![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on January 15, 2005, at 23:26:07
I just really don't want to live anymore.
It's all too hard.One disappointment after another, after another, after another.
Please, take me soon. Just take me away from all of this hell. It's all hell, all of it. I want to be rid of everything. Everything. Everything.
Posted by smokeymadison on January 15, 2005, at 23:48:06
In reply to It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 15, 2005, at 23:26:07
everything is too much to handle in one gulp. please try to take it a bit at a time! one hour to the next. the only way out is through. (I have been playing Alanis Morissette over and over tonight).
anyway, it will end when it is suppose to. but in the meantime i hope that you can find some peace. being here is hard, but here we are and it will get better. thank you for responding to me in my above post. i always amazes me the comfort that people can give each other even when they are down and out themselves. thank you. and i wish you a better day tommorrow.
SM
Posted by alexandra_k on January 16, 2005, at 1:04:21
In reply to It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 15, 2005, at 23:26:07
Oh Susan, I think there are many people here who understand that one. You have been there before too, right? It does get better at times. I know there is nothing harder to remember than that when one is low and all one can think of is the seemingly endless disappointments... But it does get better at times. And the times will get more frequent and longer lasting.
THEY JUST HAVE TO.
I say:
'We are not friends enough yet'.
Well, actually Stevie Smith says that and I kinda stole it :-)If we are here we are here for a reason.
Well, if we are here we have to create a reason.
You help so many others Susan.
When you can't do it for yourself then do it for them.
Do it for us.
Hang in there, it has to get better...
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 6:23:49
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon. » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 16, 2005, at 1:04:21
You both are so sweet, thanks for trying to help.
I'm really getting tired of everything.
I'm looking for a job again, my fourth this will be, in less than a year. Much less. I keep getting seasonal work, I'm training for something more serious and meanwhile I need to eat.
THis is horrible. My children aren't with me.
My ex-T started an investigation on me 'cuase I think he felt he had to from what I said about myself - I HOPE he felt he had to, I hate to think he did it because he's malicious and unthinking.
ANyway, it's all a bad life right now.
I can't seem to see it being any different.
I feel like making plans for my demise, now.
I know that's not good but maybe it's not bad either?
I'm prety sure I have the method down.
I need to tie up loose ends first.
I hope I don't get that far, really, becuase I don't want to damage my children with it, I mean, suicide isn't nice for kids.
I just hate life so much, after what happened today it feels like the last straw.
Everything looks so bad.
I don't WANT to reach out to friends, either. I don't want to burden anybody with myself, everybody has too much else to worry about.
I had the worst nightmare in years tonight, so much abuse in our world.
My children are asleep, they're with mje tonight, I love them so much and it feels so good to have them with me.
But I'm a disappointment to the living.
Posted by partlycloudy on January 16, 2005, at 7:17:39
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 6:23:49
Susan, I am sorry that you hurt so badly right now. I think that trying to look beyond the present moment is frightening for any of us; but when you are depressed, it seems insurmountable and pointless. At least it did for me.
But what you are contemplating is tragic not just for yourself and your children, but for every single person who knows you. You are important to so many people, you truly have no idea. Just think of all the souls here at babble who are concerned for you, who welcome you into this community, who enjoy their contact with you. It seems so trivial when you're depressed but your life touches many other lives.
I can promise you that a dark day and a darker night do get better.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 16, 2005, at 11:53:10
In reply to Re: It needs to continue » Susan47, posted by partlycloudy on January 16, 2005, at 7:17:39
I agree with PC. It will get better. Just take one moment at a time. I'm sorry things feel so hopeless right now. But I can guarantee that your children need you to be here. Even if you are not with them everyday, you are still their mommy. And they need their mommy.
I can tell you from my experience working with survivors of a parental suicide, kids need their mommy. Even the adult kids. I can't tell you how much pain they have inside about it. Please do not do that to your kids.
Please take care, and call someone for help if you need to. Making plans and feeling like you need to tie up loose ends are huge red flags. Please get some help for yourself. And try not to be alone. Call a friend, neighbor, hotline, etc.
And keep posting,
gg
Posted by smokeymadison on January 16, 2005, at 11:56:31
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 6:23:49
please go to the hospital if your plan seems te only way out. i don't know that you have been there before, but if it is a good one, it is the best place for you to be if it comes down to it. i have been there quite a few times and the hospital as really helped me get my perspective back. we all care very much about you here. if you can't live for yourself right now, live for your children. it would be horrible for them. i know that when you are very depressed, it seems that you are saving the ones you love grief if you kill yourself, but it is really the other way around. it really is, and things will get better. think of all the times in the future you would miss with them if you kill yourself. it isn't worth it. i hope you start to feel better soon.
