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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
Except to say that I tired of feeling tired. Of feeling nauseous, cranky, weepy, sore, angry, frightened, panicked, anxious. I'm tired of migraine headaches. I'm tired of congnitive problems, not knowing where I am on the drive home from work. I want to feel - nothing. I don't care if I feel good, I just don't want to feel this bad any more. I have a list of people as long as my arm whom I'm ticked off at, probably for no good reason at all. I'm tired of feeling embarassed about my anxious and panic attacks. I can live without drinking but at least it took me away from this awfulness, even if it made it much worse later. I'm tired of my mind thinking of things for my "to do" list that I'll never get to. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not getting to them.
I wish I didn't have to work but I think it is the only thing keeping me going sometimes. But - I'm tired of keeping up appearances, pasting that smile on my face when I want to curl up under my desk.
OK, that's enough for now. At least I'm back to using capital letters and punctuation.
pc
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 4, 2004, at 13:23:23
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
whats capital letters and puncuation?
jyl
Posted by jlynne on October 4, 2004, at 13:25:57
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
Posted by SandyWeb on October 4, 2004, at 13:40:05
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
Hey there, PC
Yup, me again!! *smile* And what's all this brau-ha-ha about messages not having a purpose? You needed to sprew, and we were here to catch it! Lol!!
I know what you mean about pasting on that fake smile. That's enough to make you want to go home, crawl under the covers, and growl at your cat, huh?? ((PC))
Wishing you the best, hun. You're a good girl.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 13:44:50
In reply to Re: A post with no purpose, posted by SandyWeb on October 4, 2004, at 13:40:05
I just wish that my tears weren't so very close to the surface. Someone just has to say something kind or post something compassionate and I'm off like I've cut a pile of onions.
Why does feeling have to hurt so much? Someone please tell me to shut up.
pc
Posted by ron1953 on October 4, 2004, at 13:53:58
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
Hi, PC!
I beg to differ. I think your post has a major purpose. If I had to choose one way to describe how I feel about my condition, without the details of symptoms, meds, side-effects, etc., it would be tired. I've been on this roller coaster for way too long and I want to get off. I'm tired of it, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I'd be willing to bet big bucks that we have a LOT of company. Maybe we'll see in the replies.
Ron
Posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 13:55:28
In reply to Re: A post with no purpose » partlycloudy, posted by justyourlaugh on October 4, 2004, at 13:23:23
I printed out my rant post from last week, and the person I showed it to said, hey - if you're not using capital letters you must be feeling bad!
MY*DAD*USED*TO*WRITE*LIKE*EVERYTHING*WAS*A*TELEGRAM.
I still cannot read my mom's writing. Someone sent her a dictionary once and now she uses inappropriate words spelled incorrectly. It's a real challenge.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 14:14:53
In reply to Re: A post with no purpose - Yes it has a purpose! » partlycloudy, posted by ron1953 on October 4, 2004, at 13:53:58
I am mostly afraid that I will never get better. My husband can tell (fairly objectively) that I am better than when he met me 4 years ago, but so many things have risen to the surface this past year - like scum rising to the top of a bucket of dirty water - that I had so tidily kept swirled around and submerged, it's overwhelming.
I wish I could break my habit of speaking in metaphors, but I can't seem to. Isn't that strange?
Posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 14:46:00
In reply to (((((pc))))) (nm), posted by jlynne on October 4, 2004, at 13:25:57
Posted by ron1953 on October 4, 2004, at 17:35:22
In reply to Yes it has a purpose! » ron1953, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 14:14:53
PC:
I don't know your age or how long you've been dealing with your condition but I'm 51 and have been dealing with it most of my life, especially for the past 15 tears, since I had my first major, debilitating depression. I've come to the conclusion and am trying to accept that my condition is chronic. I am not going to be cured. The best I can hope for is prolonged periods of remission, like I've had before with some meds. So far, the longest has been 3 years. Accepting that it's chronic is not the same as giving up. I still try new meds or combinations, I still try to develop new cognitive habits, I still read a great deal about depression for the above purposes. I've found that the acceptance of the chronic nature of my condition makes the rough spots a bit easier to take. I can now mitigate the fear and despair of not getting the impossible - a cure.
I think metaphor is a fine way to communicate. Tons of great literature with valueable life lessons are written in metaphor. Stories are often more powerful than straight talk.
Ron
Posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 18:53:18
In reply to Re: Yes it has a purpose! » partlycloudy, posted by ron1953 on October 4, 2004, at 17:35:22
I'm 42 and started having panic attacks about 10 years ago, then added in worsening depressive episodes and anxiety. It's been its worst for the past year, and I have been working hard - with a p-doc and therapist together, so I guess I was hoping I'd be all better by now.
Chronic is a more sensible way to look at the condition, and I still am learning the coping skills I need to get on with life. I think that is what I am finding so exhausting - keeping up appearances, putting in 40 hours a week, and trying to be productive and invent a social life where one doesn't exist. I would much rather crawl into bed for 48 hours every weekend.
Also, I have plenty of spare guilt if you ever need any. It's pretty generic.
