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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
I have something to say here and it might take me a few paragraphs, so forgive me if you think it's too long.
I have to say first to Partly Cloudy, I am sorry for not being very responsive to your posts. You are a dear friend, and I just couldn't talk to you because I knew what you were going to say. And they would be right, I just didn't want to listen. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the help that is handed to me. It's a scary thing to ask for help. I am just finding out in my midlife that I have a mental illness. That is very, very difficult to deal with. It explains a lot, but I am having a hard time with it. It's as if I don't want the help. Maybe that is why I forget the medicine. Maybe I burned myself on purpose. I don't know. Maybe it's why I don't want to go to therapy. It scares me. It really scares me. PC, you were the first one who posted to me and you kept me going that day, and days after that. Even when I was blocked, you practically stood by your computer and e-mailed me back and forth to keep me online. I appreciate that. I really do. I am just having a very, very difficult time with this holiday, all the things I have lost this year, and it sort of came to a head the day of Christmas. It hasn't been any better since then. I just want you to know that I appreaciate you and I miss this place, but I just don't think I can take the help handed out to me if I don't want to listen to it. I have to want to get better, and right now, I don't want to. SAW is and has forever been on my mind lately. It really hit me hard. It scared me. It was the first time anyone on here really seemed really in danger and I couldn't do anything about it. I was so mad and frustrated. Then I began to think that oh well, maybe I should just do it too. I dwelled on it. I thought it over and over in my mind. I even wrote about it on Writing. When I re-read what I wrote on that very dark day, I am very scared and also ashamed. I can't believe I was that close, and could be again. I'm scared. And then I think back to the trigger to this entire melt down and I realize it was over a man. A stupid failed relationship, brought me to my knees and I still can't stand without wobbling. I feel as if I have lost my one and only chance at happyness and it is killing me. To find out that the reasons for the failure or the beginning of the relationship started years ago with self esteem issues dating back to 1st Grade is so very embarassing. I just don't know how to begin this in therapy. I don't know.
To everyone else, Jane, Dazed, Susan, Toph, Alexandra, Jai, Bowtie, Alesta, everyone I have posted with...(sorry if I forgot your name, I'm in a teary state right now and just trying to get through this)......I appreciate your support. I do, I just don't know if I can continue with this. I started to feel again, and something horrible happened to someone I became close to (SAW) and it scared me that I could lose someone again, and I don't know if I can handle that. I haven't grown up enough I guess. Finding out I could feel again and care again, made me vulnerable to pain again. And It hurts to feel. I am so tired of hurting. So tired of being sad, so very tired of being sick and tired. I miss happyness so much. I don't know how to find it.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2005, at 17:33:01
In reply to Appologies Updates, posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
Aw Adagrace, you certaintly don't need to apologise to me. You have been nothing short of wonderful to me. And here I was feeling bad for not having responded to your answer to my post about my parents on the relationships board and your post really helped me very much indeed.
WHAT HAPPENED TO SAW? Did I miss something?
Adagrace, you are a wonderful person. Please please please don't give up. I think you need a therapist to talk to honey. Someone who can help you work through your relationship hurt. You are hurting real bad. I know it is terrifying. I do.
I hope you feel better soon.
I hope we all do.
Posted by partlycloudy on January 1, 2005, at 17:43:07
In reply to Appologies Updates, posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
AdaGrace, you are preaching to the choir, I hope you know.
Advising *you* what to do is also a nudge to myself.
Like giving someone special a gift that you really want to keep for yourself.
I think that in reaching out, I found a friend whose story I've lived, at least in part, and someone who knows where I'm coming from. I even equate your burn to my falling out of a bar onto my face, when my front teeth snapped off at the gumline. Talk about attractive! That kind of kinship is so very hard to find, and I'm so grateful to this place for supplying an atmosphere where this kind of friendship can flourish.
Posted by vwoolf on January 2, 2005, at 5:49:43
In reply to Appologies Updates, posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
Just to let you know that Sabrina is doing ok. She has started her new meds and is feeling a bit better. She will be back at work on the 10th, when you will be able to contact her.
Take care.
Posted by Angel Girl on January 4, 2005, at 20:26:43
In reply to Appologies Updates, posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
AG
I don't think there is a person on these boards who doesn't understand your pain. We're all there with you and living the same thing. Please get a therapist to help you with your problems. And always remember that you are not alone.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{AdaGrace}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Another AG
Posted by saw on January 10, 2005, at 5:40:58
In reply to Appologies Updates, posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
Ada
You are indeed truly special. I am so sorry for hurting you and for scaring you. I know what I did was selfish and wrong and I can see that it has made you feel horrible, but I will leave it there because it happened and can't be undone. I did not set a very fine example though. DO NOT consider my own behaviour!
