Posted by AdaGrace on January 1, 2005, at 17:10:31
I have something to say here and it might take me a few paragraphs, so forgive me if you think it's too long.
I have to say first to Partly Cloudy, I am sorry for not being very responsive to your posts. You are a dear friend, and I just couldn't talk to you because I knew what you were going to say. And they would be right, I just didn't want to listen. Sometimes I don't know how to handle the help that is handed to me. It's a scary thing to ask for help. I am just finding out in my midlife that I have a mental illness. That is very, very difficult to deal with. It explains a lot, but I am having a hard time with it. It's as if I don't want the help. Maybe that is why I forget the medicine. Maybe I burned myself on purpose. I don't know. Maybe it's why I don't want to go to therapy. It scares me. It really scares me. PC, you were the first one who posted to me and you kept me going that day, and days after that. Even when I was blocked, you practically stood by your computer and e-mailed me back and forth to keep me online. I appreciate that. I really do. I am just having a very, very difficult time with this holiday, all the things I have lost this year, and it sort of came to a head the day of Christmas. It hasn't been any better since then. I just want you to know that I appreaciate you and I miss this place, but I just don't think I can take the help handed out to me if I don't want to listen to it. I have to want to get better, and right now, I don't want to. SAW is and has forever been on my mind lately. It really hit me hard. It scared me. It was the first time anyone on here really seemed really in danger and I couldn't do anything about it. I was so mad and frustrated. Then I began to think that oh well, maybe I should just do it too. I dwelled on it. I thought it over and over in my mind. I even wrote about it on Writing. When I re-read what I wrote on that very dark day, I am very scared and also ashamed. I can't believe I was that close, and could be again. I'm scared. And then I think back to the trigger to this entire melt down and I realize it was over a man. A stupid failed relationship, brought me to my knees and I still can't stand without wobbling. I feel as if I have lost my one and only chance at happyness and it is killing me. To find out that the reasons for the failure or the beginning of the relationship started years ago with self esteem issues dating back to 1st Grade is so very embarassing. I just don't know how to begin this in therapy. I don't know.
To everyone else, Jane, Dazed, Susan, Toph, Alexandra, Jai, Bowtie, Alesta, everyone I have posted with...(sorry if I forgot your name, I'm in a teary state right now and just trying to get through this)......I appreciate your support. I do, I just don't know if I can continue with this. I started to feel again, and something horrible happened to someone I became close to (SAW) and it scared me that I could lose someone again, and I don't know if I can handle that. I haven't grown up enough I guess. Finding out I could feel again and care again, made me vulnerable to pain again. And It hurts to feel. I am so tired of hurting. So tired of being sad, so very tired of being sick and tired. I miss happyness so much. I don't know how to find it.
poster:AdaGrace
thread:436435
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041226/msgs/436435.html