![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 2:57:11
As i was sorting my meds into correct decreasing doses, I began fantasizing about how much would be a fatal dose. I often think about how many pills I would have to take to just close my eyes and go to sleep.
I have also thought once or twice about my husband's gun and blood on the wall.
I am not suicidal, yet I think about it a lot. I don't understand. I love my husband and son too much to die but I CANNOT help but think about the peace and quiet that death would bring. I don't have to be thin, or a better person, I don't have to drink if I'm dead. I am terrified of dying but fantasize about suicide. What is going with me?
I'm sorry. I feel miserable. Happy and miserable.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 7:02:09
In reply to What does this mean? (possible trigger), posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 2:57:11
I've amassed quite a collection of pills, too. I have only ever wanted the peace that death would bring, and haven't spent much time thinking about getting there. It seems reasonable to me to want to have an end to depression, or seemingly endless medication changes and the side effects that wreak havoc on our bodies.
I don't think it's a good thing, though, to fantasize about it.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 26, 2004, at 9:06:12
In reply to Re: What does this mean? (possible trigger) » saw, posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 7:02:09
When I was at my worst with my depression and anxiety, I used to fantasize about electrocution while blow drying my hair or random blood clots that would find their way to my brain. I would not say I was suicidal at all, but I did fantasize about dying to end the pain. But I never felt I would ever take my life. They were just fantasies. I feel they were harmless.
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 26, 2004, at 9:10:44
In reply to Re: What does this mean? (possible trigger) » saw, posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 7:02:09
from the age of 15 to 50 I not only fantasized but made a couple of runs at it. I too thought it would bring peace. There were three thoughts that got stuck in my head.....
1. what if there wasn't peace on the other side because of what I did to get there?
2. what if I have to come back and relive all of this again till I get it right?
3. What if I have been doing this in other life times and I came back to move through this?I sometimes wonder if I am my uncle reincarnated. He committed suicide three years before I was born.
since I have done so much work in EMDR and self worth, I no longer even think about suicide. I still have hard moments about life etc...but I don't go down that road anymore.I hope this helps.
I enjoy and care about you both.
I'm so sorry this happens to you.
my thoughts are with you today.
Jai
Posted by rubenstein on October 26, 2004, at 9:46:52
In reply to Re: What does this mean? (possible trigger), posted by Jai Narayan on October 26, 2004, at 9:10:44
I too kept alot of pills. I told my therapist about it and he had me being them to him. At the time I was kind of mad about the whole thing, but now it is kind of comforting not to have them within my reach at all times. I still think about things, but maybe not as much as before and I think that has helped alot
I'll be thinking of you, it is a hard road.
Posted by trucker on October 27, 2004, at 13:40:12
In reply to What does this mean? (possible trigger), posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 2:57:11
you need JESUS!!!
trucker
///////////////////////////////////////////////////> As i was sorting my meds into correct decreasing doses, I began fantasizing about how much would be a fatal dose. I often think about how many pills I would have to take to just close my eyes and go to sleep.
>
> I have also thought once or twice about my husband's gun and blood on the wall.
>
> I am not suicidal, yet I think about it a lot. I don't understand. I love my husband and son too much to die but I CANNOT help but think about the peace and quiet that death would bring. I don't have to be thin, or a better person, I don't have to drink if I'm dead. I am terrified of dying but fantasize about suicide. What is going with me?
>
> I'm sorry. I feel miserable. Happy and miserable.
>
> Sabrina
Posted by trucker on October 27, 2004, at 13:47:47
In reply to Re: What does this mean? (possible trigger), posted by Jai Narayan on October 26, 2004, at 9:10:44
i realize these are thoughts... they preceed actions.... here is another thought.... what if you take just enought to ruin yourself..say become a vegtable and imprisoned in your own body.. unable to speak or care for your self.. but fully aware of the surroundings. this would be worse than you are now... destroying yourself and your body isn't a healthy thought process.. have you spoken to a T about this?? be kind to yourself... and ask JESUS to help you.. find a GOOD church that can help also.
trucker
Posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 3:59:33
In reply to Re: What does this mean? (possible trigger), posted by trucker on October 27, 2004, at 13:47:47
Thank you for your kind words. Jesus and church are not viable options for me right now.
Sabrina
Posted by Fi on October 28, 2004, at 15:29:23
In reply to What does this mean? (possible trigger), posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 2:57:11
Hi Sabrina
I think its often part of depression to long for a bit of peace, and get rather preoccupied with thinking about death (whether or not killing yourself). Its a good idea to talk to someone about this (therapist, pdoc or whatever) as that can make the thoughts a bit less scarey.
And it may help to reduce them if the options you are thinking about wouldnt be easy in real life- only get small supplies of pills at one time; get your husband to put his gun somewhere you cant get at it?
So we love the idea of peace and quiet and the end of the exhausting fight thru the days. Its good to feel that we have a choice.
However, it wouldnt actually be like that. As mentioned, there is the risk you make a mess of it and end up feeling dreadful emotionally *and* having horrendous physical problems. And you wont have that wonderful feeling of peace-you wouldnt be feeling anything as you would be dead.
Sounds like you are feeling under a lot of pressure- are there ways you can reduce the pressure or change how you deal with them?
I think part of coping with these preoccupations is being aware that it is a very understandable thing to want and daydream about, but that this is completely different from what the reality would be. I've worked out 3 different ways I could die, with all the little details sorted out. Ironically, the one time I was desperate I didnt consider any of them- it would have been something easier, and unplanned.
You say you arent suicidal, which is good. If you feel tempted to act on your thoughts, seek help first instead. You can always change your mind later. You might feel easier if the equipment you feel most fascinated about werent easily available.
Anyway, I suppose I am more relaxed about these thoughts than you are. Part of the hassle of depression, but harmless as long as the thoughts dont upset you, and that they stay thoughts rather than actions.
Fi
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.