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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by woolav on April 14, 2005, at 13:46:30
Im writting this because I have no one I can talk to about this. I got married recently and he has a son who is 4 1/2. He see's him for 2 weeks every other month. I have a teenage daughter from my first marriage who lives with us full time. The point is, I am at the stage w/ my daughter that I can go out, do what I want etc. because she is almost 16 now. But when my stepson comes, he obviously needs round the clock supervision and we (i) have to figure out the babysitting situation when we are all at work. (usually my husb asks my mom to help) which she doesnt mind, but she doesnt want to do it for 40 hrs a week..anyway. I almost feel resentment for the boy because I cant do the things I want to do when he is visiting. I know it sounds horrible and I feel like the wicked stepmother, but I dont know how to deal with these feelings. I cant tell my hubby, but I think he knows..I just dont like the responsibility of watching a child again, that is why I only have my 1 daughter (i never wanted more children)...any advice would be much appreciated.
S
Posted by pinkeye on April 14, 2005, at 14:51:59
In reply to Am I a horrible person?????, posted by woolav on April 14, 2005, at 13:46:30
You are not a horrible person. It is a pretty common thing to feel resentment when you are asked to do something which you didn't want to. And you didn't even want to have a second baby for yourself, so being in a situation to be a mom is little difficult for you.
But, that said, there is a better way to handle your situation. Think of the things that you get from your husband and try to look at the kid as the kid of your husband. And the kid is just 4 and half and he probably has nothing to do with the fact that his dad got divorced and got married again. Your husband's happiness will depend on the kid's happiness to a great extent. And your happiness will depend on your husband's happiness. So even if you look at it from a more self centered point of view, it will do you good in the long run to take care of this kid well, because your husband will really really come to love you if he sees you are taking care of this kid well. And no man comes without a baggage of some sort or another.. and neither do we. And it is a considerably small baggage to deal with (the kid only comes to spend 2 weeks every other month with you). What would you do, if your husband starts resenting your daughter for the lack of privacy and other things? Teenage daughter is not as much of a problem as a 4 and a half, but still there are other challenges and you don't want yrou husband to resent your daughter.
From a more altruistic point of view, human beings are meant to take care of each other in a sense.. If you get old, and for some reason your daughter or your hsuband is not avaialble, the next closest relative to you would be your stepson. Wouldn't it be great if you could develop a loving and pleasant and nice relationship with him? And we do in fact get some happiness in serving people without any expectation. It might look like preaching, but really human beings tend to get a great deal of spiritual satisfaction just from helping others, even by sacrificing their own interests to an extent. If you can develop a little more spiritual and service oriented attitute towards life, and develop more gratefullness and spirituality, it will immensely help. Little things which you have to sacrifice for the kid's sake, are probably not going to mean anything in the long run. But having another good close human relationship in your life, will give immense meaning to your life. If you can think of it that way.
Posted by PM80 on April 14, 2005, at 15:17:38
In reply to Am I a horrible person?????, posted by woolav on April 14, 2005, at 13:46:30
You are not a horrible person.
Talking to your husband and perhaps getting his help in setting up a babysitter may make you feel a little better about. It seems like you feel that have ALL the responsibility for this 4 year old when his dad ought to help you. Is your husband aware that this takes a toll on you? Two weeks every other month isn't that bad even if you do have to suck it up then. BUT, some of this feeling may actually be depression. It may sound odd, but I definitely HATE when I don't get all my expected free time when I am depressed, even if all I have planned is staring at the wall. It is an angry, frustrated feeling of losing comtrol or feeling that you do not have control - of your life, of your emotions, of a specific part of your life, of whatever. This may be a good thing to bring up in therapy eventually. You sound like you have a healthy relationship with your daughter and husband. Your resentment towards this boy is probably something else altogether (some sort of transference). DO you feel taken advantage of by your husband and underappreciated? General lack of support? I would guess there is more here that meets the eye and it has nothing to do with you being a bad person.
