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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
This past week I've been so depressed and unhappy, esp. at work. I finally realized its because I'm trying to let go of the fantasy of me and cute boy getting together. I guess that fantasy sustained me for quite a while. But its also kept me from actually living a real life. So I know right now is a painful, but necessary process.
I realize now that I've spent most of my life in a fantasy world, not really living at all. Its hard to let go of that comfort. I want a real life so bad, but its so hard, and so much easier to live in my perfect fantasy world. I think this may have started when I was a teenager and not in control of my own life and happiness.
So how do you get through life without the fantasy to retreat to?
I have serious doubts about whether I'll ever be able to live a normal life and have normal relationships with people. It just seems like I'm starting out too late in life.
I'm supposed to go bowling tomorrow after work with my co-workers (that includes cute boy). I'm thinking about not going. Now that my other friends who were a part of this group moved, its pretty much just me hanging out with him (the other guys aren't much in the way of conversation), and that feeds my fantasy. But its also one of the few times I get out and mingle with people. Plus it builds my friendship with him and gives us that much more of a connection. See there I go again! I'm hopeless.
I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
-T
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 27, 2005, at 19:55:57
In reply to Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
aww :-(
Maybe its better to just try to be friends for now. The more people you know the more connections you accumulate, and maybe cute guy has a cuter friend who isnt shy.
And Its never too late to start anything, and you should go tomorrow. Absoulutely dont miss it, but dont go with the expectation of anything happening except having fun. Give it time.
You are in control of your happiness now, and you know what you want. That is a step ahead of a lot of people. It takes time to change things, be patient with yourself.
Go have fun tomorrow and do not beat yourself up. If he is a no go there are lots of other fishies in the sea.
Posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 20:14:46
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by rainbowbrite on October 27, 2005, at 19:55:57
Thanks Rain, good advice.
I'm just kind of in a low right now and trying to pull myself out of it. That's the difference between me on meds and me not. On meds I can work my way out of the lows, when not its impossible. I get scared that I'm not going to be able to do it each time. I would never want to go back to where I was 10 years ago. That's the scarriest thing I can think of.
Hm-m-m - never thought about cute boy's friends. Very interesting thought...
-T
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 27, 2005, at 20:26:45
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 20:14:46
OMg I totally understand that! I notice that about not being on meds too.
But do go tomorrow. And ....always remeber about friends :-)
Posted by ClearSkies on October 27, 2005, at 21:25:55
In reply to Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
I read your post and realized that I don't fantasize any more like I used to. Now, if I want to think of what I want or to feel better about my current situation, I think towards the past. Whaty good experiences that I've had whose emotions I want to recapture? What horrible, wounding things happened that I want to make certain I don't repeat?
An exercise I was taught in EMDR treatment was to put myself emotionally in a past experience, and say how I feel about that event NOW. What do I think about that version of me and how she responded at the time? What would I do now if in the same situation? It was a very comforting experience as I learned that there aren'y many, if any, past experiences I've had that I would not change my actions about it they happened to me today.This really helped me see the progress I have made, and that I'm closer to the healthier, complete person whom I am working to become.
So when I think of past experiences, it might be with some whistfulness. I mostly treasure the memories as a record of who I used to be.
And I think of how the today me would respond in past situations.
And I derive a feeling of calm, contentness, and achievement when I look at feelings this way,just my rambling tonight.
CS
Posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2005, at 21:47:33
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on October 27, 2005, at 21:25:55
Cute guys are a dime a dozen. It's what's between their ears that really counts. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Declan on October 28, 2005, at 2:06:10
In reply to Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
I haven't read the thread soooo, anyway....With your fantasies I'd feel them, develop them, give them space and indulge them (you already have), and by accepting and living with them see if they provide you with spiritual guidance. They are your psychic energy working. They are not real. But they can live in you and if you just follow them along and let them change as stories should and do, then they will show you the way. That's what I'd like to be true.
Declan
Posted by lynn971 on October 28, 2005, at 14:36:09
In reply to Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
I hope that you feel better soon. I dont know what else to say.
luv ya,
Lynn
Posted by Declan on October 29, 2005, at 15:10:46
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed » TexasChic, posted by Declan on October 28, 2005, at 2:06:10
On what I said in my previous post? I've no idea if it's true, but I've given it a lot of thought and I think it might express something important about our relationship to our internal life, and where it might take us if we let/trust it. Integration? (Or maybe I'm simply saying where there is superego let there be Id?)
Declan
Posted by TexasChic on October 29, 2005, at 21:25:11
In reply to Would anyone like to comment » Declan, posted by Declan on October 29, 2005, at 15:10:46
Thanks for the responses and advice everyone. It gives me alot to think about.
Yesterday at work I had absolutely decided that I was NOT going. Then it occured to me that what I was really trying to do was get a response out of him. And from past experience this always backfires on me and makes me feel worse. Plus its manipulative and I don't really want to be that way. So I went. And we ended up having a blast. I kept telling him I was willing good vibes and positive energy in his direction (holding my forehead in deep concentration), and he bowled the best game of his life! It was pretty cool. Everytime he bowled, he would look back at me (and I was cheering and woohooing away). It felt like it was just the two of us there. We laughed about the terrible music the bowling alley was playing (every single song I ever hated in the 80's - literally!) And we talked indept about music in general, which I always felt was part of our connection.
