Posted by TexasChic on October 27, 2005, at 17:37:16
This past week I've been so depressed and unhappy, esp. at work. I finally realized its because I'm trying to let go of the fantasy of me and cute boy getting together. I guess that fantasy sustained me for quite a while. But its also kept me from actually living a real life. So I know right now is a painful, but necessary process.
I realize now that I've spent most of my life in a fantasy world, not really living at all. Its hard to let go of that comfort. I want a real life so bad, but its so hard, and so much easier to live in my perfect fantasy world. I think this may have started when I was a teenager and not in control of my own life and happiness.
So how do you get through life without the fantasy to retreat to?
I have serious doubts about whether I'll ever be able to live a normal life and have normal relationships with people. It just seems like I'm starting out too late in life.
I'm supposed to go bowling tomorrow after work with my co-workers (that includes cute boy). I'm thinking about not going. Now that my other friends who were a part of this group moved, its pretty much just me hanging out with him (the other guys aren't much in the way of conversation), and that feeds my fantasy. But its also one of the few times I get out and mingle with people. Plus it builds my friendship with him and gives us that much more of a connection. See there I go again! I'm hopeless.
I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
-T
poster:TexasChic
thread:572466
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051021/msgs/572466.html