Posted by antigua on October 4, 2004, at 19:48:27
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
partlycloudy,
I would be surprised if you weren't exhausted. You're working really hard at therapy, not drinking, panic attacks, etc., so you should be tired. Be nice to yourself, please.I love naps!
antigua
Posted by 64Bowtie on October 4, 2004, at 19:50:54
In reply to Re: A post with no purpose - Yes it has a purpose! » partlycloudy, posted by ron1953 on October 4, 2004, at 13:53:58
> I've been on this roller coaster for way too long and I want to get off. I'm tired of it, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
><<< Ron, pardon the insulence if that's what I sound like, but are you feeling your feelings, or someone elses'? Is someone, alive or dead, telling you that you are or aren't supposed to feel whatever you are feeling? Are they telling you you're supposed to be something you don't think you are yet?
<<< If so, fire the f*&kers! Make 'em not welcome in your mind and in your life. If not, look past your feelings and notice what you see. It's your life. Don't let anyone else live it for you.
<<< I did all of this. I got where I am today. I am not lonely. I am not bored. I am happy and I am free. I had to do what I just suggested, over and over, for years and years. I hope you are smarter and luckier than I was.
Rod
Posted by ron1953 on October 4, 2004, at 20:08:57
In reply to ...way toooo long » ron1953, posted by 64Bowtie on October 4, 2004, at 19:50:54
Rod:
Your thoughts are well received. I think you may have missed another of my posts in this thread where I expound some more about how I feel about my condition and what I'm doing about it.
Thanks,
Ron
Posted by crazymaisie on October 4, 2004, at 22:54:56
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
partlycloudy,
i was so sad when i read you're post. i think i have told you before how much admiration i have for your strength in dealing with your difficulties. i can never take it for granted that i won't be where you are now, and i hope that if it ever happens that i will be able to face it with the same courage, strength, determination and honesty that you have. you're my hero, pc, don't let me down now!
one more thing, capital letters aren't for everyone, you know. i only use them if i have Something Very Important to say. for instance: i Hope you Can Hold On To Your Strength and that Something Good will happen to you tomorrow, Even Something Small. Something Which Makes You Smile, and that you can hold onto that to get you through the day.
take care and be strong
maisie
Posted by Emme on October 4, 2004, at 23:07:40
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
I can feel your weariness and I can sympathize with an awful lot of it. It's all an endurance test, isn't it? You may be weary, but you're also so resilient. Give yourself a lot of credit for keeping at it with work and for giving everyone here so much kindness.
I hope you feel better. And I'm glad to see your punctuation is back. (((PC)))Oh, and this post has a perfectly legitimate purpose.
> Except to say that I tired of feeling tired. Of feeling nauseous, cranky, weepy, sore, angry, frightened, panicked, anxious. I'm tired of migraine headaches. I'm tired of congnitive problems, not knowing where I am on the drive home from work. I want to feel - nothing. I don't care if I feel good, I just don't want to feel this bad any more. I have a list of people as long as my arm whom I'm ticked off at, probably for no good reason at all. I'm tired of feeling embarassed about my anxious and panic attacks. I can live without drinking but at least it took me away from this awfulness, even if it made it much worse later. I'm tired of my mind thinking of things for my "to do" list that I'll never get to. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not getting to them.
>
> I wish I didn't have to work but I think it is the only thing keeping me going sometimes. But - I'm tired of keeping up appearances, pasting that smile on my face when I want to curl up under my desk.
>
>
OK, that's enough for now. At least I'm back to using capital letters and punctuation.
> pc
Posted by saw on October 5, 2004, at 0:49:10
In reply to A post with no purpose, posted by partlycloudy on October 4, 2004, at 12:02:10
Hey my friend
The time distance between us really gets to me. I had gone home already when you posted this and feel bad that I couldn't be there for you. But that's just me. I am happy to see how many others were there for you.
And the weariness and tiredness you are feeling is so real, and so familiar. Sometimes I think the tiredness of always being tired, or as I like to say "sick and tired of always being sick and tired" is one of the worst aspects of depression. It's 7.45 a.m. now and I am wishing I could get back into bed and just stay there. It's so much easier than facing the world, people, problems and whatever else needs dealing with. I wake up looking forward to bed time. Except that I don't sleep much anyway. And here I am rambling about me and I am supposed to be supporting you. Sorry, I'm yawning too much.
Lots of love
Sabrina
Posted by just plain jane on October 5, 2004, at 17:43:43
In reply to Re: A post with no purpose » partlycloudy, posted by saw on October 5, 2004, at 0:49:10
ms. partly cloudy,
I do believe that we concurred partly cloudy is mostly sunny the other day.
And she will be again.
It saddens me that you are so tired, have felt so tired and hopeless... so I understand.
If I could reach you, I'd give you a hug so tight as to squeeze all the cloudy out.
Then you could be
Completely Sunny
(although squished)((pc))
jjpjj
just plain plain
Posted by partlycloudy on October 5, 2004, at 17:54:41
In reply to no purpose, hah!!!, posted by just plain jane on October 5, 2004, at 17:43:43
Have you ever seen the sun on the Teletubbies program? That's how your post made me feel. Beaming.
(((jpj)))
better today even though it's raining IRL
pc
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