SM
Posted by TofuEmmy on January 16, 2005, at 14:32:59
In reply to Re: It needs to continue, posted by gardenergirl on January 16, 2005, at 11:53:10
Posted by just plain jane on January 16, 2005, at 16:10:41
In reply to It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 15, 2005, at 23:26:07
Yep, I'm gonna pi$$ somebody off here, but probably not you, since you know what a roaring jackass (that is the word for a DONKEY) I get to be sometimes.
Making plans and tying up loose ends, eh?
"Why did Grandma do that to herself?"
Suicide sometimes plants seeds of thought, in relatives and friends, that blossom when they are down, and give them cause think, ridiculously, that they are probably stricken with the same fate, and/or help them wonder if the suicidal murderer (yes, Grandma was a murderer) might have had the right idea.
"If I kill myself, can I see Grandma?"
This guilt trip has been brought to you by Calgon, the folks that want to oblige and take you away, and who strongly suggest that using their product to enhance a nice warm lounging bath, during which, for every thing that you count bad in your life, you match or outdo with a good one. That should take you a while and when you get out you'll get yourself dressed or not, get comfy, and recount those good things.
I don't want you to stay alive for your kids, grandkids, lover, or anyone else.
I WANT YOU TO STAY ALIVE FOR YOU!!!!
Because every time I've been ready to drop the hammer on myself this same jackass speaks up in my head and says, "wait, I think you're worth giving another million chances, if only so I can contimue to be a jackass."
So, stay here for the jackass, too.
and me.
jane
Posted by just plain jane on January 16, 2005, at 16:24:17
In reply to It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 15, 2005, at 23:26:07
DID YOU POST THIS??? JUST DAYS AGO???
"AG, ARE YOU READING?
Posted by Susan47 on January 11, 2005, at 22:05:07In reply to GET YOUR *SS BACK HERE ADAGRACE! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 17:38:51
Because if you are, and you've decided to leave us for awhile because you need to do that, I understand it. Getting blocked was actually a good thing for me, as
(THIS IS THE REFERENCE:)
it helped me realize how little I've built my life upon, and how I need PB to keep me going; maybe one day in the future, I can replace PB with something more immediately touchable.
I hope you're finding what you need. I hate calling you AdaGrace because I know you by another name, and that other name is so beautiful.
I hope you do come back soon, but if you don't, somehow I'll make it okay. I do miss you so very much, though."So, what?
You BSing this woman we both know by another name, and who has leaned on you when she was down?AND: Since when is suicide
"something more immediately touchable"?Sometimes I can just be such a jackass.
just plain braying jane
Posted by AdaGrace on January 16, 2005, at 16:32:41
In reply to It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 15, 2005, at 23:26:07
Whenever I get the same feelings you do, I often wonder who I would be hurting, and how bad I would affect their lives. It usually keeps me in check. I think sometimes I am such a burdon that to not be here would be better than to be here, but I would hurt so many. I don't know what to say to you Susan, I just hope you are okay.
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:38:04
In reply to Re: It needs to continue, posted by gardenergirl on January 16, 2005, at 11:53:10
They do need their mommy. Even if she's f@@ed up? Maybe. My girl had a big smile on her face at bedtime, she says I smell pretty.
They're in there now, talking and giggling.
We had a good day, in spite of everything.
Thank you, I need your POV as therapist, and friend .. and everybody's, you help me and make me cry but I must need that, too.
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:42:45
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon., posted by smokeymadison on January 16, 2005, at 11:56:31
Maybe I will, I don't know. I feel like a fool needing help, though. I mean, I'm not stupid, so why do I feel this way??? ANd then, going to the hospital feels like a stupid thing to do. I guess if it's the only way I won't hurt myself, it might be smart though. But I want to WORK in the hospital soon, won't that hurt my chances? I mean, what goes on behind closed doors? But I guess it's either that or kill myself, but then what would life be anyway if I couldn't work where I want to. So then the smart thing to do is just not go to the hospital.
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:44:04
In reply to Thank you GG. (((Susan))) ***Triggering thread*** (nm), posted by TofuEmmy on January 16, 2005, at 14:32:59
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:50:23
In reply to Furthermore... » Susan47, posted by just plain jane on January 16, 2005, at 16:24:17
Yes, you can.
I'm going to read some Mark Twain before bed, call and listen to my ex-T tell me his name, and go to sleep. And maybe tomorrow, I can be there for someone else?
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:53:03
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon. » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on January 16, 2005, at 16:32:41
I don't know, either. But I know if we saw each other we'd probably be a comfort, and give hugs, and understand.
