for my own security if should need in future.
I said 'I want to be discharged now'. I was discharged AMA. I couldn't wait to get out of there and back on my pdoc's regimen.
Not sure if said above: Pdoc refused my request titrate down off Xanax, and, for another pdoc. Asked for another pdoc; still same pdoc next day.
It was after being on Klonopin and having it cold-turkeyed in 2005, I had a 'body shut down' and was inpatient, and saved by Valium. (I'm not sure if I said this above.)
>Sorry you're feeling so weak did they the hospital offer any explanation for that?>
No they didn't. I got my labs and they had circled about five things and they didn't even discuss them with me. They didn't see to it that I was eating properly. Treated me like I wasn't important enough to spend much time on!(?)
But, like I posted on social, my mind telling my body to S L O W D O W N F O R A W H I L E, I think hits the nail on the head.
Ya' know what though? I feel better having arrived at this knowledge. It sort of gives me hope. It's as if I just need a rest.
My pdoc has me back on Xanax, but now,
Xanax-XR t.i.d.
Xanax 1mg t.i.d.I'm feeling better, but, that's with the Provigil (Oops forgot to mention above.). This scares me a bit. My pdoc didn't want me to d.c. it at this time though.
And, I'm so lucky. He's seeing me again in 'one month'!!! That's a big deal when you're used to every 90days.
Maybe the hospital stay did 'shake things up a bit L'.
I feel like my cognition isn't too great, so let me know pls, constructive criticism, whatever, if I leave something out, forget something any of you asked me to address.
I'd rather my cognition a bit impaired than the continual hyperventilating!
>Love Phillipa>
Tks Phillipa and all.
Wholuvs&tksuall?
5f
Posted by Fivefires on August 17, 2008, at 16:21:30
In reply to Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on July 22, 2008, at 20:50:58
Forgot to address the issue of sig-other.
He REALLY 'WAY' WASN'T HIMSELF.
Would have left but he couldn't find his keys, which later I saw were lying right out in the open.
I had to leave, was scared, and he wasn't leaving.
I called police and asked they remove him from my place while I wait in my car downstairs. Once he was in their car, I came back in. I very easily get scared when someone raises their voice or shows signs of 'the rage of my ex-husband'.
Unfortunately, he had something dry and green in a box on the floor when this officer came into my home and asked him to come back in and open it.
So he got a charge for this.
But, I think it might have been an illegal search, as he, sig-other, was outside already and cooperating.
I didn't give him permission to search my home.
I just asked they see sig-other leave.
Will see.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2008, at 20:29:52
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on August 17, 2008, at 16:21:30
Five Fires sounds like a horrible ordeal but you are back on the xanax right? both long acting and short acting any antidepressant or did they stop that? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on August 23, 2008, at 11:05:47
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown' » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2008, at 20:29:52
> Five Fires sounds like a horrible ordeal>
Brought back a lot of bad memories.
but you are back on the xanax right? both long acting and short acting>
Yes.
>any antidepressant or did they stop that?>
No, I've stayed on Effexor-XR at 300 mg for a few weeks and do seem to be feeling a bit better.
Love Phillipa
tks 5f
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 23, 2008, at 11:22:52
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on August 23, 2008, at 11:05:47
5f, I'm glad the effexor is working for you. Slowly-- it takes time to recover from a crisis. Are you getting better at taking care of yourself?
hugs
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on August 23, 2008, at 19:10:56
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on August 23, 2008, at 11:05:47
So your'e out and about again? Family cooperating? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on August 25, 2008, at 16:14:54
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown' » Fivefires, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 23, 2008, at 11:22:52
> 5f, I'm glad the effexor is working for you. Slowly-- it takes time to recover from a crisis. Are you getting better at taking care of yourself?
>
> hugs
> -LlLl - No!? I need my "Mommy" "Daddy" "Blankie", ... the words/the beings/the protection/the direction, I had as a child. Silly; I know. Embarrased; oh yeah. Honest; way! I've had years of being 'a leader', not a following sucking my thumb and pulling along my blankie. Who is me? That or this?
I feel, I mean, really *FEEL* A LOT, TOO MUCH! And, it hurts, so I guess it's negativity coming ... 'into me' v. 'from me'.
I need guidance, but there is no one IRL to turn to for this.
I think it's just a matter of waiting this out. Truly I believe it is possible to overcome and rise above this.
I just feal I could make the 'stuuupid/foolish' wrong turnl when one is presents to me.
Does this make any sense?
I need a hand to hold, not necessarily to lead me, for I can still lead at times, but just a hand, the 'someone has my back' hand.
thisistheworst
tks Li,
5f
Posted by Fivefires on August 25, 2008, at 16:17:32
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown' » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on August 23, 2008, at 19:10:56
> So your'e out and about again? Family cooperating? Love Phillipa>
No; pretty much the opposite.