I am here though, and hope to offer some support to you now.
Sabrina
Posted by saw on January 10, 2005, at 5:44:21
In reply to Re: Appologies Updates, posted by vwoolf on January 2, 2005, at 5:49:43
vwoolf - thank you so much for keeping everyone updated on my behalf.
I hope you are ok!
S
Posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 17:38:51
In reply to Appologies Updates, posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
Posted by Susan47 on January 11, 2005, at 22:05:07
In reply to GET YOUR *SS BACK HERE ADAGRACE! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 17:38:51
Because if you are, and you've decided to leave us for awhile because you need to do that, I understand it. Getting blocked was actually a good thing for me, as it helped me realize how little I've built my life upon, and how I need PB to keep me going; maybe one day in the future, I can replace PB with something more immediately touchable.
I hope you're finding what you need. I hate calling you AdaGrace because I know you by another name, and that other name is so beautiful.
I hope you do come back soon, but if you don't, somehow I'll make it okay. I do miss you so very much, though.
Posted by AdaGrace on January 14, 2005, at 7:35:51
In reply to Re: Appologies Updates » AdaGrace, posted by saw on January 10, 2005, at 5:40:58
Sabrina,
Please don't appologize for things that were out of your control. My behavior was selfish to say the least....but please know you are not to blame, it is I who should have my hands spanked for thinking only of me. I was very very selfish. I am glad that you are back, and I look forward to your funny jokes. Please post as many as you can. Life is looking up here, and we will get through this together.
Posted by AdaGrace on January 14, 2005, at 7:36:23
In reply to GET YOUR *SS BACK HERE ADAGRACE! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 17:38:51
Posted by AdaGrace on January 14, 2005, at 7:38:19
In reply to AG, ARE YOU READING?, posted by Susan47 on January 11, 2005, at 22:05:07
No way I could do that Susan dear. I missed you and everyone.........I BACK!!!!!!!!
Posted by Susan47 on January 14, 2005, at 16:56:09
In reply to Re: Me Leave the only Support I have????? » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on January 14, 2005, at 7:38:19
Wow, it hit me last night the reason I relate to you so well, we were both in grief over some guy. Some ... guy!@!!!!
How stupid could we be?
Posted by AdaGrace on January 16, 2005, at 16:36:43
In reply to Wahoo » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on January 14, 2005, at 16:56:09
Yeah, I know, but my entire soul was shredded, as well your's probably was. And I just don't know how to get over that. It's very difficult. A day to day challenge I guess.
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 19:27:05
In reply to Re: Wahoo » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on January 16, 2005, at 16:36:43
Up, down. Up, down. Down, down down. Hell, then slightly up a bit, then maybe a bit more, then suddenly, wow, everything's going to be okay, then slowly it slides downwards again..... I just want to share my love and have it returned. I don't want to feel bad anymore.
Posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 19:27:54
In reply to Try moment to moment. More accurate. » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 19:27:05
Posted by AdaGrace on January 16, 2005, at 19:57:59
In reply to Try moment to moment. More accurate. » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 19:27:05
Once my love was given away completely, there was no giving it to anyone else. I do not have the desire to ever share it with anyone else.
Posted by Susan47 on January 18, 2005, at 22:33:51
In reply to Re: Try moment to moment. More accurate. » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on January 16, 2005, at 19:57:59
FEELING, what an incredible, beautiful, butt-kicking in my heart Beautiful way to say how it feels. You've done it again.
Posted by Gabbix2 on January 18, 2005, at 22:58:52
In reply to AdaGrace, That's badly, and bad. (nm), posted by Susan47 on January 16, 2005, at 19:27:54
You can't "feel badly" unless there is something wrong with your sense of touch.
Posted by Susan47 on January 19, 2005, at 10:48:10
In reply to Actually it is feel bad. » Susan47, posted by Gabbix2 on January 18, 2005, at 22:58:52
My grammar isn't the best and I appreciate that....
Posted by Gabbix2 on January 19, 2005, at 13:11:00
In reply to Cool, thanks for the correction Gabbix2, posted by Susan47 on January 19, 2005, at 10:48:10
Oh you're welcome, you showed an interest in the language by making the comment in the first place, otherwise I wouldn't have done it!
I always appreciate it too.
This is the end of the thread.
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