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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
Does anybody dread the holidays for the same reasons i do? it is so hard to act "normal" i mean, i have to spend thanksgiving w/ the inlaws and i just relapsed back into agitation and depression and wanting to cut up my arms. i am esp dreading the hours of conversations right after supper when i am supposed to laugh on cue and act like i am so interested in the conversation. i can't even sit through a tv show right now and i don't know what the hell i am going to do. i will just take a lot of cigarette breaks i suppose. any thoughts?
Posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 1:24:12
In reply to thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
Don't go. My suggestion after years of doing what you're doing, have been doing probably, for years, right ...?
Posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 3:58:15
In reply to Re: thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 1:24:12
well, the thing is, that they are really future inlaws. i have been to visit them a total of around 4 or 5 times. my boyfriend wants them to think that i have recovered completely and am now sane. so the pressure is on me to prove that. they don't know that we are planning on getting married next Sept so we have a year to prove to them that i am sane. we plan on telling them at Christmas that we are getting married. to back out of thanksgiving plans would look really bad at this point. this sucks!!!
Posted by partlycloudy on November 22, 2004, at 4:26:33
In reply to Re: thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 3:58:15
my in-laws are coming too. very well meaning and lovely people but i often run screaming from the room in anxiety. i plan to take lots of walks and perhaps trips to the corner store for forgotten ingredients.
meditation, while the stereo, a football game, and loud conversation go one at the same time, is too much of a challenge for me. maybe earplugs will help...
Posted by AuntieMel on November 22, 2004, at 11:52:24
In reply to Re: thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 3:58:15
Is the boyfriend in on the subterfuge? Does *he* know you are having problems with the idea?
If he does, is there a way you can plead migrane or something and go lie down a bit after dinner?
Of course, if he does and wants to keep up pretenses, I would (this is me now, I'm not speaking for you), I would want to know why he feels the need to pretend.
Spoken by someone who's been in medical care for 2-3 years now and still hasn't told the inlaws :)
Posted by pegasus on November 22, 2004, at 14:56:04
In reply to thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
It sounds to me as though you and/or your boyfriend believe that it is more important to prove your sanity to his family than to protect and preserve your mental health in the short term. Which saddens me.
Also, it sounds as though you aren't sure you'll actually be able to "prove" your sanity at Thanksgiving. If you don't make it through the holiday with glowing sanity, then what happens to your marriage plans? Is it possible that you might be better off skipping Thanksgiving anyway? Can his parents actually prevent your marriage? Or is it a matter of approval vs. disapproval? Is their disapproval more important than how upsetting this holiday together might be to you?
Maybe you could get out of it by claiming a bout of the flu or something. They wouldn't really want you around then anyway, right?
I hope it goes well for you, however it turns out. It sounds really hard.
pegasus
Posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 18:14:44
In reply to thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
thanks everybody.
i am going to go, but i am going to work it out with my boyfriend so that we don't have to stay until Sunday. Wednesday to Sunday is just too long a period of time to be around his family. don't get me wrong, they are nice people, but they watch every move i make and are always trying to pick out any hint of instability in me. they are really like that b/c they are worried about their son. i should be able to feign a migrane since they know i get those from time to time. at least migranes aren't on the same level as a purely mental defect, at least according to them. they can't prevent our marriage, but if they don't contribute anything financially to it, it is going to be very hard to have any sort of wedding ceremony. we don't have any money, really, at least right now.
Posted by fi on November 23, 2004, at 12:01:01
In reply to Re: thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 18:14:44
Some good points in previous posts eg Pegasus.
You can get married v cheaply, if you dont have a big fussy wedding and reception? I've got friends who have had weddings they really enjoyed. They chose something small and informal as they wanted it, not as they wanted to save money. The couples wore something smart that they liked, and that they had already. 'Guests' were a few good friends (say half a dozen max). Then afterwards, all of them had a jolly couple of hours in the pub or having a meal (first drink on the couple, then everyone paying for themselves).So the cost was only for the license and basic procedure/service (dont know what that is in US, but cant be lots?), then for a few drinks, and a meal for 2. They had a wonderful time. No parents were there- that is optional as they may be angry/upset, but it sure makes for a relaxed time!
So if its being married that you want, rather than a fancy wedding, you dont need to 'be held to ransom' by the in-laws. And if you pretend now, then there will be pressure on you to continue after the wedding. Which is unrealistic and exhausting.