Of course I bowled a 60, which is normal for me. I told him it was because I gave him all my positive energy. Actually I'm just really bad and can't seem to improve no matter how many times I go. I think I don't care enough to improve, I've never been very competitive. I told him once the only reason I came to these bowling things was to hang out with him (in a brave, and suprisingly sober moment). He just got real imbarassed and said thanks.
Anyway, despite the good time, I'm still determined that HE will have to make the move if he wants to take things to the next level. I've gone above and beyond. Otherwise, I guess I'll just enjoy the flirting and the fantasy.
I was depressed all week because I decided I needed to give up on him. But I realized I didn't have to give up, but to just make sure I have other things going on in my life so it doesn't become an obsession. I'm still working on that part.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on October 29, 2005, at 21:32:50
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on October 27, 2005, at 21:25:55
I think alot about how I would respond now to things that happened in the past. But it mostly makes me embarrassed of my inmaturity (I cannot spell tonight to save my life - everything looks like its spelled wrong. Some sort of dyslexia I guess). And it kind of makes me angry that anti-depressants weren't around back then, and how much of a difference it would have made in my life if they had been. But mostly I'm just so glad I'm not that miserable, doormat of a person anymore. And that DOES make me feel better.
Thanks for the advice!
-T
Posted by TexasChic on October 29, 2005, at 21:42:29
In reply to Would anyone like to comment » Declan, posted by Declan on October 29, 2005, at 15:10:46
All right! That's right along my line of thinking. I've become very philosophical since I've become older. That's an interesting theory that our fantasies reflect some part of our inner self that may be a little more on track. Its always been said to trust your instincts. I guess I just had it stuck in my mind that fantasies were an altogether bad thing, just avoiding real life. But there have been times that I've used those fantasies as fodder for what to say or do in certain situations (successfully I might add).
H-m-m, something to contemplate.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on October 29, 2005, at 21:44:06
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by lynn971 on October 28, 2005, at 14:36:09
That's okay, I really appreciate the support. Its nice to know there are people out there rooting for you.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on October 29, 2005, at 21:47:29
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by rainbowbrite on October 27, 2005, at 20:26:45
Your response stayed with me all day. I kept thinking, what am I going to say to rainbowbrite and the other people on psycho-babble if I don't go??? It actually helped me decide in the end. Thanks!
-T
Posted by Monkeyoga on October 30, 2005, at 1:04:55
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2005, at 21:47:33
> Cute guys are a dime a dozen. It's what's between their ears that really counts. Fondly, Phillipa
Ummmmm... eustachian tubes?
Posted by Monkeyoga on October 30, 2005, at 1:19:43
In reply to Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
> This past week I've been so depressed and unhappy, esp. at work. I finally realized its because I'm trying to let go of the fantasy of me and cute boy getting together. I guess that fantasy sustained me for quite a while. But its also kept me from actually living a real life. So I know right now is a painful, but necessary process.
I can relate. Most of the traumatic events in my life resulted from my stubborn attachment to how I wanted things to be. It's really hard to let go.
> I realize now that I've spent most of my life in a fantasy world, not really living at all. Its hard to let go of that comfort. I want a real life so bad, but its so hard, and so much easier to live in my perfect fantasy world. I think this may have started when I was a teenager and not in control of my own life and happiness.
Me too, maybe earlier.
> So how do you get through life without the fantasy to retreat to?
You don't get through life all at once. I'm afraid you'll have to take it one day at a time like the rest of us.
> I have serious doubts about whether I'll ever be able to live a normal life and have normal relationships with people. It just seems like I'm starting out too late in life.
You will (and you're not).
> I'm supposed to go bowling tomorrow after work with my co-workers (that includes cute boy). I'm thinking about not going. Now that my other friends who were a part of this group moved, its pretty much just me hanging out with him (the other guys aren't much in the way of conversation), and that feeds my fantasy. But its also one of the few times I get out and mingle with people. Plus it builds my friendship with him and gives us that much more of a connection. See there I go again! I'm hopeless.
On the contrary, you sound quite hopeful.
> I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
>
> -T
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 30, 2005, at 9:14:00
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed » rainbowbrite, posted by TexasChic on October 29, 2005, at 21:47:29
:-)
Im so happy you went! Im glad I was a buzz in your head.
Posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2005, at 16:41:51
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed, posted by Monkeyoga on October 30, 2005, at 1:04:55
No silly, mind and brain, feelings and the kind of person they are. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by TexasChic on November 2, 2005, at 16:59:49
In reply to Re: Fantasy vs. reality / depressed » TexasChic, posted by Monkeyoga on October 30, 2005, at 1:19:43
> > So how do you get through life without the fantasy to retreat to?
>
> You don't get through life all at once. I'm afraid you'll have to take it one day at a time like the rest of us.
>
> > I have serious doubts about whether I'll ever be able to live a normal life and have normal relationships with people. It just seems like I'm starting out too late in life.
>
> You will (and you're not).
>Thanks for the supportive words. I'm feeling much better now. I was in a funk before. Its weird how your state of mind can effect EVERTHING! I feel like my obsession with cute boy is waning a bit. I'm getting to the point where he'll have to come after me if he's actually interested. I've done enough.
We seem to be becoming better friends, for what its worth. Its funny, I can look back before I moved over to the desk across from him at work, and realize I know him so much better now. That may be why the obsession (fantasy) is waning.
He's still a cutiepie though.
-T
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