I'm beginning to hyperventilate after just attending to a bit of the activities of daily living, 'in my house', so lie down a bit.
tks Phillipa, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on August 25, 2008, at 19:57:29
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on August 25, 2008, at 16:17:32
No problem. Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on August 28, 2008, at 11:21:39
In reply to Re: Vabuse/ 911/ but fam *Mad At Me?* Need'TalkDown', posted by Fivefires on August 25, 2008, at 16:14:54
> > 5f, I'm glad the effexor is working for you. Slowly-- it takes time to recover from a crisis. Are you getting better at taking care of yourself?
> >
> > hugs
> > -Ll
>
> Ll - No!? I need my "Mommy" "Daddy" "Blankie", ... the words/the beings/the protection/the direction, I had as a child. Silly; I know. Embarrased; oh yeah. Honest; way! I've had years of being 'a leader', not a following sucking my thumb and pulling along my blankie. Who is me? That or this?
>
> I feel, I mean, really *FEEL* A LOT, TOO MUCH! And, it hurts, so I guess it's negativity coming ... 'into me' v. 'from me'.
>
> I need guidance, but there is no one IRL to turn to for this.
>
> I think it's just a matter of waiting this out. Truly I believe it is possible to overcome and rise above this.
>
> I just feal I could make the 'stuuupid/foolish' wrong turnl when one is presents to me.
>
> Does this make any sense?
>
> I need a hand to hold, not necessarily to lead me, for I can still lead at times, but just a hand, the 'someone has my back' hand.
>
> thisistheworst
>
> tks Li,
>
> 5f
>
>Hey Li ... I hope you didn't take my No!? as ... No! Don't ask!
I've been thinking about it and thought I'd better say something. Sometimes no inflection is worse than too much.
Your support is always appreciated.
I was sort of 'No! apostrophy'ing myself'. Like, I just can't dig down into the fortitude I once had and pull it off, getting going again.
Labs show I have very low iron, low B12 progesterone testosterone. Think it's CFS. When I brought it up at PCPs office he acted as if I'd asked a question he'd wished I hadn't, saying 'yes you probably have it, but so what, there's no cure'. He's running Epstein-Barr titers. Is EB the same as CFS? Just can't sit here so long anymore, but will do some more research.
Did a bit and ran into a thread by someone we've lost and was pretty upset.
This would make sense, as the intensity of the fatigue is larger than the depression I feel cognitively.
I have another thread going about Effexor-XR and/or its use in California Rocket Fuel. W/o Provigil can't get out of bed. The muscle in my legs is disappearing. I'm falling down, bruises all over. This began about the same time as went to 300mg (highest ever) of E-XR, so need talk to pdoc; is it fatigue or the E-XR ... dunno.
I keep trying to get IRL help from fam, but they say 'help yourself' when it is next to impossible besides maybe eating Grape-Nuts. A meditation/stretch class was be good, but not strictly yoga, couldn't do it. Have referral to hematologist for iron injections. Already on B12, but prob' not enough. Any info appreciated. Okay no cure, but there must be ways to help this. I am scared. A virus; something we cannot get rid of. So many people have worse I know. I think.(?)
So, hope explained Li, the No apostrophe question mark were aimed at myself, not you.
The man I was speaking about at the beginning of the post is my only real friend. I'd never have gotten to the doc yest' if not for him.
We all need a hand, I believe. Fam' must be tired of my ongoing 'unnamed' illness. I asked 'may I come and visit for a while?' and was told 'not now'. I'd love the feeling of having someone who loves me and I love under the same roof for a bit, a while. Think it would give me a better 'boost' than the kind in the can!
Haven't been online but a minute or so yest' and supposed to go to a student therapist this a.m. but don't think I've energy to get there.
This isn't good, but knowing what some of problem is will stop the dang' wonder/worry.
Tks Li/all
5f
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 29, 2008, at 7:34:14
In reply to Can't Take Care of Self; So Tired, EB?, posted by Fivefires on August 28, 2008, at 11:21:39
Hey 5F,
Sorry, I didn't see the earlier post--- no worries though. It must hurt so badly when there is nobody to share your pain with. :( I hope that you can manage to make it to the student therapist. That might be a relief?Take it one day at a time, keep posting.
gentle hugs,
-Ll
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2008, at 19:56:37
In reply to Can't Take Care of Self; So Tired, EB?, posted by Fivefires on August 28, 2008, at 11:21:39
Hi FF - I'm keeping you in my thoughts & send love.
I wish you didn't have to be going through this hun.
xoxo Kath
Posted by Phillipa on August 31, 2008, at 18:50:03
In reply to Can't Take Care of Self; So Tired, EB?, posted by Fivefires on August 28, 2008, at 11:21:39
Five Fires just did a search and eppstein barr is mono that should be reassuring not some horrible disease. Lots of Vita C and rest. Phillipa
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