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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 15:58:13
What do you guys think I should do? I work at an agency as a researcher on mental health issues. My boss is a clinical psychologist who seems like he would understand. He partners with a lot of people in the mental health field, some of whom know that I'm a "consumer". Should I tell him I have bipolar disorder?
If anyone has any stories about telling their boss I would definitely be interested in hearing them. Thanks!
Allison
Posted by Susan47 on September 3, 2004, at 17:13:56
In reply to Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 15:58:13
My two cents (of course) - I wouldn't bother to tell him unless you want something *from* him for that information. I mean, would there be any *reason* he has to know that, or are you looking for understanding with some issue?
Posted by AuntieMel on September 3, 2004, at 17:23:50
In reply to Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 15:58:13
I'll add a couple of pennies, too.
I think it would depend on what kind of relationship you have with him. Is it a good one with a degree of trust and do you think he would feel hurt if he found out through other channels? Or is he professional and standoffish and you don't feel comfortable. How would you feel if he had a health problem and didn't tell you?
Another way to look at it would be to think about how you would feel about it if he found out about it some other way. If it wouldn't bother you, then maybe it's better if it comes from you.
It's a judgement call.
Let us know what you decide.
Mel
Posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 20:47:43
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by Susan47 on September 3, 2004, at 17:13:56
You know Susan, you bring up a good point. I have this old habit of trying to get close to (and ultimately get crushes on) authority figures in my life (previous bosses, professors, my therapist, etc.) and I question whether I am looking to tell him as a way of sharing something personal so we will be close. But I don't think that's really the whole story. I spent a lot of today with those people that he partners with and all of those people now know I have bipolar disorder. I just think it's weird to not tell him when all these other people know. But then again, there was a reason to tell all these other people, and there isn't really an imminent reason to tell my boss.
Thanks for your two cents!
Posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 20:55:18
In reply to Re: Telling your boss » allisonf, posted by AuntieMel on September 3, 2004, at 17:23:50
I never thought of it from his perspective like what if he had a health problem? I wouldn't expect him to tell me about it. We do have a pretty good relationship, but I've only been working for him since the beginning of this year, so I haven't known him all that long. And I can't tell if he would feel hurt if he found out thru other channels--I don't think he would be hurt, just maybe think it was weird that all these other people he works with would know and he wouldn't. I don't know! Maybe I am making a *way* bigger deal out of this than I need to be!
I appreciate your thoughts tho, thanks!I actually have therapy on Tues and am seeing my boss on Wed, so I have a session to hash this out too.
Posted by AuntieMel on September 4, 2004, at 0:08:57
In reply to Re: Telling your boss » AuntieMel, posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 20:55:18
Well, on the other hand, if he finds out through 'other channels' it would be because someone that knows you in a professional manner has breached that relationship.
And being a shrink himself he would probably be much more upset about that than about your illness.
Posted by sb417 on September 4, 2004, at 0:52:10
In reply to Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 15:58:13
Hello Alison. No, you shouldn't tell your boss. What reason would you have to tell him, and why would he need to know? Are you wishing to be in a patient-doctor relationship with him? Is your relationship with your therapist lacking in some way so that you feel you need to get from work what you're not getting from therapy? I think you should keep a clear separation between your work life and your own, private medical problems. Your supervisor at work is not there to take care of you. I think it would be a good idea to talk with your therapist about this. If you feel that you're not getting your needs met in therapy, then you should look for another therapist, but that therapist should NOT be your supervisor. And I'm sure you know that you should NEVER turn to patients for friendship/fraternizing either.
Posted by KaraS on September 4, 2004, at 1:31:45
In reply to Re: Telling your boss » allisonf, posted by sb417 on September 4, 2004, at 0:52:10
I'm not sure I understand why the people your boss partners with know about it. Did you tell them as a patient of theirs or did you just confide in them in a personal conversation?
I completely agree with sb417. You should not tell your boss. You're working in a business and despite the fact that the business is about mental health, it's still a business. Your supervisor is someone you work for; he may be kind and you may feel close to him at times, but he is not (necessarily) your friend. As this is a business, your information could easily end up in your personal file and might possibly be used against you someday. You just never know what could come up. You need to protect yourself above all else. The possible payoff in telling him is not worth the substantial risk.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 4, 2004, at 9:32:49
In reply to Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 3, 2004, at 15:58:13
I see no reason to tell him unless you think it is interfering with your work.
Posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 11:04:36
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 4, 2004, at 9:32:49
Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It's really helpful to hear this point of view since I had been so convinced I should tell him after Friday's meeting. The reason I told the other people I met with on Friday (the people my boss partners with)is that they are a consumer run advocacy group and I may be interested in working for them someday. They pretty much only employ people who are consumers. So when I got there, the woman I met with asked me outright if I was a consumer. I didn't feel the need to lie. In fact, once I told her, she was *so* excited (not a common reaction when telling someone about your mental illness) she wanted to introduce me to everyone in the organization. As she went around and did that, she of course told everyone I was a consumer. I told her that I hadn't told my boss yet...she kind of looked at me like why would I fear so much stigma with him--they have all worked so closely with him for years. For all I know, my boss has a mental illness.
Am I looking for something with my boss that I'm not getting in therapy? That's a good question. I do have this past history of trying to get close to authority figures...but in this case, I have been so much more realistic about our relationship seeing it much more as a business one. I have talked a lot about this issue in therapy and had concluded before last Friday that I wasn't going to tell my boss about it. Then after that meeting, circumstances changed. More than anything it just feels weird to me that all these other people know this about me and he works with them and he doesn't know. Also, I am thinking of starting a self-help group in the near future and he is an authority on self help groups. My name might be on flyers in places he might see. It just seems bizarre that I wouldn't tell him. But I do appreciate what you all are saying--that there might be underlying reasons that are making me conclude it's necessary to when it's really not.
Posted by octopusprime on September 4, 2004, at 11:12:40
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 11:04:36
allison:
i too wonder if i should tell my boss. but this would be for pragmatic reasons:
* i have noticeable behaviour alterations when i am medicated vs. unmedicated, also mood swings
* the medications make me very tired sometimes, altering my productivity
* the inconvenient to schedule medical appointments (which until now i just say are "doctors appointments")we are a small workplace so the behaviour, mood swings, and fatigue are noticeable. i would prefer to explain my behaviour in the context of a medical problem i am treating, instead of having it bite me in the butt as a personality flaw during a performance review.
the other posters were very eloquent about not telling the boss to find support/friendship/kindred spirits. but when does pragmatism dictate that you tell?
Posted by KaraS on September 4, 2004, at 13:59:33
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 11:04:36
> Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It's really helpful to hear this point of view since I had been so convinced I should tell him after Friday's meeting. The reason I told the other people I met with on Friday (the people my boss partners with)is that they are a consumer run advocacy group and I may be interested in working for them someday. They pretty much only employ people who are consumers. So when I got there, the woman I met with asked me outright if I was a consumer. I didn't feel the need to lie. In fact, once I told her, she was *so* excited (not a common reaction when telling someone about your mental illness) she wanted to introduce me to everyone in the organization. As she went around and did that, she of course told everyone I was a consumer. I told her that I hadn't told my boss yet...she kind of looked at me like why would I fear so much stigma with him--they have all worked so closely with him for years. For all I know, my boss has a mental illness.
>
> Am I looking for something with my boss that I'm not getting in therapy? That's a good question. I do have this past history of trying to get close to authority figures...but in this case, I have been so much more realistic about our relationship seeing it much more as a business one. I have talked a lot about this issue in therapy and had concluded before last Friday that I wasn't going to tell my boss about it. Then after that meeting, circumstances changed. More than anything it just feels weird to me that all these other people know this about me and he works with them and he doesn't know. Also, I am thinking of starting a self-help group in the near future and he is an authority on self help groups. My name might be on flyers in places he might see. It just seems bizarre that I wouldn't tell him. But I do appreciate what you all are saying--that there might be underlying reasons that are making me conclude it's necessary to when it's really not.
I understand your dilemma more now having heard the rest of the background. It's a tough call...
Posted by Susan47 on September 4, 2004, at 19:29:50
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 11:04:36
It sounds unprofessional for the woman you spoke with to have told everyone you were a consumer. If they pretty much employ only consumers, that would've been something that was taken for granted. I think she made a big deal out of it and tried to make you feel like you had to come out of the closet to your boss. To me it sounds like she tried to emotionally strong-arm you. It doesn't sound right.
Posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 20:07:26
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by Susan47 on September 4, 2004, at 19:29:50
Susan, I can see how you would think that. In fact, I meant to explain that I wasn't actually on a job interview with that woman (where it would've been illegal for her to ask me if I was a consumer) but just an informational interview. It did kind of take me aback when she first asked, but then I was met with such a warm reception by everyone and knowing that everyone there had been thru what I had been thru...it was a really freeing experience. Like finally, I might be able to work someplace where I don't have to worry about who might find out. I don't know, I admit this woman was a little overly enthusiastic, but I wasn't offended by it. I think she doesn't even see the issue in my telling my boss either, and she knows him pretty well. I'm still not sure what to do. I don't see my boss again until Wed...and I have therapy Tues.
Thanks for your thoughts.