I hope you're doing okay. You just don't say, anymore. Maybe that's good. I think it must be. I hope I can get to a better place, too, and soon. I really really want to, so I think that's good. I just wish I weren't so all over the map. No, I take that back, actually it's better to be up and down than to be down ALL the time. But the volatility of it all is very, very wearing and wearying.
Posted by SLS on January 17, 2005, at 8:27:32
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon. » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:53:03
> I don't know, either. But I know if we saw each other we'd probably be a comfort, and give hugs, and understand.
> I hope you're doing okay. You just don't say, anymore. Maybe that's good. I think it must be. I hope I can get to a better place, too, and soon. I really really want to, so I think that's good. I just wish I weren't so all over the map. No, I take that back, actually it's better to be up and down than to be down ALL the time. But the volatility of it all is very, very wearing and wearying.Hi.
It sounds like you would benefit from journaling. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Remember to do this especially when you are feeling better and positive about things. To go back and read what you have written while at your lowest might remind you of how much it is worth continuing and point out how very much depression can skew one's emotions and intellect.
- Scott
Posted by just plain jane on January 17, 2005, at 10:43:25
In reply to Re: Furthermore... » just plain jane, posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 23:50:23
yes and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, too.
Even in your desperation here you help people.
Thank you for being a contributor.
Please continue.
lol (lots of love)
just plain staring at my half-full glass jane
Posted by Susan47 on January 17, 2005, at 18:23:06
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon., posted by SLS on January 17, 2005, at 8:27:32
Scott,
Thanks, I know you have a good point and it's a great way to feel better. But I can't do journalling. I was doing it last year but never had the guts to read anything I wrote later, unless I was at my psych's office. And anything I write has to be read by someone other than me, that's just the way it is for me. Thanks, though, maybe someone reading will go, "Oh, what a great idea I'm going to do that" that's why posting is so gratifying, you know you're going to be considered.
Thanks,
Posted by tootercat on January 18, 2005, at 17:30:38
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 17, 2005, at 18:23:06
Susan,
Sometimes I think those of us who didn't get the opportunity to have choices in our lives (living with alcoholic parent or just plain abusive parent or whatever) need to have power to have the ULTIMATE choice: to live or to die. There is alot of power in suicide and/or the thought of suicide. It can deliver US from all of OUR problems and pain and create a whole boatload of problems and pain for others. For myself the thought of wanting to end my life made ME want to fight for my life instead (ultimately).I'd be damned (hope I don't get bleeped) if "they" were going to win (again). Also I have pets (2 kitties and a birdy) and I could not leave them to the mercy of the unknown nor could I bear to leave the warmth and strength of their love. They have been a constant that has kept me here more than once. I wish you love, strength and hope to to whatever it is that you need to do....Tooter (Pam)
Posted by Susan47 on January 18, 2005, at 22:38:30
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon. » Susan47, posted by tootercat on January 18, 2005, at 17:30:38
Pam, you said everything beautifully, so beautifully.
I wish for the hope that I want to fight for my life.D'you understand that?
Posted by Tootercat on January 19, 2005, at 0:55:31
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon. » tootercat, posted by Susan47 on January 18, 2005, at 22:38:30
Sometimes just asking for the willingness and hope is all we can do. Keep it simple and don't fight what you're feeling...the "easiest way around something is THROUGH it" You may get burned or scratched or dinged up a little but you can heal. Avoidance creates more stress in the long run.....you are worth fighting for sweetie and I don't even know ya. But I can understand your pain. (Last year at this time I wanted to be anywhere but in my body. It felt like I was looking down on a shell that used to be me.) What it was was a time of change and transition. Here's another thing....let your friends/family (if they are "safe")help you. Whether just to listen or give you a hug. When you tell yourself that you don't want to be a burden don't listen. YOU may be helping THEM. People also need to feel NEEDED and it may be a way for them to give back what they have received from someone else (might have even been from you)
Hugs,
Pam
Posted by AdaGrace on January 19, 2005, at 7:11:27
In reply to Re: It needs to End, Soon., posted by Susan47 on January 17, 2005, at 18:23:06
I like what Pam said. We all sometimes need to feel needed. Is it okay if I tell you that I need you? Your friendship, your wit, your sarcasm, your innability to stop saying *ss, and your beautiful way of telling how you feel.
Posted by Susan47 on January 19, 2005, at 10:50:57
In reply to Yes I do understand ((((Susan))))), posted by Tootercat on January 19, 2005, at 0:55:31
Posted by Susan47 on January 19, 2005, at 10:51:35
In reply to Re: You are Needed » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on January 19, 2005, at 7:11:27
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.