How does your boyfriend feel about all this? He's the one that matters. Presumably, he loves you as you are. You dont need your in-laws to pay for your wedding. Dont let yourself feel they have any power over you, now or in the future. They dont unless you give it to them?
I have said I have flu to explain why I havent gone to visit my (frail elderly) parents. They dont know I have had loads of bouts of depression.
Flu would be better in that you wouldnt have to go at all. Migraine while you are there is better than nothing, but means you get them fussing and there is the pressure of choosing when to do it and having to pretend.
And I know with Christmas here, 'normal' people are often exhausted after the meal too. The 'tradition' is often to watch some TV soon after (with many adults dozing off). It is perfectly sane to say after the meal that you have enjoyed it, and are now tired and are off for a snooze/to read a book/for a walk (with your boyfriend?) and will look forward to seeing them later. That might be easier than faking a migraine. And if having a break after lunch means you are totally insane, they have a big problem!!
I dont know about travel in the US at thanksgiving, but cant you do something like go the day before and go back home the day after? Wed-Sat even sounds a long time...
Take care and dont try too hard.
Fi
Posted by B2Chica on November 23, 2004, at 13:15:07
In reply to thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
Know that i'm Right there with ya!
my schedule:
thurs&fri =in-laws,
sat my side,
sun in-laws(again).try these...i'm sure gonna:
1. boy i'm tired...(sleep), if you can get to a room to relax bring book, music, sketch book if draw...
2. i need to walk off some of this (go outside, walk)
3. smoke 'em if you gottem.
4. fake a phone call (to sneak into extra room).
5. smile and nod.
6. i have issues with food so i know i'll get lots about my 'weight' and 'eat more'... so my (hopefully new T) suggested just saying, 'thanks its all so good, try a little of a lot and try to change topics...talk about them...most people like to talk about themselves. that'll keep them going for a while as you smile and nod.
;^)Pray for dark and sleep, sleep , sleep!
Best of Luck.
let us know how it goes.b2c.
Posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 22:08:54
In reply to Re: thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do? » smokeymadison, posted by B2Chica on November 23, 2004, at 13:15:07
It just sounds like you don't have the courage and confidence in yourself, from your depression, maybe? to say, This is Me, I'm Not Perfect, in fact far from it but I love me anyway and it's up to you whether you do or not, your decision.
It's easy to love anybody when you give them a chance. If they don't want to give you that chance, they're silly. The world is FULL of us imperfect people and these people need to let their son out of the glass box. Just imo and I've been wrong before, lots ...
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 23, 2004, at 23:58:47
In reply to thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
God only knows I sure do I hate the holidays and his family is O....K but I do not feel well and hate to act as I usually do..I also dislike the noise and fact we aren't close to them..they do not even know my birthday nor care. I am literaly PRAYING my doc will give me a note to show hubby to get out of this festive day :)
> Does anybody dread the holidays for the same reasons i do? it is so hard to act "normal" i mean, i have to spend thanksgiving w/ the inlaws and i just relapsed back into agitation and depression and wanting to cut up my arms. i am esp dreading the hours of conversations right after supper when i am supposed to laugh on cue and act like i am so interested in the conversation. i can't even sit through a tv show right now and i don't know what the hell i am going to do. i will just take a lot of cigarette breaks i suppose. any thoughts?
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 0:03:05
In reply to thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do?, posted by smokeymadison on November 22, 2004, at 0:47:43
they have one crappy bathroom and have a LOT of people over....I usually take a lot of valium. I cannot go for walks because of the wildlife and I do not smoke. Can you tell I dread it lol
Posted by smokeymadison on November 25, 2004, at 22:32:58
In reply to Re: thanksgiving w/ the inlaws: what to do? oh and » smokeymadison, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 0:03:05
I am doing suprising well. I am five hours from home and am just taking a lot of time outs. I go read, go freeze my ass off outside to smoke, go take a nap, those sorts of things.
thanks everybody!
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 25, 2004, at 23:44:44
In reply to i am surviving just fine actually, posted by smokeymadison on November 25, 2004, at 22:32:58
That is cool I am glad you can take those breaks I escaped because we didn't go :-)
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 29, 2004, at 0:16:11
In reply to i am surviving just fine actually, posted by smokeymadison on November 25, 2004, at 22:32:58
> I go read, go freeze my [*]ss off outside to smoke...
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Thanks,
Bob
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