Posted by woolav on April 15, 2005, at 9:25:20
In reply to Re: Am I a horrible person?????, posted by PM80 on April 14, 2005, at 15:17:38
Well, I think you are right. I just need to find out what it is..I dont hate the boy, but I do feel like my husband throughs responsibility on me and I dont like it. Then when I get frustrated, my husb makes comments like "I know you dont like kids" and tries to make me feel guilty. I guess some of it is also, when he is with us, our house is a complete wreck. Toys and stuff everywhere. And that makes me nervous to see the complete disorganization...I know kids are like that, but again, I am used to a teen. (only her room stays messy, but I dont see it) lol.. Its just like a big stress thing for me. I dont like having the responsibility of watching him and i dont like not being able to do what I want. I guess I will bring this up eventually w/ my T..Another thing is that bc my husb doesnt see his son as much as he would like. He lets him get away with alot and doesnt disapline that much. And, he spends a fortune on toys for him. which we really dont have the money for. Now, when the boy comes, everyday he is like "did you buy me a toy daddy?" and he does!!! Im working on trying to remind myself that this is a child, and its not his fault. anyway...
thanks for reading.
S
Posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 17:10:46
In reply to Re: Am I a horrible person?????, posted by woolav on April 15, 2005, at 9:25:20
You are definitely not a horrible person. I sometimes feel resentment towards my own biological children because they require so much attention and I can't do things I want to do. It's definitely about depression in my case. And it doesn't help that we live in a world where men tend to expect women to have an innate capacity for childcare, and thus they expect us to take more responsiblity than is really fair.
I think it would be wise to bring it up with your therapist as soon as possible. I would bet my house that your therapist has heard this kind of thing before and won't think badly of you.
Tamar
Posted by woolav on April 15, 2005, at 17:30:41
In reply to Re: Am I a horrible person????? » woolav, posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 17:10:46
Thanks for everyones responses. My stepson is here not..came today. And guess what, my husband has to work late today..and he is working some this weekend. (i know he has to work) but this is why i get mad. He throw's the responsibility on me every time his son comes......
oh well..
S
Posted by Tamar on April 15, 2005, at 17:40:30
In reply to Re: Am I a horrible person?????, posted by woolav on April 15, 2005, at 17:30:41
Do you know anyone with kids a similar age who you can meet while your husband is working, to share the hassle? I find weekends quite hard, especially if my husband has to work, and it's always worse if the kids are in the house, trashing the place. But meeting a friend with kids seems to make it easier. Or indeed anything that gets them out of the house. It takes me a lot of effort to get out, but it's always worth it. Sometimes I just put them in the car and drive around for an hour. It usually puts them to sleep (yippee!). Would any of this work for you?
Posted by anastasia56 on April 16, 2005, at 13:25:12
In reply to Am I a horrible person?????, posted by woolav on April 14, 2005, at 13:46:30
i wouldn't think your thoughts would be unusual given the situation.
A friends of mines daughter has a one year old with her boyfriend. He also has a three year old by another woman. She (the one year olds mother) has to pretty much do all the child care of the three year old every other week.
It's pretty common for resentment to build if a discussion regarding a mutual solution isn't at least initiated.
ana
Posted by woolav on April 17, 2005, at 10:04:19
In reply to Re: Am I a horrible person?????, posted by anastasia56 on April 16, 2005, at 13:25:12
I understand your point, but I think that my husband will prob. say its just because i dont like kids..or something like that. What gets me is that when his son comes, the ex tells him when to get him or either when its a good time for her and he says ok, bc he just wants to see his son. But as soon as he comes, my husb is like "oh, i dont know what I am going to do, since I have to work"..come on, i know he has thought about it and just puts it off on me and my family. I work for my stepdad and so my husb thinks his son can just come to work with me everyday for 2 wks. Its like my job isnt important!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrr
S
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