A
Posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 20:09:32
In reply to Re: Telling your boss » allisonf, posted by KaraS on September 4, 2004, at 13:59:33
Thanks...I do think you're right in some ways about what you said originally about this ending up in my personnel file or something. That's not something I want to happen. I am considering it carefully. And there isn't really a rush in telling him either I suppose.
Posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 20:11:44
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by octopusprime on September 4, 2004, at 11:12:40
That's a tough call too. When you know that it's the meds that are affecting your work, you want to make sure they take that into consideration when they do your review. Can you tell them that medication is affecting you but not tell them what the medication is for? I know tho, sometimes it's nice to just come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Let me know what you decide to do.
Posted by KaraS on September 4, 2004, at 21:39:41
In reply to Re: Telling your boss » KaraS, posted by allisonf on September 4, 2004, at 20:09:32
> Thanks...I do think you're right in some ways about what you said originally about this ending up in my personnel file or something. That's not something I want to happen. I am considering it carefully. And there isn't really a rush in telling him either I suppose.
That's true and once told, it can never be taken back. Also, thanks for understanding that I meant "personnel file" rather than "personal file". (DOH) Please keep us posted as to what you ultimately decide to do.
-K
Posted by allisonf on September 8, 2004, at 15:51:53
In reply to Re: Telling your boss, posted by KaraS on September 4, 2004, at 21:39:41
Just wanted to let everyone who kindly responded to my thread last week about telling your boss...that I told him today. He was wonderful!! He was 100% supportive. He assured me that he would keep it as confidential as I wanted and that it wouldn't affect him in any way in his dealings with me. I only gave him the briefest details about my illness but that seemed to satisfy him. I promised to stay on my meds, and he said that that was my business. Also, he was most excited about my idea of starting a self-help group and even offered to try to make it part of my job. It was really cool!
Thanks to all of you who wrote to me last week. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 8, 2004, at 16:00:45
In reply to I told my boss!!, posted by allisonf on September 8, 2004, at 15:51:53
I'm glad it went well.
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2004, at 20:28:51
In reply to I told my boss!!, posted by allisonf on September 8, 2004, at 15:51:53
Sounds like it worked out better than you could have anticipated. :)
Posted by KaraS on September 8, 2004, at 23:32:03
In reply to I told my boss!!, posted by allisonf on September 8, 2004, at 15:51:53
> Just wanted to let everyone who kindly responded to my thread last week about telling your boss...that I told him today. He was wonderful!! He was 100% supportive. He assured me that he would keep it as confidential as I wanted and that it wouldn't affect him in any way in his dealings with me. I only gave him the briefest details about my illness but that seemed to satisfy him. I promised to stay on my meds, and he said that that was my business. Also, he was most excited about my idea of starting a self-help group and even offered to try to make it part of my job. It was really cool!
>
> Thanks to all of you who wrote to me last week. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.
Glad it worked out so well for you! We should all have such wonderful bosses!-K
Posted by allisonf on September 9, 2004, at 9:21:15
In reply to Re: I told my boss!! » allisonf, posted by KaraS on September 8, 2004, at 23:32:03
Thanks for your support guys! Also, I got an e-mail from my boss yesterday that was so nice and supportive. He said he was glad he got to know me better and then was very complimentary. I feel lucky to have him as a boss and lucky to be working in an environment that is so open to mental illness.
Thanks again everyone.
Posted by Susan47 on September 9, 2004, at 11:46:00
In reply to Re: I told my boss!!, posted by allisonf on September 9, 2004, at 9:21:15
That's wonderful. I'm happy for you! We should all have such understanding bosses.
Posted by Angel Girl on September 12, 2004, at 8:22:33
In reply to Re: I told my boss!!, posted by allisonf on September 9, 2004, at 9:21:15
> Thanks for your support guys! Also, I got an e-mail from my boss yesterday that was so nice and supportive. He said he was glad he got to know me better and then was very complimentary. I feel lucky to have him as a boss and lucky to be working in an environment that is so open to mental illness.
>
> Thanks again everyone.I'm so glad that everything worked out for you. Your boss seems to be very understanding and caring. You're very lucky.
angel girl
Posted by allisonf on September 12, 2004, at 19:24:33
In reply to Re: I told my boss!! » allisonf, posted by Angel Girl on September 12, 2004, at 8:22:33
Thanks, I do feel pretty lucky. I know that I probably wouldn't have been able to be so open about my mental illness if I wasn't working in this special kind of environment. Telling my boss (and I just told my co-worker/supervisor on Friday! She was also understanding and wonderful) has really given me courage to be more open about it. I think I am going to tell one of my friends I have been hiding this from sometime this week. I'm sure I will run into stigma somewhere, but right now I feel willing to take the chance. It feels good to just be myself. Thanks for the support everyone.
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